by Richard Timothy | Aug 30, 2011 | My Cutie Baby Sweetie Pie, Non-Fiction, Observationally Speaking
It’s a fact, men and women watch television differently … at least it’s a fact at my home. This Smirk is a collection of observations about the differences I’ve noticed when watching television with my sweetie-baby-cutie-pie-wifey-pooh. Clearly this is going to be mostly one sided, but I do think there are cases that most can relate to.
When it comes to watching television with your significant other there are a number of classifications for shows. The first one is the “yay us!” joint appreciation show. These are shows that both of you watch together and thoroughly enjoy. For us this includes/included shows like: Arrested Development, Castle, and Pushing Daisies.
Then there are the “thanks for introducing this to me” shows. These are shows that one party discovers and shares with the other party and soon it becomes as weekly delight that both parties enjoy together. For us this includes/included shows like: Modern Family, 30 Rock, Numb3rs, Battlestar Galactica, and Monk.
Then there are the “putting-up-with-it-because-it-makes-you-happy-and-I-get-a-kick-out-of-hearing-you-laugh” shows. This field usually caters to me since Angela always has lots to do and she can work on her PC next to me on the couch, while I watch the show and giggle. This includes/included shows like: The Big Bang Theory, Better Off Ted, and Psych.
Of course there are the “hell no!” shows that one person loves profusely and the other will have absolutely nothing to do with, refusing to even be in the same room with their significant other when they are watching them. My shows that Angela will not watch with me include: MST3K, The IT Crowd, and Doctor Who. Angela’s shows that I will not watch with her include: The already mentioned Gray’s Anatomy, American Idol (or any similar reality type show), or anything with a wedding theme.
Now even though your list of show you watch and enjoy together is most likely differs from ours, I do believe the classifications hold true for any couple. However when it comes to noting the key differences in how men and women watch television there is a distinct difference between men and women, meaning that the differences in how men and women watch television are so clearly prevalent.
Attention to the Real in the Make-Believe
So last week Angela and I were catching up on an old series that we’ve just started watching, courtesy of Netflix, and in the span of one episode to the next, one of the main characters is suddenly being filmed differently. She spends more time in the office, and whenever she is in a scene she is behind her desk or is carrying something in front of her like her coat or a clipboard filled with paper. My first thought, which I am classifying as the typical make response to watching television, was that they just didn’t give her an active part in that week’s episode. Angela on the other hand, which I am classifying as the typical female response to watching television, became increasingly interested in the scenes this actress was in and by the end of the episode she proclaimed, with a high level of certainty, that the actress was pregnant in real life and show was trying to cover it up.
My reaction, “Oh … ok. Yeah, you’re probably right.” and I didn’t give it another thought with each subsequent episode. Angela, however, continued to watch each following episode with hawk-like intensity, and took great pleasure whenever there was a slip up in the angle which allowed the viewer to see her always covered stomach even for a second. She even had me rewind a scene and pause it at one of these spots so that she could gloat that they could fool her, and that the actress was clearly pregnant.
To be fair, men do this too, but the focus is a bit different, specifically … gun shots. Men are commonly obsessive about counting gunshots, and get incredibly testy the second a revolver fires its seventh shot without showing the person with the gun reloading it first. Nothing puts a man off a full blown gun fight than the blatant disregard for realistic attention to shots fired per shots available ratio.
Salon Day
When an actor/actress visits their hairdresser, it gets noticed, usually by the females first and then eventually (maybe), two episodes later, the man may notice that there is something a little different about characters appearance. The only time the appearance change is noticed the same time it is aired for the first time is when it is pointed out to them by their significant other, which is a result of one of the following statements 1) “Oh I like her new hair,” or 2) “Eww that is a horrible haircut.”
Lack of Character Appreciation
When a guy does not like a character on a show he is watching, he’ll express this sentiment the first time the person shows up in the episode and leaves it at that. If it is a reoccurring character it will be said every episode that that character appears in. When a woman does not like a character, a key flaw about that character’s appearance is noted and then it is pointed out repeatedly throughout the entire episode. For example if a character is deemed annoying for, say, having an overly nasally voice, you can bet that each time that person says a line that line will be repeated out loud by the annoyed female watcher, who will most likely make sure she plugs her nose so that she can echo the character in as nasally a voice as possible.
Sports
Since neither Angela nor I have an appreciation for watching sports I’m really not a reliable resource pointing out the differences in how they respond to watching them. As far as I’ve been able to make out it’s a win/win reason for guys to drink copious amounts of alcohol. This means that they get to drink while watching the game, and if their team wins they get to drink more after the game in celebration of the win. However, if their team loses they still get to drink more after the game to help them deal with their team losing. See, either way they get to keep drinking.
The one thing I can tell you about women watching sports is a result of watching soccer with Angela in Italy. It was on late at night while trying to get use to the new time zone, and I am basing this knowledge based on her viewing habits of these games. The woman will pick who they want to win by who has the better looking outfit (team jersey color), or if the team is named after an animal they have an affinity for.
So there you have it, some of the key differences to how men and women watch television. If you have any personal observations you’d care to share, I’d love to hear them.
Image Sources:
Google Images, keywords: couple watching tv, diane farr on numb3rs, woman plugged nose, and couple watching sports.
© Richard Timothy 2011
by Richard Timothy | Aug 26, 2011 | Holiday Banter, I Think There's a Point, Non-Fiction, Observationally Speaking
I had almost finished this week’s Smirk about some of the differences I’ve noticed between men and women when watching television. I only had a few thoughts and one tangent left to finish up and this week’s Smirk would have been all done are ready for you to enjoy. But no! Instead I had to go to Costco on my way to work today for the sake of picking up a treat for everyone at work in celebration of those who have had a birthday this month, and it was there that today’s Smirk caught my eye.
Since I have not experienced a Costco in any other place but Utah, let me just start out by stating the obvious, Costco in Utah is scary. Don’t get me wrong, it’s delightful as well, but it’s still scary. It is the only store I’ve seen where the parking lot begins to fill up before it opens and people have their carts at the ready, waiting for the doors to open on any given morning. How do I know this? Because I have been one of those people.
Don’t worry I don’t have a Costco-obsessive personality. It’s just that occasionally I’ll go there to get treats for the birthday treat day for work. Instead of going right to work I go directly to Costco and wait for them to open so that I can get the goodies. Then once I get to work, I pass out the treats, getting everyone all jacked up on sugar and remind them to be professional when they are on the phone with the customer. It reminds me when parents who give their kids a basket of chocolate on Easter and let them consume as much of it as they can before going to church and then demand that they child behave.
Everything was going fine when I walked into the store. I kept to the outside perimeter and made my way back to the baked goods. After I loaded up my cart with five dozen mega-sized-you-could-make-an-entire-meal-out-of-one-of-just-one-of-these muffins, I made my way through the innards of the store toward the checkout lines. It was during this journey back that my appreciation for Costco plummeted to an all-time low. There, filling up one of the middle isles, was a collection of decorations … for Christmas! They were already starting to capitalize on Christmas during the second to last week of August! AUGUST! Seriously, what the hell Costco?
I understand getting the store all ready for the holidays at the beginning of November. I’ll even let it slide when people dress up in ugly Christmas sweaters (as if there was another kind), put on a Santa costume or a Christmas tree outfit and got trick-or-treating for Halloween. But when you start selling Christmas decorations a isle away from the “Back to School” supplies the same week that kids go back to school … you’ve got a problem.
I suppose I could always make up a false conspiracy theory about this situation … ahem … According to my sources the Catholic Church has recently become the majority shareholder for Costco. The motivation for this is because the Church has always been a little annoyed that their attempts to cover up Halloween with some made up religious equivalent thus getting credit for the holiday instead of the Pagans failed repeatedly. By becoming the majority shareholder in a variety of department stores they can begin exploiting Christmas four months early, which reduces the space available for Halloween related items, thus slowly pushing Halloween out of the public eye, causing it to lose some of its power over the masses. Over time the Church will once again attempt to Christianize the holiday currently known as Halloween, thus achieving the only item on the “To do” list of their original manifesto that has not yet been checked off. The first Pope to accomplish this will receive the coveted “Halloweenus Overus” ring that and yet to be worn by any member of the faith since its initial creation in 609 A.D.
Hey, as far as conspiracy theories go, I’ve have definitely made up worse, and heard a lot crazier.
At least they were not playing holiday music. Had that happened I would most likely have spent the day at home, hiding in the fetal position under a blanket my mom make for me when I was a kid, while softly crying and humming the “The Great Song of Indifference” by Bob Geldof in hopes that it would bring me out of my pre-preholiday funk. Instead we all get this, today’s Smirk. So, I guess … thanks Costco? No, that still doesn’t feel right. It’s still a little too soon.
So am I off base here, or do you think August is a little early to start stocking the shelves with Christmas décor?
Image Sources:
Google Images, keywords: no Christmas tree, Costco parking, ugly Christmas sweater, and bad carolers.
© Richard Timothy 2011
by Richard Timothy | Aug 16, 2011 | I Think There's a Point, My List of Things that Don't Suck, Observationally Speaking
It was my last Smirk that got me thinking about words and how easily a definition could change simply by looking at the way the word was made up. This got me looking at other words, words that have changed over the years. I don’t mean the definition has changed all that much, it’s just managed to acquire an addendum, but the outfit has certainly devolved in that process.
If I were to ask you what a pirate looked like you’d more than likely be able to point one out in a group … or would you? Sure a few hundred years ago pirates were the scourge of the seas, renowned and feared because of their affinity for murdering, looting, plundering, arson, hijacking, public intoxication, an unapologetic potty mouth, among other anti-gentlemanly activities. They exhibited the same kind of maritime behavior that made early Vikings famous for being the bad asses of the seas.
In searching to find examples of what pirates actually looked like, I managed to find a virtual copy of The Buccaneers of America (printed in 1678), thanks to The Library of Congress, which had a number of images of pirates from that era. I used these as my reference for what pirates use to look like. Even though none of the images depicted a pirated in a version of the iconic Seinfeld pirate shirt, there was enough suggestion in the images that pirates certainly had their own outfits, which moves me to suggest that the outfit of a pirate was distinct enough that people certainly knew a pirate when they saw one. I’m sure it was a look that took a little time to find and that everyone in the pirate fashion industry could agree on, but once it all came together it was obvious who was a pirate and who was not.
Pirates once carried with them only the image of Depp’s Captain Jack Sparrow, only meaner and a bit more of a tyrannical personality. It is true that that type of pirate still exists; take to those lads in Somalia (who actually do not consider themselves pirates) or similar types. No I’m referring to the addendum to the word pirate, which has come about in the last few decades. Today, the word carries with it the image of some 13 year-old that looks like Screech from Saved by the Bell, who spends most of his free time at his computer illegally pirating music and movies using some file sharing program like Napster, Bittorrent, Limeware, Kazaa or Bearshare. It’s a little depressing when you think about how the image of a pirate has changed in the last century.
To give a little clearer picture of what I mean, here’s a short comparison between two.
- Original pirates: Weapon of choice, a cutlass and a flintlock pistols.
- Present day pirates: Weapon of choice, a computer with internet access and an iPod or some other media watching/listening device.
- Winner: Original pirates.
- Original pirates: Sidekicks, an animal of some kind like a monkey or a parrot.
- Present day pirates: Sidekicks, something that enhances their ability to pirate something at a moment’s notice, like a memory stick or USB key for quick and easy access to friends electronically formatted music libraries.
- Winner: Original pirates.
- Original pirates: Wore silly hats, but made them look cool (example: a tricorne).
- Present day pirates: Wear normal hats, and make them look silly (example: a baseball cap worn backwards).
- Winner: Original pirates.
- Original pirates: Beverage of choice, a bottle of rum.
- Present day pirates: Beverage of choice, a bottle of water.
- Winner: Original pirates.
- Original pirates: Wore long sleeve puffy ruffled shirts that look ridiculous in when worn with a pair of jeans, but somehow worked with baggy pants and knee high boots.
- Present day pirates: Wear tee shirts that have entertaining graphics and/or sayings on them that look ridiculous in when worn with baggy pants and knee high boots, but somehow worked with a pair of jeans. (Even though original pirates in their full outfit looked a lot cooler, present day pirates are a lot more comfortable.)
- Winner: I think this one will have to go down as a tie depending on what result you are after.
- Original pirates: Had names like Blackbeard, Calico Jack, and Barbarossa.
- Present day pirates: Have names like Shawn Fanning, Brianna LaHara, and Jammie Thomas-Rassett.
- Winner: Original pirates.
- Original pirates: Gave us words like booty and hornswaggle, not to mention their affinity for pronouncing long Rs every chance they got.
- Present day pirates: Gave us words like rip and burn as an act for copying something. Plus, they have not carried on the tradition of using the long R sound in all of their every day speech.
- Winner: Original pirates.
And that ends this little comparison with original pirates 7, present day pirates 1. It is important to point out that present day pirates are a much nicer breed of people than original pirates. They don’t they don’t kill people, unless they are in 100% virtual and found in some computer game they’ve pirated. They don’t trespass onto property that is not theirs and take things that aren’t theirs. They don’t hoard all of their pirated loot, instead they open it up to anyone that would like to download some of their pirated goods … they are very big into sharing actually.
I guess it breaks down to this, even though original pirates looked a lot cooler and were much more bad ass than present day pirates, I really do prefer the present day ones, they are a lot better people and they shower regularly. Perhaps someday we’ll come up with a cross breed pirates, once that looks cool, but doesn’t go around violating other human rights, you know like a present day pirate dressing up as an original pirate for Halloween, or a Flying Spaghetti Monster convention. You never know.
What are your thoughts on the two pirate types?
Image Sources:
Google Images, keywords: Blackbeard, Screech, pirate with parrot, rum bottle, water bottle, pirate treasure, and pirate with iPod.
© Richard Timothy 2011
by Richard Timothy | Aug 9, 2011 | Fiction, Observationally Speaking, Redefined
There are many words out there that, when left to my own devices, create a fair amount of personal amusement. I figured for today’s Smirk I would visit some of those words and give a Smirk definition, and hopefully you’ll find them as entertaining as I do.
Shampoo
One word that always gets an adolescent giggle out of me is the word shampoo. We all know what shampoo is, it’s the combination of sham and poo, which, when combined translates into “pretended feces.” Now how this stuff is supposed to get your hair clean is beyond me, but I certainly understand the warning to keep it out of your eyes.
Intervention
The word intervention is the part in the invention process where the thought for the invention is still being developed internally. Some might claim that this is simply the idea phase, but there is a difference. You can have an idea that leads to an invention, but at some point between the idea and end product there is a space where the idea moves to an “I could create this and this is how” intellectual exercise and it’s in that mental invention creation where the intervention happens.
Pilot
At first glance pilot can be a tricky word. Many people mistake it for the word pielot, which is defined as a lot for storing pies. Pilot is actually a mathematical term used for complicated formulas that require a lot of pi’s to be used in the development of the equation.
Cantaloupe
Cantaloupe was originally used by detectives at Scotland Yard before magnifying glasses became standard issue to all graduates. A loupe is a magnifying glass without the handle and was once standard issue in every detective kit. The problem was that as crime scenes became bigger and bigger, so did the need to magnify larger areas to look for clues. A loupe was no longer an efficient tool. Cantaloupe became a standard word during investigations when a crime scene needed to be closely observed, but using a loupe proved to be ineffective. “I can’t loupe this entire area,” was soon shortened to just “cantaloupe”. Eventually it became slang for the phrase “finding a needle in a haystack.” How it became a word for a tasty round fruit … I have no idea.
Monogamy
Some humans have an affinity for going out and killing woodland creatures for the purpose of using the killed animal for food. These people religiously use the word monogamy as a way to describe certain flavor components in the meat of the animal they killed. Monogamy means that the flavor from the animal only has one (mono) component of gamy flavor within the meat once it is cooked and ingested. Monogamy meat is considered much more desirous than a dualgamy or trigamy meat. Apparently the less gamy it is the better.
Quiz
Quiz originates from the rare restroom phenomenon where five people enter a public restroom and begin urinating at the same time. It derives from the combination of “quintuplet” and the slang word “wiz.” An interesting bit of trivia about this word: The first use of the phrase “pop quiz” took place in a math class and did, in fact, create a quiz phenomenon within the class room for five very unprepared students.
Relate
This one is actually quite simple. Relate is the act of being late over and over again.
Revolution
Revolution is an old maritime word used by pirates to loot in a circular pattern. When they would board a ship they would begin looting at one spot and then move in a large circle looting everything of value in their path until they returned to their starting location.
And that bring my Smirk definitions to a close. As you can see, when it comes to defining words in a completely inaccurate manner, I have a way of keeping myself pretty entertained. Clearly this is not an all-inclusive list, and I do hope that no one from a non-English speaking country decides to use this as a vocabulary list for their English class they are teaching. Anyway, there you have it, a few words that have had their definition Smirked. I hope you enjoyed them.
Let me know what you think. If I get enough supportive feedback, I’ll be sure to revisit this topic from time to time.
Image Sources:
Google Images, keywords: dictionary, a loupe, and running late.
© Richard Timothy 2011
by Richard Timothy | Aug 4, 2011 | I Just Don't Get It, Non-Fiction, Observationally Speaking
Today’s Smirk began to form the other night as I sat down to watch a DVD after dinner. As the DVD loaded and began to play that I did something that I don’t think I’ve ever done before, I took a moment and actually read the FBI warning. Usually I just curse under my breath at the DVD as I wait for the warning to pass while pressing the forward or menu button incessantly in hopes that something will happen that has never happened before, and I’ll be able to skip that damn warning. Say what you will about VHS, but when it comes that tedious FBI warning VHS will always be a superior form of technology for the sole purpose that you can actually fast-forward through them.
There are a number of different formats for FBI warnings on DVDs, and in researching it I’ve discovered the language in the warnings can vary a little. The one I happened to read said this:
“FBI WARNING
Federal Law provides sever civil and criminal penalties for the unauthorized reproduction, distribution or exhibition of copyrighted motion pictures, video tapes, DVDs or video discs. Criminal copyright infringement is investigated by the FBI and may constitute a felony with a maximum penalty of up to five years in prison and/or a $250,000 fine.
DO NOT COPY”
Anyone else catch that? That’s right “video tapes”, they are including the term video tapes in the warning. I don’t know about you, but this causes me to believe that the people responsible for making sure the FBI warning is displayed on every DVD don’t even read the warning.
I get that piracy is a problem, but the big boldfaced WARNING seems a little intense and overbearing to the person that just paid for the DVD. Not to mention, these warnings seem directed at the wrong people. I just purchased the film, and now this overbearing warning that I am forced to sit through feels a little like a threatened that if I make a copy of my DVD I can be fined and send to prison. Then I am stuck having to deal with a series of previews that in some cases I can’t skip past, but I can at least fast forward through, which in my opinion is just an asshole move by the movie company that put out the DVD. I don’t care that you advertise on the disc, but make it something I can choose to watch as an option in the menu and not something that automatically imposes itself on me when I start up the DVD.
Also, the warning is a tad erroneous. Having purchased the DVD I, under the “fair use” rule, have the right to copy my DVD for my own use, examples include burning it onto another disc as a backup or placing it on another device, such as an iPod, for personal viewing. So the “DO NOT COPY” in the warning is more of a suggestion than an actual demand. Still, in the written genre when you use all caps like that its considered yelling, and yelling at your customer is not only rude, but lacks standards and professionalism. You DVD manufacturers should be ashamed of yourself … and if you keep this up, I’m going to call your mother.
In researching this I found a comment in an article about pirated DVDs were the guy loves his pirated DVDs because the pirates understand the customer’s wants and have removed the FBI warning and the previews from their pirated product. When the guy puts a pirated DVD into his player one of two things happens, either the movie starts playing or the DVD loads to the menu list, that’s it. Personally that sounds wonderful! Yes, piracy is wrong and I don’t think people should do it, but the movie companies should really take a look at what their competitors (the pirates) are doing to make their product more appealing to the masses, and start applying it to their original product. At this point, it just feels like they are punishing us for being honest consumers, and that’s a pretty crappy business model.
In the end, is there really a point to these warnings? Has it ever thwarted someone’s pirating ways? Has there ever been a case were a DVD pirater has got everything ready to make a bunch of illegal copies, but as the movie begins he reads the FBI Warning and thinks, “Well my goodness, I had no idea what I am about to do is illegal. I am going to stop contributing to this crime right now!” I’m going to have to go with my gut feeling that no, this has never happened, and I doubt it ever will.
I suppose the only point for having them is so that in the event someone ever does get hauled in for pirating DVDs they won’t be able to use the “I didn’t know it was illegal” line of defense, which as far as I know has never held up in a court of law.
What are your thoughts on the matter?
Image Sources:
Google Images, keywords: watching tv, FBI Warning, fair use, and the point.
© Richard Timothy 2011
by Richard Timothy | Jul 29, 2011 | Acting my Age, I Think There's a Point, Non-Fiction, Observationally Speaking
As a commuter I spend a lot of time in my car, at least an hour a day, which for commuting really isn’t that bad at all when compared to some people I know. This preferred method of getting myself to work and from each day has allowed me to observe an awful lot of driving, and a lot of awful driving. One of the most memorable acts or unrelenting stupidity I was the witness to was a driver who decided to get onto the freeway while at a stop light and being three lanes away from the freeway entrance turning lane.
The set up looked like this, there were two turning lanes full of traffic, then three lanes of regular traffic. We were all under the guidance of the sane driving practice that once the light turned green we would all be staying in our lane and driving forward. I was even the first car in the second lane of forward moving traffic, so I was sure to be extra attentive so that I started off right as the light turned so as to not piss off any of the people waiting for their turn to go. Some people get very touchy when people to not begin moving the second the light changes color.
The turning lane lights were the first to go from red to green. Per standard practice, we all waited patiently for the lights ahead of us to give us the friendly green go ahead. Well, as the lights changed from green to yellow, the person to my right, the furthest lane from the turning lanes decided it was their turn to go and takes off, cutting across all three lanes and into the turning lane just as the forward traffic lights changed from red to green. I think everyone was so dumbfounded by the level of stupidity they had just witnessed that everyone forgot to honk their horns in disapproving unity.
Crazy drivers, however, are not what I want to Smirk about today. I was thinking about this the other night, about the ways we thank others for being chivalrous when sharing the road. And the most common act of automotive chivalry is that of letting someone merge into traffic ahead of you when the roads are packed.
We all know how it goes, you are heading home from some event, be it work, or a sporting event, or a concert, etc. and you are struck with the sudden urge to consume a pretend milkshake. You pull out of traffic make your way through the drive-thru of some fast food place, which is right on the main road. You are now stuck with the predicament of how to get out of the drive-thru and back into traffic. Eventually someone will notice your predicament and in an act of automotive chivalry will slow down and offer to let you in front of them.
You wave to this person vigorously to show your intense gratitude and for a split second consider writing down their license plate so that you can look them up on the DMV website to find their address so you can send them a thank you note. Then you realize how creepy that sounds and do your best to pretend that you have never ever thought of doing that, ever … and I never have.
Now in my youth, the problem I had at this point is that I wanted to show my gratitude to this kind person for letting me in. The only thing I could come up with was an intense urge to go as fast as I could in an attempt to prove to the stranger that they would not regret letting me in front of them. On one occasion I remember thinking to myself, “Don’t you worry little silver sports car man, I won’t let you down!” and I didn’t. Thankfully I didn’t get pulled over for speeding either.
As I’ve gotten older what I’ve come realize is that most aged folk don’t care if you drive fast after we let you in front of us. Usually we do it to be polite and as a way of apologizing to everyone who has ever been on the road with you when you were a youthful driver. However if you happen to be a young driver (say 16 to 29), the real reason we let you in front of us is because we know you will speed away from use as a way to say thank you and you getting as far away from our car as fast as possible is one of the kindest things you can do. The fact is, we don’t trust you and feel much safer having you in front of us speeding away from us instead of being behind us speeding toward us. So on behalf of all of us, you’re welcome … and slow down, you could hurt somebody.
Image Sources:
Google Maps and Google Images, keywords: commute and waving from car.
© Richard Timothy 2011
It’s a fact, men and women watch television differently … at least it’s a fact at my home. This Smirk is a collection of observations about the differences I’ve noticed when watching television with my sweetie-baby-cutie-pie-wifey-pooh. Clearly this is going to be mostly one sided, but I do think there are cases that most can relate to. 
