Smirkfinition, Redefining Common Words – Part 2

Smirkfinition, Redefining Common Words – Part 2

With September almost at an end what better way to wrap up this month revisiting my Smirkfinition concept, focusing on words that I’ve a few words I’ve used in the Smirks I’ve posted this month. For those not familiar with the term Smirkfinition, well, there are many words out there that, when left to my own devices, create a fair amount of personal amusement. I’m visiting these words and giving them a new … nay a Smirk definition; hopefully you’ll find them as entertaining as I do.

Reverend, pronounced rev-er-end, is the practice of revving your vehicles (car, truck, motorcycle, something with an engine) engine before turning it off. The counterpart to this work is revelry, which is revving your engine over and over again after first starting it up. Traditionally this only took place on cold mornings. In later years this practice has evolved into an action commonly performed by men when other men are around to show their dominance and fearlessness, unfortunately the female portion consider this obnoxious, rude, and how they gage the mental development of the man in the car. The more revs the lower their mental development.

Note: It should be noted that these men are always good for a free drink and probably have a container of chilled wine coolers already in their car, although it is not recommend that you get in the guy’s car to consume said wine cooler.

The word wedding is a slang term for a specific time used by monks in the late 18th century. The first part of the word identifies the day, in this case Wednesday. The second portion of the word, ding, equates to the church bells, specifically then all the bells in the church would ring, which was traditionally at noon. So in short, wedding quite literally translates into “Wednesday at noon”.

Perform is what everyone who has ever acted in the musical Cats has accomplished. Simply put it is when a person it acting like a cat and while holding a feline pose they purr.

Note: Technically it should be “purform”, but due to a misprint that appeared on the Broadway poster for cats, which said, “The cast perform with grace and brilliance.” was originally said as, “The cast purform with grace and brilliance.” The writers inability or correctly translate can be blamed on the southern accent of the person who was quoted.

Bride is the activity the couple usually engages in on the wedding night.

Groom was originally the location where the bride was supposed to take place.

Honeymoon is the act when your significant, commonly referred to as “your honey” engages in the comical debauchery of flashing you their unclothed buttocks. This comes from the verb moon, as in to moon someone, which holds no regulations towards who one is flashing their exposed gluteus maximus at. In the case of a honeymoon, the mooning action is reserved for the mooner’s “honey”.

Matrimony is a form of barter currency that originated during the Great Depression where mattresses were used as a form of cash. Later this term evolved with the times and is now used to describe the mattresses that people stuff full of cash.

Flying is the anti-potty mouth term used to emphasize the negative emotion people feel when they are lied to. The f constitutes the (according to Americans) the queen mother of all dirty words. The f dash, dash, dash word … as in f#%! If someone opposed to the specifics of profanity discovers someone is lying to them, apart from getting a wee bit annoyed, they may let the person know that they know the person is flying to them (aka f’ing lying). Other forms of this word include referring to the person telling the lie as a flyer (aka f’ing liar), or that someone is telling them a fly (aka f’ing lie). Apparently people opposed to profanity have no problem inferring profanity just as long as the specific words of profanity are not spoken.

And that brings this installment of my Smirkfinitions to a close. As you can see, when it comes to defining words in a completely inaccurate manner, I have a gift … or curse, depending on how you choose to look at it. I hope you enjoyed them.

Image Sources:
Google Images, keywords: Dictionary, church bells, and surprised bride.

© Richard Timothy 2011

Smirkfinitions, Redefining Common Words – Part 1

Smirkfinitions, Redefining Common Words – Part 1

There are many words out there that, when left to my own devices, create a fair amount of personal amusement. I figured for today’s Smirk I would visit some of those words and give a Smirk definition, and hopefully you’ll find them as entertaining as I do.

One word that always gets an adolescent giggle out of me is the word shampoo. We all know what shampoo is, it’s the combination of sham and poo, which, when combined translates into “pretended feces.” Now how this stuff is supposed to get your hair clean is beyond me, but I certainly understand the warning to keep it out of your eyes.

The word intervention is the part in the invention process where the thought for the invention is still being developed internally. Some might claim that this is simply the idea phase, but there is a difference. You can have an idea that leads to an invention, but at some point between the idea and end product there is a space where the idea moves to an “I could create this and this is how” intellectual exercise and it’s in that mental invention creation where the intervention happens.

At first glance pilot can be a tricky word. Many people mistake it for the word pielot, which is defined as a lot for storing pies. Pilot is actually a mathematical term used for complicated formulas that require a lot of pi’s to be used in the development of the equation.

Cantaloupe was originally used by detectives at Scotland Yard before magnifying glasses became standard issue to all graduates. A loupe is a magnifying glass without the handle and was once standard issue in every detective kit. The problem was that as crime scenes became bigger and bigger, so did the need to magnify larger areas to look for clues. A loupe was no longer an efficient tool. Cantaloupe became a standard word during investigations when a crime scene needed to be closely observed, but using a loupe proved to be ineffective. “I can’t loupe this entire area,” was soon shortened to just “cantaloupe”. Eventually it became slang for the phrase “finding a needle in a haystack.” How it became a word for a tasty round fruit … I have no idea.

Some humans have an affinity for going out and killing woodland creatures for the purpose of using the killed animal for food. These people religiously use the word monogamy as a way to describe certain flavor components in the meat of the animal they killed. Monogamy means that the flavor from the animal only has one (mono) component of gamy flavor within the meat once it is cooked and ingested. Monogamy meat is considered much more desirous than a dualgamy or trigamy meat. Apparently the less gamy it is the better.

Quiz originates from the rare restroom phenomenon where five people enter a public restroom and begin urinating at the same time. It derives from the combination of “quintuplet” and the slang word “wiz.” An interesting bit of trivia about this word: The first use of the phrase “pop quiz” took place in a math class and did, in fact, create a quiz phenomenon within the class room for five very unprepared students.

This one is actually quite simple. Relate is the act of being late over and over again.

Revolution is an old maritime word used by pirates to loot in a circular pattern. When they would board a ship they would begin looting at one spot and then move in a large circle looting everything of value in their path until they returned to their starting location.

And that bring my Smirk definitions to a close. As you can see, when it comes to defining words in a completely inaccurate manner, I have a way of keeping myself pretty entertained. Clearly this is not an all-inclusive list, and I do hope that no one from a non-English speaking country decides to use this as a vocabulary list for their English class they are teaching. Anyway, there you have it, a few words that have had their definition Smirked. I hope you enjoyed them.

Let me know what you think. If I get enough supportive feedback, I’ll be sure to revisit this topic from time to time.

Image Sources:
Google Images, keywords: dictionary, a loupe, and running late.

© Richard Timothy 2011

Remembering Al

Remembering Al

With today being the 56th anniversary of Albert Einstein’s passing I thought it might be nice to dedicate today’s Smirk to the man with the crazy hair.

I get that Al was one of the most, if not the most, brilliant mind in the 20th century, but for some reason whenever I think of him, the first place I go is the image of him sticking out his tongue at the camera.

I mean sure eventually I get to the E=MC2 persona, but it always takes a little time. I’ve even watched a documentary about the man and was surprised at how obsessed he became with his work. So much so that his health started to suffer as a result, which, in my opinion, lead to this little know mathematical gem of his:

W/E = (S) : ( + CH
Work over everything equals sickness, times a sad face, plus crazy hair.

Even though his scientist friends laughed at this new formula, he knew it was true. He had lived it after all. It was during this recovery that Al discovered the importance of balance in one’s life. Work is important, but for longevity and peace of mind you have to make sure to take time for yourself and take time to laugh with life. This new philosophy resulted in the invention of an entirely new system of math for the purpose of creating the following formula:

[~~OK~~] ([~~/\~~]) = xK\~~~~ + 1 : ) [~~/\~~]*
A man in water, times a shark in water equals a dead man under water, plus one happy face shark in water.
*A special thank you to my Facebook friend Paula Caddick for educating me on the basics behind this formula.

And even though those last two equations are not to be taken a factual statements, it does not change the importance on their message or the sure brilliance of the made up math involved. Still, apart from being a genius Al is still a source of many truly grand and Smirk inspiring quotes. Here are ten of my favorites:

  • “There are two ways to live your life – one is as though nothing is a miracle, the other is as though everything is a miracle.”
  • “The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.”
  • “The only thing that interferes with my learning is my education.”
  • “The whole of science is nothing more than a refinement of everyday thinking.”
  • “If A is a success in life, then A equals x plus y plus z. Work is x; y is play; and z is keeping your mouth shut.”
  • “Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe.”
  • “The life of the individual has meaning only insofar as it aids in making the life of every living thing nobler and more beautiful. Life is sacred, that is to say, it is the supreme value, to which all other values are subordinate.”
  • “People do not grow old no matter how long we live. We never cease to stand like curious children before the great Mystery into which we were born.”
  • “I am content in my later years. I have kept my good humor and take neither myself nor the next person seriously.”
  • “Time is what prevents everything from happening at once.”

There are a number of Einstein photos available on the net, so to finish off this ode to Al I thought I’d give my own personal interpretation for some of my favorite Einstein photos:

Little know fact, this photo of Einstein riding a bike was the inspiration for Queen’s hit single “Bicycle Race.”

This photo of Einstein pointing at what I assume is a reporter who has a question for him seems to perfectly capture the following made up quote, “One more intentionally misleading statement out of you Mr. Rupert Murdoch and someone is gonna get the hurt real bad.”

(I was going to go with a “full my finger quote”, but that’s just too easy.)

In this photo of Al giggling profusely, what the photographer failed to miss was the puppy licking Al’s bare toes.

So on this day of remembrance, let me just say thanks Al, not just for all that science stuff, but for keeping us laughing for the 56 years since you experienced life’s greatest mystery. Here’s to you, cheers!

Image Sources:
Google Images, keywords: Albert Einstein and puppy licking toes.

© Richard Timothy 2011

I am Number Four – A Smirk Movie Review

I am Number Four – A Smirk Movie Review

This is a feature I have not done for over a year and one of the few that actually falls in the fiction category of things I write, for my blog anyway. Truth is, I think about doing this at least once every few weeks, but I always end up Smirking about something completely different. So today I figured “why not” and decided to create a new Smirk installment of a Made-up Movie Review. The rules are quite simple, I search the internet to find a movie that is coming out this weekend, which I will probably never see, unless I lose a bet or… no, I really do think that is the only reason I’d be found watching some of these movies… oh wait, that or unless they do a RiffTrax for the film, which is actually how I ended up watching Twilight.

After I find the film of expected avoidance, I then watch the preview for the film. I make a note of one or two lines, preferable taken out of context and write a complete review of the movie that is in no way related to the actual film… in short, I write something I know nothing about. So for today’s made up movie review, I give you “I am Number Four.”

The first concern I had with this film was its title. You know it is time to worry when the movie won’t even invest enough in the story to get names for the main characters. Although I will say that the studio was kind enough to start with Four as opposed to One, Two, or Three. Right off the bat we are informed that One, Two, and Three are already dead… sweet! In one sentence we have managed to skip an entire trilogy all ending in exactly the same way. So what makes Four so much better than his three predecessors? The simple fact that Four is very much alive.

Four, a teenager, who is played by a twenty-seven year old waiter in LA, finds himself is a small town in Ohio with no real connection or memory of his past. He lives with his legal guardian, played by Bruce Campbell, who watches over him and constantly reminds him that knowing about his past in not important. He uses a lot of hand puppets to get Four to open up and talk about his feelings. Each of these conversations ending with Bruce telling Four that feelings are not important, thus confusing Four as to why Bruce’s puppet friends wanted to talk about them in the first place. This causes Four to run out of the house in a rage of teenage angst.

As the days pass, Four begins to realize that he is not like the other teenagers. No teenager knows how it feels to feel out of place, without anyone to talk to, and on top of it all he has a crush on the popular girl who moved there from Arizona, but is really only interested in chiseled supernatural beings; all of whom seem to be on the same decoration committee for the prom. That weekend, as Four is spending it alone, having a John Hughes movie marathon, older men in black SUVs and wearing sunglasses at night, show up and try to kill him.

Bruce charges in with a chainsaw in one hand and a rifle in the other, and is quickly tazed, leaving him incapacitated and instantly forgotten about. As the men in sunglasses close in circling around Four, Sex… I mean Six, jumps into the middle of the action in a sexy, yet awesome stop motion pose, that we really only enjoyed once when we first saw the Matrix, and as her hand hits the ground palm down, all the men in sunglasses simultaneously fly into the air and are knocked unconscious as they hit the ground. As she spins her head around to look at Four she tosses the hair out of her eyes and says, “I’m Six.” Yes the sex interest in I am Number Four is named Six. Apparently someone thought it would be clever to have the name of the love interest and the main thing Four wants from the love interest to be separated by only one vowel.

“Yes you are,” retorts Four, “and sixy as hell.”

Six smiles, clearly accepting and encouraging this type of verbal banter, which lets us know that the rest of the film will be filled with sexual tension between the two and that the rest of the dialogue between them be filled with this style of banter, which never gets old ever… especially if you are fourteen boy and consider the Six/sex bit to be most brilliant play on words you have ever experienced in your entire life.

As Six and Four flee for their lives, Six informs Fours that he is not alone in the world. There are more people out there with numbers for names. Unfortunately there is a deranged evil leader guy of power that has created a task force dedicated to eradicating individuals who have a number for a name, explaining that One, Two and Three have already fallen victim to this evil group.

As the misunderstood teens continue to run, hide, get surrounded by men in sunglasses, and narrowly escape, Four begins to learn that he, along with having a number for a name, has super mutant powers… and a lot of them. The two decide to seek sanctuary at Xavier’s School for Gifted Youngsters and begin making their way to New York State. Six attempts to help Four gain control of his powers. Surprisingly Four keeps failing, and complains the whole time that it’s really hard and he just can’t do it.

Then, just five miles away from Xavier’s School, all the men in sunglasses and the evil leader guy show up in a deserted town for a final showdown. As Four attempts to use his powers, failing once again, Six attempts to save the day… and Four. She is quickly incapacitated by the evil leader guy, who, against all expectation, has his own superpowers that he’s been hiding from everyone until this very moment.

Just as evil leader guy is about to blow up Six using all of his superpowers, Bruce appears charging in with a chainsaw in one hand and a rifle in the other, and is quickly tazed, leaving him incapacitated and instantly forgotten about. This delays the evil leader guy just long enough for Four to leap in and push Six out of harm’s way, knocking her unconscious in the process. For the first time of the entire movie Four is on his own and against all possible expectation the superpower blast from evil leader guy somehow does nothing to Four except fully awaken his own powers. This allows Four to save the day by unleashing all his powers in only the way a misunderstood, chemically imbalanced, angry, horny, teenage boy who only wants a little peace and quiet so he can try to make-out with a hot chick, can… he kills everyone around him except for the girl.

As all of the men in sunglasses run in random directions, burning alive, and the evil leader guy’s head finally hits the ground about three miles from where it left its body, Six wakes up in Four’s arms and instantly begins making out with him. A now awake Bruce makes a small coughing noise to interrupt the make-out session, causing Six and Four shoot a surprised glance in Bruce’s direction. The expression of surprise turns into the mischievous grin of two kids who have been caught in the act… of kissing. The three of them laugh, followed by Bruce saying, “Let’s go home kid.” Four looks at Six longingly. She smiles and nods, and the movie ends with the silhouette of the three of them walking from all the burning bodies and burning buildings as the closing credits begin rolling up the screen.

So, if you are in the mood for a Superman-ish farm boy, turned project Weapon X runaway, saved by a Firestarter-ish teenage cheerleader, who is actually the female equivalent of Obi-wan, there to awaken the Jedi power within a misunderstood anger filled teenager, while they are both running for their lives from some evil group of men that always wear sunglasses and can never hit anything they’re shooting at, followed by a climax of battling mutant powers, and ending in total success because the whole plot of the movie was actually, “Are the two hot ones going to make-out or not?” well then this movie will not disappoint you.

I do hope you enjoyed my Smirk Made-up Movie Review for I am Number Four. Let me know what you think… If enough people enjoy it, I’ll try to make it a more of a regular feature.

Image Sources:
Google Images, keywords: I am Number Four.

Star Wars, The Untold Stories

Star Wars, The Untold Stories

The amazing thing about releasing a creation to the world is that one it is released, it becomes it’s very own force, which is something to be dealt with. The thing is one you put it out there it is out of your hands, and regardless of how much you want to keep hold of it and keep it pure, there is going to be someone out there with a little too much free time on their hands that is going to bastardize the whole thing. This has happened repetitively throughout the ages.

There is one, however, that I feel compelled to share. And it’s thanks to Facebook and the ongoing experience of meeting new people and seeing new profile pictures that makes me smile and want to share some of these unsolicited and experiments that were birthed by the creation that is Star Wars.

I mean sure I could make a comment that Lucas has done more to bastardize and destroy the magic that was the original concept and creation, but that would be a little too easy. So instead I give you a few Facebookian Star Wars themed profile pictures that I feel deserve a little personal insight as well as a gratitude filled nod to whoever created these Smirk inducing images:

Jedi Squirrels
The force has never been so cute and so dangerous at the same time. This is a result of Yoda getting bored waiting for Luke to show up on Dagobah for his Jedi training montage. The squirrels used the force to escape Dagobah to find a nice park on a populated planet where they could do Jedi battle reenactments for, well, nuts. To me, the only comparison that gets close to this trio is a squadron… is that right? Or is it a flock, or posse, or troop… flank!… whatever the word is the rest of it is… ninja bunnies! I mean what is a better or more perfect blend of adorable and deadly at the same time.

Gentleman Fett
Bobo Fett dressed up in a Victorian suit. There is something inherently smileful about a gentleman bounty hunter. This image was taken after Han was frozen and Bobo had some extra cash after delivering him to the Hutt. He opted to go on holiday. As he was traveling around he found a rustic little western town that had one of those old timey photo studios where he went in to play dressed up, and found some cloths from an almost forgotten era just to get his picture taken. I don’t know about you, but there is something about Bobo playing dress up always gets me laughing.

Princess Vader
Speaking of playing dress up, here’s what happened when young Leia discovered who her real father was. I can only imagine the inner dialogue that created this for her costume themed 5th birthday party. “Should I be a princess, or my dad… princess… dad? Hmmm… I know! Both!” A pink Darth Vader mask with a tiara, I know Darth wanted to rule the Empire with his son Luke, but had he just skipped that battle and approached the daddy’s girl who knows what direction the empire would have gone once the Emperor was out of the way.

President Chewbacca
It was a close race, but it happened, Chewie ran for office and won. And even though he was the first Wookiee to be elected to reside over the senate after the Emperor fell, he took the task very seriously. This included the first pitch of the season, not bad form either for considering Wookiee’s are not big baseball fans. They are not terribly fond of sports that require you to catch things in your hand instead of your mouth. It’s an instinct that goes back to their canine ancestors. And who would have expected him and Leia to hook up after things failed with Han. I always thought Chewy had more of a crush on Han than Leia, who knew. Han was still a trooper about the whole thing and was the best man at the wedding. Leia also made a very capable first lady due to all that political training she received when she was a kid.

And finally… a bit of (made up) Star Wars Trivia…

How Carrie Fisher Got the Role as Leia
According to my sources (that are completely fictitious) this photo was taken at some StWa-Con (a made up comic book/sci fi convention) where a reenactment was performed to convey how Lucas decided who was going to play the the role of Princess Leia… the winner of the pillow fight would don the Princess Leia mantel. This battle lasted at three days, and Lucas sat in his director’s chair for the entire duration until Fisher emerged victorious. (She might be little, but she can hold her own. Just ask Jabba.)

Well there you have it, some of my favorite random Star Wars themed images from random Facebook profile pictures and the completely bogus stories and made-up commentaries that go with them.

What are your thoughts?

Image Sources:
Taken from random Facebook profile images.

Allergic to Cute – Part 2

Allergic to Cute – Part 2

This actually started as a side thought while I was working on the “Allergic to Cute” Smirk I did yesterday. With the Allergic to Cute post now over a day old, I can confidently say that it is a documented fact that cute fuzzy things evoke in us an impulse to uncontrollably squeeze them. And by documented fact, I mean it’s a fact that I have documented this human condition. Now take away all the fur, and add rolls of chubbiness and keep the adorability level at high and what happens with this impulse? Babies are associated with this allergic to cute concept, but the reaction is a little different. The desire to squeeze subsides, but the uncontrollable desire to eat them comes to the surface in full force.

On Sunday my ten month old nephew was with his mom over for dinner. After dinner concluded, I found myself holding the kid while his mom was getting his bottle ready. I noticed that while I was sitting there holding on to his roly poly little arms, I had a sudden urge to bite him. Not in a “Braiiiins!” way, but more of a “I just wanna eat you!” jovial way. I even went so far as to take one of his pudgy hands and put it in my mouth just so I could feel the baby skin next to my teeth. It was oddly soothing and satisfying and removed as desire to what to make a snack out of him.

I know I’m not alone in this too. I see people doing this all the time with cubby babies. I would dare say it is a worldwide practice. People are always putting baby feet or hands into their mouths and lightly gnawing on them. Some even make a game out of pretending to eat up the baby whole, complete with “chomp, chomp, chomp” noises they make while miming the actions. I makes me wonder if blowing on a baby’s tummy is really a game to get the little thing to giggle, or is it actually an attempt to vibrationally tenderize the baby, which I think would only add to its adorability and yumminess levels. There is also the arm biting where people will grab the baby’s arm and start lightly gnawing on it like it were corn on the cob.

I’m not saying we should begin baby consumption, although we do take part in this already at certain levels… namely eggs, oh and caviar, which I guess is still eggs. There is also the veal eaters, which most people agree belong right above “that couple that bring their baby to a 9 PM showing of a rated R movie and refuses to take them out of the theater when it wakes up and starts to cry” people on the All-Time Most Despised People list. Yes veal eaters are worse than the crying baby at movie people.

On a literary level, the one thing that this realization has done for me is allow me to connect with the witch in Hansel and Gretel a little more. I have no plans on changing my views on the outcome of the story. I just I understand her motivations a bit more. Did she deserve to be cooked alive in her own stove? Yes. That is what I like to call the golden rule of karma. Now had the kids eaten the witch after she was cooked, then we would have had ironic karma, which is just as good as regular karma only with an additional “ha ha” mixed in with the story telling portion of it.

I guess if I was to leave you with one thing it would have to be… “NO! Don’t eat babies!” There, that should do it. Seriously though, lightly gnawing on babies is fine, but really, that’s it.

Come on, you know you crave gnawing on babies too. Fess up.

Image Sources:
Google Images, key words: chubby baby, mom biting baby, and Hansel and Gretel.