by Richard Timothy | Oct 5, 2011 | I Do Suggest, I Think There's a Point, My Cutie Baby Sweetie Pie, Non-Fiction, Observationally Speaking
Today’s Smirk is brought to you thanks to my sweetie-baby-cutie-pie-wifey-pooh and her younger sister Rochie-butt. I’m not sure why by for some reason terms of endearment for my wife’s family always includes making sure the name of endearment ends with something related to or connected with the derriere region of the human physique.
So here’s what happened … Rochelle, aka Rochie-butt, was visiting for a few days. Now I don’t know about you, but when I get together with my family let’s just say there is an element of goofiness that comes out, gets passed around and is enjoyed by all. Angela’s family shares this same quality, and when she and Rochelle spent a little too much time together (usually twenty minutes or longer) their motivation to break into song, do silly walks or dances, make sound effect noises, or … well you get the point, these types of actions come to the forefront of their personalities.
When these two get in this type of mood two things happen, first, I openly and loudly exclaim how eerie it is at how similar those two are, and second, I attempt to join in starting off by using Star Wars sound effects or sharing my best “Hulk smash!” impression replacing Hulk’s name with someone else in the room. Hey, when a case of the giggles starts there are no dumb additions to keep the fit going. I won’t say that in looking back there has never been the need to offer a formal written apology to someone, but now that I’m out of my twenties, it rarely, and I mean rarely, happens.
So back to Angela and Rochelle, I hear them walk into the house and it is clear that the giggles have already started, I head down to help bring in some groceries and if at all possible get Angela to do her Chewbacca yell, which she will only do when she is in the type of mood. It’s not that her Chewbacca yell is all that authentic, but it always makes me laugh.
As all three of us are in the kitchen, maneuvering around each other, putting away the groceries and Rochelle manages to say something that inspires Angela to begin doing a little dance while singing out, “I’m Rochelle. I’m Rochelle.”
Rochelle makes it clear that she is about to hit the “no more giggles” wall. This is the point in a community shared bout of laughter that someone essentially sobers up in an instance and everything that was previously hysterical is now dumb and not funny in the least. It’s kind of like driving 80 on the freeway and then putting the car in reverse and stomping on the gas. This bipolar action from everything is funny to nothing is funny takes about .0025% of a second, confusing everyone in the room who is still enjoying the warm fuzzy feeling of group laughter.
Rochelle, still half laughing, warns Angela to “Quit it or I’ll get out my secret weapon!” as Angela continues with her song and dance number. Rochelle then hits the wall and the warning to “quit it” stops and her “secret weapon”, or implement of stopping the family insanity, comes out of her purse as she states, “Fine, you asked for it.”
In her hand is her smart phone and tapping away on her touch screen to pulling up its video record function. Once it is ready to go (this take about five seconds tops), her finger hovering over the record button, she gives her final warning, “Go ahead. Keep it up. I’ll put that shit on Facebook.”
Not only did Angela stop her Rochelle themed song and dance, but the same second Rochelle finished her final warning, Angela simultaneously jumped and hid behind me to hide from the camera. Then, peeking over my shoulder with the phone at the ready she squeaked a defeated, “No.” (As is no she would not be put on Facebook doing her musical Rochelle impression.)
I was amazed at how effective and efficient Rochelle’s threat was. I’ve never seen anything work quite that proficiently, and it got me thinking about the benefits of converting to a smart phone for crowd control purposes at Thanksgiving and Christmas.
Note: It is important to point at that the power of this threat does not work on kids up to the age of 12 and adults who have had a few more than too many, apparently adolescents and inebriation both seem to carry with it the characteristic of lessened inhibitions when there is a camera present ready to record your every word and action. It’s as if one’s inner “Born to be a star” personality takes over and all you have to do is sit back and enjoy the show.
And, in the case with the drunken adult, it’s a pretty good way to encourage them to pay for all your drinks the next time you go out as payment for letting them delete the only existing copy of the video you made of them off your phone.
The laughter started again about twenty minutes later with no repeat threat of “putting that shit on Facebook” regardless the song and dance number either of them was doing. It didn’t matter though, the rest of the night I replayed the initial event over and over again, smirking every time I got to the point where the threat was made and my sweetie-baby-cutie-pie-wifey-pooh jumped behind me in an act of defeat before the record button could ever be pressed. Ah, the power of technology and its assistance in controlling the amount of goofiness one’s family is willing to dish out at any given time … just brilliant, and a Smirk, I feel, well worth the sharing.
Image Sources:
Google Images, keywords: sisters laughing, arrested development chicken, taking photo on phone, and drunk photo.
© Richard Timothy 2011
by Richard Timothy | Sep 19, 2011 | I Do Suggest, I Think There's a Point, My List of Things that Don't Suck, Non-Fiction, Observationally Speaking
Last weekend (not the past one, but the one before that) I had the honor of performing the wedding of my oldest brother. The wedding went off without a hitch … although if you think about it, isn’t the whole point of a marriage, to get hitched? With this wedding being the fourth wedding I have performed, I thought for this week’s Smirk I’d take a look as some of the things I’ve learned over the past few weddings.
When my first wedding came up, let’s just say that I was very happy I had been in a wedding prior to it or things may have turned out a little lacking in flow. When I showed up I was planning on simply walking the couple through the ceremony on how it was going to work and showing them the logistics for how a sand ceremony works. As it turned out, the couple wanted their parents and a child from a previous relationship added to the ceremony, so I knew I’d have a few people to direct.
It was when I arrived and walked into the space where the wedding was going to take place and the groom asked, “So what do we do?” that I realized they were going to need a little more direction than just were to stand and the queues they need to wait for before they performed their task in the ceremony… and some reason when you walk into a wedding rehearsal a day (or hours) before the official ceremony, and chaos of people find out you are “the reverend”, pretty much anything you say after that becomes the official law for how things are done for the wedding.
I got to put together the precession for who would be walking down the aisle and in what order. I got to choose the sides that the brides and groom’s family were to sit on, and had them practice the march a few times so that the timing and spacing would work out instead of having everyone shuffle in like a train trying for its quickest time for passenger arrival. The couple did have the wedding march songs picked out, which was helpful, but unfortunately they were not sure when they needed to play those songs.
Here are few things to keep in mind if you every find yourself choosing to become a reverend so you can perform a wedding for a friend or family member.
Just because you are a reverend does not mean that people get to confess things to you. For some reason when people hear you hold some sort of title that they associate a kind of authority you hear a fair share of stories from people you know (or don’t know) about things they did that you a) never ever wanted to know, or b) just don’t care about. You really can break someone off in the middle of their confession about accidentally killing their little sister’s pet hamster by putting it in that plastic running ball and letting it make a mad dash down the stairs. I mean you could, but I didn’t want to risk it and have them show up later with a therapy bill they expected me to pay for rejecting their confession half way through.- Know the preferred language of the couple getting married, the language of their beliefs I mean. If the couple does not believe in god(s) you really don’t want to use Heavenly Father, Shiva, Yahweh, Buddha, The Flying Spaghetti Monster, Elohim, Zeus, The Holy Ghost, etc. to bless the couple. Likewise, if they do believe in a god(s) make sure you use the right one(s).
- Your power to bless the couple is endless. No really, it is. You can use anything and everything to bless them with. I’ve used sand, spices, energy, the sun, coconuts, the ocean, a stick. As long as the blessing holds a positive connotation to the couple and union taking place, it’s all good.
This brings me when overseeing a wedding ceremony always remember the Boy Scout motto and “be prepared!” This included being prepared for situations that are not your fault, but require you to be cover for someone. For example, at a wedding I did on a beach in Mexico, there was a part in the ceremony where the couple and attendees were to be given a glass of champagne for a toast near the end. The people in charge of getting the drinks out to everyone was a little lacking in their preparedness and when the time came to pass out the glasses, they had not even opened the bottles yet. Hence, I had to stall. This is where the ocean, and sun, and coconuts, and stick, and anything else lying around that I could see were used as objects of reflection and blessing toward the happy couple. And you know what? No one noticed.
Now that I’ve brought up the wedding in Mexico … sometimes you have to lie in order to make a wedding happen the way the couple wants it too. Meaning, I had not authority in Mexico to perform a wedding, but my friends wanted a ceremony on a white sand beach, they not only deserved a wedding on a white sand beach, they were going to get a wedding on a white sand beach. It was a beautiful amazing wedding where they wanted, how they wanted, and when it came time to filling out the paper work, turns out they “officially” (wink, wink) got married in my back yard in Utah, on the exact same day we were all in Mexico together. Thus is the magic of matrimony.- Never guess on titles, especially on how the bride is choosing her name. The last thing you want is to finish your ceremony by announcing the couple as Mr. and Mrs. James Brown (or whatever the groom’s name is) and have the bride, who as it turns out is a devout feminist set on equality, bring the entire ceremony to a screeching halt by saying, “Excuse me!?!!” while giving you the evil eye.
- When telling others about performing wedding, it is best to express that you are performing the ceremony and not marrying someone. The amount of confusion and odd looks you get from others is astounding. For example, telling someone “I am marrying my brother next weekend in Arizona.” brings up an entire set of different mental images about you and marriage laws in Arizona than if I were to say, “I am performing ceremony the wedding for my brother in Arizona next weekend.” The only real confusion that might occur in that second statement is that someone might think that both my brother and I perform weddings and that we was supposed to perform one in Arizona and can’t so I am covering for him.
- Do not abuse your power to control the actions of others during the ceremony, namely the kiss. The couple is waiting for you to give the green light to smooch town and surprisingly they will wait longer than you would expect to get the go ahead from the presiding reverend. Stay focused until they couple exits they ceremony area.
Oh yeah, your job is not done until the couple has signed the certificate. Say want about ceremonies and where they take place, in the US all of that is fluff, because you are not married according to the government, until you sign that piece of paper given to you by the state that you are married. Which also brings up and important point, if you get suckered in to performing a wedding for a coworker’s sibling of that you don’t know at all. Get wedding paper signed and get the hell out of there as soon as you can, because being the reverend at a wedding for people you don’t know really kind of sucks, and you don’t want to get stuck at a strangers wedding.
One last thing, creating a wedding ceremony for someone you know well and hold dear in your heart is truly one of the best experiences. The ceremony gets to come from you and is a gift you get to give to them. If you get the opportunity, take it, because when you love the people you are performing the ceremony for, it hold more meaning, emotion, appreciation and power than any ceremony some stranger or vague family acquaintance will ever be able to create and perform for the happy couple.
Also, if there is an ex involved and they contact your with suggestions, smile and nod. Say, “Thank you for that suggestion.” You can even take notes if you want. Just remember that when you get home, burn every note you took and reject every single suggestion they gave … even if it didn’t seem like that bad of an idea … because it was. The end. Don’t even try to second guess it. Just walk away and don’t look back.
Image Sources:
Google Images, keywords: wedding officiant, wedding procession, la la la I can’t hear you, be prepared, telling a fib, signing wedding certificate, and wedding group hug.
© Richard Timothy 2011
by Richard Timothy | Aug 26, 2011 | Holiday Banter, I Think There's a Point, Non-Fiction, Observationally Speaking
I had almost finished this week’s Smirk about some of the differences I’ve noticed between men and women when watching television. I only had a few thoughts and one tangent left to finish up and this week’s Smirk would have been all done are ready for you to enjoy. But no! Instead I had to go to Costco on my way to work today for the sake of picking up a treat for everyone at work in celebration of those who have had a birthday this month, and it was there that today’s Smirk caught my eye.
Since I have not experienced a Costco in any other place but Utah, let me just start out by stating the obvious, Costco in Utah is scary. Don’t get me wrong, it’s delightful as well, but it’s still scary. It is the only store I’ve seen where the parking lot begins to fill up before it opens and people have their carts at the ready, waiting for the doors to open on any given morning. How do I know this? Because I have been one of those people.
Don’t worry I don’t have a Costco-obsessive personality. It’s just that occasionally I’ll go there to get treats for the birthday treat day for work. Instead of going right to work I go directly to Costco and wait for them to open so that I can get the goodies. Then once I get to work, I pass out the treats, getting everyone all jacked up on sugar and remind them to be professional when they are on the phone with the customer. It reminds me when parents who give their kids a basket of chocolate on Easter and let them consume as much of it as they can before going to church and then demand that they child behave.
Everything was going fine when I walked into the store. I kept to the outside perimeter and made my way back to the baked goods. After I loaded up my cart with five dozen mega-sized-you-could-make-an-entire-meal-out-of-one-of-just-one-of-these muffins, I made my way through the innards of the store toward the checkout lines. It was during this journey back that my appreciation for Costco plummeted to an all-time low. There, filling up one of the middle isles, was a collection of decorations … for Christmas! They were already starting to capitalize on Christmas during the second to last week of August! AUGUST! Seriously, what the hell Costco?
I understand getting the store all ready for the holidays at the beginning of November. I’ll even let it slide when people dress up in ugly Christmas sweaters (as if there was another kind), put on a Santa costume or a Christmas tree outfit and got trick-or-treating for Halloween. But when you start selling Christmas decorations a isle away from the “Back to School” supplies the same week that kids go back to school … you’ve got a problem.
I suppose I could always make up a false conspiracy theory about this situation … ahem … According to my sources the Catholic Church has recently become the majority shareholder for Costco. The motivation for this is because the Church has always been a little annoyed that their attempts to cover up Halloween with some made up religious equivalent thus getting credit for the holiday instead of the Pagans failed repeatedly. By becoming the majority shareholder in a variety of department stores they can begin exploiting Christmas four months early, which reduces the space available for Halloween related items, thus slowly pushing Halloween out of the public eye, causing it to lose some of its power over the masses. Over time the Church will once again attempt to Christianize the holiday currently known as Halloween, thus achieving the only item on the “To do” list of their original manifesto that has not yet been checked off. The first Pope to accomplish this will receive the coveted “Halloweenus Overus” ring that and yet to be worn by any member of the faith since its initial creation in 609 A.D.
Hey, as far as conspiracy theories go, I’ve have definitely made up worse, and heard a lot crazier.
At least they were not playing holiday music. Had that happened I would most likely have spent the day at home, hiding in the fetal position under a blanket my mom make for me when I was a kid, while softly crying and humming the “The Great Song of Indifference” by Bob Geldof in hopes that it would bring me out of my pre-preholiday funk. Instead we all get this, today’s Smirk. So, I guess … thanks Costco? No, that still doesn’t feel right. It’s still a little too soon.
So am I off base here, or do you think August is a little early to start stocking the shelves with Christmas décor?
Image Sources:
Google Images, keywords: no Christmas tree, Costco parking, ugly Christmas sweater, and bad carolers.
© Richard Timothy 2011
by Richard Timothy | Aug 16, 2011 | I Think There's a Point, My List of Things that Don't Suck, Observationally Speaking
It was my last Smirk that got me thinking about words and how easily a definition could change simply by looking at the way the word was made up. This got me looking at other words, words that have changed over the years. I don’t mean the definition has changed all that much, it’s just managed to acquire an addendum, but the outfit has certainly devolved in that process.
If I were to ask you what a pirate looked like you’d more than likely be able to point one out in a group … or would you? Sure a few hundred years ago pirates were the scourge of the seas, renowned and feared because of their affinity for murdering, looting, plundering, arson, hijacking, public intoxication, an unapologetic potty mouth, among other anti-gentlemanly activities. They exhibited the same kind of maritime behavior that made early Vikings famous for being the bad asses of the seas.
In searching to find examples of what pirates actually looked like, I managed to find a virtual copy of The Buccaneers of America (printed in 1678), thanks to The Library of Congress, which had a number of images of pirates from that era. I used these as my reference for what pirates use to look like. Even though none of the images depicted a pirated in a version of the iconic Seinfeld pirate shirt, there was enough suggestion in the images that pirates certainly had their own outfits, which moves me to suggest that the outfit of a pirate was distinct enough that people certainly knew a pirate when they saw one. I’m sure it was a look that took a little time to find and that everyone in the pirate fashion industry could agree on, but once it all came together it was obvious who was a pirate and who was not.
Pirates once carried with them only the image of Depp’s Captain Jack Sparrow, only meaner and a bit more of a tyrannical personality. It is true that that type of pirate still exists; take to those lads in Somalia (who actually do not consider themselves pirates) or similar types. No I’m referring to the addendum to the word pirate, which has come about in the last few decades. Today, the word carries with it the image of some 13 year-old that looks like Screech from Saved by the Bell, who spends most of his free time at his computer illegally pirating music and movies using some file sharing program like Napster, Bittorrent, Limeware, Kazaa or Bearshare. It’s a little depressing when you think about how the image of a pirate has changed in the last century.
To give a little clearer picture of what I mean, here’s a short comparison between two.
- Original pirates: Weapon of choice, a cutlass and a flintlock pistols.
- Present day pirates: Weapon of choice, a computer with internet access and an iPod or some other media watching/listening device.
- Winner: Original pirates.
- Original pirates: Sidekicks, an animal of some kind like a monkey or a parrot.
- Present day pirates: Sidekicks, something that enhances their ability to pirate something at a moment’s notice, like a memory stick or USB key for quick and easy access to friends electronically formatted music libraries.
- Winner: Original pirates.
- Original pirates: Wore silly hats, but made them look cool (example: a tricorne).
- Present day pirates: Wear normal hats, and make them look silly (example: a baseball cap worn backwards).
- Winner: Original pirates.
- Original pirates: Beverage of choice, a bottle of rum.
- Present day pirates: Beverage of choice, a bottle of water.
- Winner: Original pirates.
- Original pirates: Wore long sleeve puffy ruffled shirts that look ridiculous in when worn with a pair of jeans, but somehow worked with baggy pants and knee high boots.
- Present day pirates: Wear tee shirts that have entertaining graphics and/or sayings on them that look ridiculous in when worn with baggy pants and knee high boots, but somehow worked with a pair of jeans. (Even though original pirates in their full outfit looked a lot cooler, present day pirates are a lot more comfortable.)
- Winner: I think this one will have to go down as a tie depending on what result you are after.
- Original pirates: Had names like Blackbeard, Calico Jack, and Barbarossa.
- Present day pirates: Have names like Shawn Fanning, Brianna LaHara, and Jammie Thomas-Rassett.
- Winner: Original pirates.
- Original pirates: Gave us words like booty and hornswaggle, not to mention their affinity for pronouncing long Rs every chance they got.
- Present day pirates: Gave us words like rip and burn as an act for copying something. Plus, they have not carried on the tradition of using the long R sound in all of their every day speech.
- Winner: Original pirates.
And that ends this little comparison with original pirates 7, present day pirates 1. It is important to point out that present day pirates are a much nicer breed of people than original pirates. They don’t they don’t kill people, unless they are in 100% virtual and found in some computer game they’ve pirated. They don’t trespass onto property that is not theirs and take things that aren’t theirs. They don’t hoard all of their pirated loot, instead they open it up to anyone that would like to download some of their pirated goods … they are very big into sharing actually.
I guess it breaks down to this, even though original pirates looked a lot cooler and were much more bad ass than present day pirates, I really do prefer the present day ones, they are a lot better people and they shower regularly. Perhaps someday we’ll come up with a cross breed pirates, once that looks cool, but doesn’t go around violating other human rights, you know like a present day pirate dressing up as an original pirate for Halloween, or a Flying Spaghetti Monster convention. You never know.
What are your thoughts on the two pirate types?
Image Sources:
Google Images, keywords: Blackbeard, Screech, pirate with parrot, rum bottle, water bottle, pirate treasure, and pirate with iPod.
© Richard Timothy 2011
by Richard Timothy | Jul 29, 2011 | Acting my Age, I Think There's a Point, Non-Fiction, Observationally Speaking
As a commuter I spend a lot of time in my car, at least an hour a day, which for commuting really isn’t that bad at all when compared to some people I know. This preferred method of getting myself to work and from each day has allowed me to observe an awful lot of driving, and a lot of awful driving. One of the most memorable acts or unrelenting stupidity I was the witness to was a driver who decided to get onto the freeway while at a stop light and being three lanes away from the freeway entrance turning lane.
The set up looked like this, there were two turning lanes full of traffic, then three lanes of regular traffic. We were all under the guidance of the sane driving practice that once the light turned green we would all be staying in our lane and driving forward. I was even the first car in the second lane of forward moving traffic, so I was sure to be extra attentive so that I started off right as the light turned so as to not piss off any of the people waiting for their turn to go. Some people get very touchy when people to not begin moving the second the light changes color.
The turning lane lights were the first to go from red to green. Per standard practice, we all waited patiently for the lights ahead of us to give us the friendly green go ahead. Well, as the lights changed from green to yellow, the person to my right, the furthest lane from the turning lanes decided it was their turn to go and takes off, cutting across all three lanes and into the turning lane just as the forward traffic lights changed from red to green. I think everyone was so dumbfounded by the level of stupidity they had just witnessed that everyone forgot to honk their horns in disapproving unity.
Crazy drivers, however, are not what I want to Smirk about today. I was thinking about this the other night, about the ways we thank others for being chivalrous when sharing the road. And the most common act of automotive chivalry is that of letting someone merge into traffic ahead of you when the roads are packed.
We all know how it goes, you are heading home from some event, be it work, or a sporting event, or a concert, etc. and you are struck with the sudden urge to consume a pretend milkshake. You pull out of traffic make your way through the drive-thru of some fast food place, which is right on the main road. You are now stuck with the predicament of how to get out of the drive-thru and back into traffic. Eventually someone will notice your predicament and in an act of automotive chivalry will slow down and offer to let you in front of them.
You wave to this person vigorously to show your intense gratitude and for a split second consider writing down their license plate so that you can look them up on the DMV website to find their address so you can send them a thank you note. Then you realize how creepy that sounds and do your best to pretend that you have never ever thought of doing that, ever … and I never have.
Now in my youth, the problem I had at this point is that I wanted to show my gratitude to this kind person for letting me in. The only thing I could come up with was an intense urge to go as fast as I could in an attempt to prove to the stranger that they would not regret letting me in front of them. On one occasion I remember thinking to myself, “Don’t you worry little silver sports car man, I won’t let you down!” and I didn’t. Thankfully I didn’t get pulled over for speeding either.
As I’ve gotten older what I’ve come realize is that most aged folk don’t care if you drive fast after we let you in front of us. Usually we do it to be polite and as a way of apologizing to everyone who has ever been on the road with you when you were a youthful driver. However if you happen to be a young driver (say 16 to 29), the real reason we let you in front of us is because we know you will speed away from use as a way to say thank you and you getting as far away from our car as fast as possible is one of the kindest things you can do. The fact is, we don’t trust you and feel much safer having you in front of us speeding away from us instead of being behind us speeding toward us. So on behalf of all of us, you’re welcome … and slow down, you could hurt somebody.
Image Sources:
Google Maps and Google Images, keywords: commute and waving from car.
© Richard Timothy 2011
by Richard Timothy | Jul 13, 2011 | I Think There's a Point, Non-Fiction, Observationally Speaking, Public Service Announcement
I learned something about my brother Mike this past week, something that quite frankly surprised me. I’d even go so far as to say it’s something that escalates my opinion of him from just being my brother, to being a hero … and I think some of you are going to agree. Before jumping into the why, I thought this Smirk could use a little clarifier as to how I am choosing to define the word hero and how that definition pertains to Mike.
For many people, being a hero is a person that shows courage, or is admired for their brave deeds. I know that in the US there is an almost instant juxtaposition to this word and people who serve in a field where they could end up in harm’s way to help others, professions like the police, military, firefighters, etc. In this Smirk I am looking at my brother as a hero for being a person who, in my opinion, has performed a heroic act.
For anyone who has ever found themselves in true relationship there are some conversations that are inevitable. If you have no idea what these conversations are, there are three possible reasons for this, 1) you are not in a true relationship (I’m talking to you high school and middle school kids … and frat boys), 2) you are in a true relationship that has not evolved to the point that you have yet experienced these conversations, or 3) you are no longer in a relationship because you repeatedly failed to have these conversations or they did come up not you rejected them and in the end clearly exposed yourself as someone that others prefer not to be in a relationship with.
The thing is some of these conversations seem immensely pointless, but for some reason they are essential for any relationship. One of these conversations consists of the infamous “decorative/throw pillows” conversation. This is usually instigated when the masculine personality in the relationship asks why their house if filled with pillows they are not allowed to use. The feminine personality takes the opposing view and attempts to explain that they are decorative pillows, as in a decoration. Hence, that is their function and therefore they are needed and useful. I’ve actually dedicated an entire Smirk to this topic.
The point being that these conversations exist and do happen every time two people get together and have a go at that thing called a relationship. There is one conversation that is usually discussed with such fervor and gusto that all men know about it and fear it. Waiting for it to inevitably arise and stick around until they succumb to the demands of their feminine counterpart. The topic is … the great “toilet seat down” rule debate.
The debate traditionally consists of the person in the relationship without the male naughty bits strongly suggesting that the one with the male naughty bits be responsible for all toilet seat interaction, specifically the lifting and lowering of the seat so that is it always ready to support those in need of a sit down. Now since the one without the male naughty bits has spent their entire life not having to deal with the raising and lowing of the toilet seat, due to always sitting to do their business, there is a sense of entitlement. To them it only makes sense that their lack of toilet seat handing not change. To add support to their view on the matter they also claim that since men have spent their life raising and lowering the toilet seat then they should already be conditioned to this practice.
When men are first introduced to this line of discussion, we get confused. The key flaw in this train of thought is men are not trained to not raise and lower the toilet seat. I mean we do when the need arises, but when we lift it, it stays up until our need requires it to be put down, to which it stays down. Since men usually require the seat to be up when we go to the restroom that means it spends a lot more time in the up position than the down position.
In my experience, the first time I had this conversation was a little different than the traditional method of a being in a romantic relationship. I had moved into a place with five female roommates and I believe the very first time I left the toilet seat up after moving in I was confronted by all five roommates and kindly threatened that if I failed again to leave the toilet seat down after I had finished my business then I would be tarred and feathered in my sleep … with graham crackers and chocolate syrup. I didn’t leave that seat up again the entire time I lived in that house. Also, by the time I got into a real relationship I was already in the practice so it wasn’t a big debate filled compromise. So, I guess, thank you to those five roommates? (Still not sure I’m ready to move that from a question to a statement just yet.)
I do need to point out that in the event your male counterpart forgets to put the seat down after they finish their business please don’t start in on them about it. It happens, we do forget sometimes. We never get thanked for all the times we leave it down, but the second it slips our mind and we accidentally leave it up once out of a thousand times, we get instantly reminded and/or lectured about it. We don’t appreciate getting in trouble for this especially when it rarely happens. By letting this slide and simply putting the seat down on the random occasion when it happens, it will strengthen your relationship.
Also, from a feminist perspective I would like to point out that the “toilet seat down” rule is completely anti-feminist. Feminism is about equality, and then you require that the male counterpart in the relationship always put the toilet seat down, this is a request for special treatment and removes the fundamental belief in being treated equal … I’m just saying.
Still, the “toilet seat down” rule is something that all men have experienced and agreed to follow … that is until my brother Mike mentioned in passing conversation that he doesn’t have that rule. I just started at him in disbelief. The other guys around him were equally flabbergasted. The first one to reply to his comment struggled a bit trying to get clarity about what Mike had said, “Wha … you … you don’t have … how is that even possible?”
Mike just smiled as we looked at him with the same awe and admiration as when we watched Indiana Jones for the first time on the big screen discover the lost ark. I had a few questions of my own for Mike. Things like, “Who are you?”, “What have you done with my brother?”, “Why haven’t you gotten any endorsement for this?”, and “What is your secret oh great and powerful Oz?”
“I just said we should both be responsible for looking to make sure it’s down before we sit, making it an equal thing for both of us. She tried to say that if the seat gets left up and in the middle of the night she gets up to use the restroom and falls in because the seat is down then it is my fault. I told her it is her fault for not looking, just as it would be my fault for not looking if I fall in in the middle of the night. I only seemed right that we are accountable for ourselves.”
We all had the same response, saying it in unison, “And that worked?”
For him it did. He make the “toilet seat down” rule about personal accountability, and that is why I have escalated Mike from the status of brother to the shared status of “my brother, the hero.” I think any guy that learns about his Yoda-like handling of the “toilet seat down” rule debate would agree.
Before ending this Smirk I do feel it’s important to point out that I am not recommending that all men currently following this rule go and revisit the debate. No good will come of this. If the action is second nature now and something you do automatically, do not, I repeat do not mess with the rule. However, if you have not yet found yourself in this discussion, you are now a little more prepared for when it does finally come up. And remember, don’t thank me, thank Mike.
Image Sources:
Google Images, keywords: hero, toilet seat, I forgot, and Indiana Jones.
© Richard Timothy 2011
As all three of us are in the kitchen, maneuvering around each other, putting away the groceries and Rochelle manages to say something that inspires Angela to begin doing a little dance while singing out, “I’m Rochelle. I’m Rochelle.” 
Note: It is important to point at that the power of this threat does not work on kids up to the age of 12 and adults who have had a few more than too many, apparently adolescents and inebriation both seem to carry with it the characteristic of lessened inhibitions when there is a camera present ready to record your every word and action. It’s as if one’s inner “Born to be a star” personality takes over and all you have to do is sit back and enjoy the show. 
