by Richard Timothy | Oct 5, 2011 | I Do Suggest, I Think There's a Point, My Cutie Baby Sweetie Pie, Non-Fiction, Observationally Speaking
Today’s Smirk is brought to you thanks to my sweetie-baby-cutie-pie-wifey-pooh and her younger sister Rochie-butt. I’m not sure why by for some reason terms of endearment for my wife’s family always includes making sure the name of endearment ends with something related to or connected with the derriere region of the human physique.
So here’s what happened … Rochelle, aka Rochie-butt, was visiting for a few days. Now I don’t know about you, but when I get together with my family let’s just say there is an element of goofiness that comes out, gets passed around and is enjoyed by all. Angela’s family shares this same quality, and when she and Rochelle spent a little too much time together (usually twenty minutes or longer) their motivation to break into song, do silly walks or dances, make sound effect noises, or … well you get the point, these types of actions come to the forefront of their personalities.
When these two get in this type of mood two things happen, first, I openly and loudly exclaim how eerie it is at how similar those two are, and second, I attempt to join in starting off by using Star Wars sound effects or sharing my best “Hulk smash!” impression replacing Hulk’s name with someone else in the room. Hey, when a case of the giggles starts there are no dumb additions to keep the fit going. I won’t say that in looking back there has never been the need to offer a formal written apology to someone, but now that I’m out of my twenties, it rarely, and I mean rarely, happens.
So back to Angela and Rochelle, I hear them walk into the house and it is clear that the giggles have already started, I head down to help bring in some groceries and if at all possible get Angela to do her Chewbacca yell, which she will only do when she is in the type of mood. It’s not that her Chewbacca yell is all that authentic, but it always makes me laugh.
As all three of us are in the kitchen, maneuvering around each other, putting away the groceries and Rochelle manages to say something that inspires Angela to begin doing a little dance while singing out, “I’m Rochelle. I’m Rochelle.”
Rochelle makes it clear that she is about to hit the “no more giggles” wall. This is the point in a community shared bout of laughter that someone essentially sobers up in an instance and everything that was previously hysterical is now dumb and not funny in the least. It’s kind of like driving 80 on the freeway and then putting the car in reverse and stomping on the gas. This bipolar action from everything is funny to nothing is funny takes about .0025% of a second, confusing everyone in the room who is still enjoying the warm fuzzy feeling of group laughter.
Rochelle, still half laughing, warns Angela to “Quit it or I’ll get out my secret weapon!” as Angela continues with her song and dance number. Rochelle then hits the wall and the warning to “quit it” stops and her “secret weapon”, or implement of stopping the family insanity, comes out of her purse as she states, “Fine, you asked for it.”
In her hand is her smart phone and tapping away on her touch screen to pulling up its video record function. Once it is ready to go (this take about five seconds tops), her finger hovering over the record button, she gives her final warning, “Go ahead. Keep it up. I’ll put that shit on Facebook.”
Not only did Angela stop her Rochelle themed song and dance, but the same second Rochelle finished her final warning, Angela simultaneously jumped and hid behind me to hide from the camera. Then, peeking over my shoulder with the phone at the ready she squeaked a defeated, “No.” (As is no she would not be put on Facebook doing her musical Rochelle impression.)
I was amazed at how effective and efficient Rochelle’s threat was. I’ve never seen anything work quite that proficiently, and it got me thinking about the benefits of converting to a smart phone for crowd control purposes at Thanksgiving and Christmas.
Note: It is important to point at that the power of this threat does not work on kids up to the age of 12 and adults who have had a few more than too many, apparently adolescents and inebriation both seem to carry with it the characteristic of lessened inhibitions when there is a camera present ready to record your every word and action. It’s as if one’s inner “Born to be a star” personality takes over and all you have to do is sit back and enjoy the show.
And, in the case with the drunken adult, it’s a pretty good way to encourage them to pay for all your drinks the next time you go out as payment for letting them delete the only existing copy of the video you made of them off your phone.
The laughter started again about twenty minutes later with no repeat threat of “putting that shit on Facebook” regardless the song and dance number either of them was doing. It didn’t matter though, the rest of the night I replayed the initial event over and over again, smirking every time I got to the point where the threat was made and my sweetie-baby-cutie-pie-wifey-pooh jumped behind me in an act of defeat before the record button could ever be pressed. Ah, the power of technology and its assistance in controlling the amount of goofiness one’s family is willing to dish out at any given time … just brilliant, and a Smirk, I feel, well worth the sharing.
Image Sources:
Google Images, keywords: sisters laughing, arrested development chicken, taking photo on phone, and drunk photo.
© Richard Timothy 2011
by Richard Timothy | Sep 19, 2011 | I Do Suggest, I Think There's a Point, My List of Things that Don't Suck, Non-Fiction, Observationally Speaking
Last weekend (not the past one, but the one before that) I had the honor of performing the wedding of my oldest brother. The wedding went off without a hitch … although if you think about it, isn’t the whole point of a marriage, to get hitched? With this wedding being the fourth wedding I have performed, I thought for this week’s Smirk I’d take a look as some of the things I’ve learned over the past few weddings.
When my first wedding came up, let’s just say that I was very happy I had been in a wedding prior to it or things may have turned out a little lacking in flow. When I showed up I was planning on simply walking the couple through the ceremony on how it was going to work and showing them the logistics for how a sand ceremony works. As it turned out, the couple wanted their parents and a child from a previous relationship added to the ceremony, so I knew I’d have a few people to direct.
It was when I arrived and walked into the space where the wedding was going to take place and the groom asked, “So what do we do?” that I realized they were going to need a little more direction than just were to stand and the queues they need to wait for before they performed their task in the ceremony… and some reason when you walk into a wedding rehearsal a day (or hours) before the official ceremony, and chaos of people find out you are “the reverend”, pretty much anything you say after that becomes the official law for how things are done for the wedding.
I got to put together the precession for who would be walking down the aisle and in what order. I got to choose the sides that the brides and groom’s family were to sit on, and had them practice the march a few times so that the timing and spacing would work out instead of having everyone shuffle in like a train trying for its quickest time for passenger arrival. The couple did have the wedding march songs picked out, which was helpful, but unfortunately they were not sure when they needed to play those songs.
Here are few things to keep in mind if you every find yourself choosing to become a reverend so you can perform a wedding for a friend or family member.
Just because you are a reverend does not mean that people get to confess things to you. For some reason when people hear you hold some sort of title that they associate a kind of authority you hear a fair share of stories from people you know (or don’t know) about things they did that you a) never ever wanted to know, or b) just don’t care about. You really can break someone off in the middle of their confession about accidentally killing their little sister’s pet hamster by putting it in that plastic running ball and letting it make a mad dash down the stairs. I mean you could, but I didn’t want to risk it and have them show up later with a therapy bill they expected me to pay for rejecting their confession half way through.- Know the preferred language of the couple getting married, the language of their beliefs I mean. If the couple does not believe in god(s) you really don’t want to use Heavenly Father, Shiva, Yahweh, Buddha, The Flying Spaghetti Monster, Elohim, Zeus, The Holy Ghost, etc. to bless the couple. Likewise, if they do believe in a god(s) make sure you use the right one(s).
- Your power to bless the couple is endless. No really, it is. You can use anything and everything to bless them with. I’ve used sand, spices, energy, the sun, coconuts, the ocean, a stick. As long as the blessing holds a positive connotation to the couple and union taking place, it’s all good.
This brings me when overseeing a wedding ceremony always remember the Boy Scout motto and “be prepared!” This included being prepared for situations that are not your fault, but require you to be cover for someone. For example, at a wedding I did on a beach in Mexico, there was a part in the ceremony where the couple and attendees were to be given a glass of champagne for a toast near the end. The people in charge of getting the drinks out to everyone was a little lacking in their preparedness and when the time came to pass out the glasses, they had not even opened the bottles yet. Hence, I had to stall. This is where the ocean, and sun, and coconuts, and stick, and anything else lying around that I could see were used as objects of reflection and blessing toward the happy couple. And you know what? No one noticed.
Now that I’ve brought up the wedding in Mexico … sometimes you have to lie in order to make a wedding happen the way the couple wants it too. Meaning, I had not authority in Mexico to perform a wedding, but my friends wanted a ceremony on a white sand beach, they not only deserved a wedding on a white sand beach, they were going to get a wedding on a white sand beach. It was a beautiful amazing wedding where they wanted, how they wanted, and when it came time to filling out the paper work, turns out they “officially” (wink, wink) got married in my back yard in Utah, on the exact same day we were all in Mexico together. Thus is the magic of matrimony.- Never guess on titles, especially on how the bride is choosing her name. The last thing you want is to finish your ceremony by announcing the couple as Mr. and Mrs. James Brown (or whatever the groom’s name is) and have the bride, who as it turns out is a devout feminist set on equality, bring the entire ceremony to a screeching halt by saying, “Excuse me!?!!” while giving you the evil eye.
- When telling others about performing wedding, it is best to express that you are performing the ceremony and not marrying someone. The amount of confusion and odd looks you get from others is astounding. For example, telling someone “I am marrying my brother next weekend in Arizona.” brings up an entire set of different mental images about you and marriage laws in Arizona than if I were to say, “I am performing ceremony the wedding for my brother in Arizona next weekend.” The only real confusion that might occur in that second statement is that someone might think that both my brother and I perform weddings and that we was supposed to perform one in Arizona and can’t so I am covering for him.
- Do not abuse your power to control the actions of others during the ceremony, namely the kiss. The couple is waiting for you to give the green light to smooch town and surprisingly they will wait longer than you would expect to get the go ahead from the presiding reverend. Stay focused until they couple exits they ceremony area.
Oh yeah, your job is not done until the couple has signed the certificate. Say want about ceremonies and where they take place, in the US all of that is fluff, because you are not married according to the government, until you sign that piece of paper given to you by the state that you are married. Which also brings up and important point, if you get suckered in to performing a wedding for a coworker’s sibling of that you don’t know at all. Get wedding paper signed and get the hell out of there as soon as you can, because being the reverend at a wedding for people you don’t know really kind of sucks, and you don’t want to get stuck at a strangers wedding.
One last thing, creating a wedding ceremony for someone you know well and hold dear in your heart is truly one of the best experiences. The ceremony gets to come from you and is a gift you get to give to them. If you get the opportunity, take it, because when you love the people you are performing the ceremony for, it hold more meaning, emotion, appreciation and power than any ceremony some stranger or vague family acquaintance will ever be able to create and perform for the happy couple.
Also, if there is an ex involved and they contact your with suggestions, smile and nod. Say, “Thank you for that suggestion.” You can even take notes if you want. Just remember that when you get home, burn every note you took and reject every single suggestion they gave … even if it didn’t seem like that bad of an idea … because it was. The end. Don’t even try to second guess it. Just walk away and don’t look back.
Image Sources:
Google Images, keywords: wedding officiant, wedding procession, la la la I can’t hear you, be prepared, telling a fib, signing wedding certificate, and wedding group hug.
© Richard Timothy 2011
by Richard Timothy | Sep 8, 2011 | Gratefully Grateful, My Cutie Baby Sweetie Pie, Non-Fiction, Observationally Speaking
This weekend brings about a delightful, memorable, and highly anticipated addition to my life as Reverend Rich (click here in the event you missed my Smirk about being a reverend). I get to perform the wedding ceremony for my oldest brother this Saturday. In preparing for this ceremony, it did get me a bit nostalgic for my own wedding almost four years ago … this in turn got me thinking about two of my favorite people, who gave Angela and I one of the most memorable wedding gifts of all time … a treasure hunt in Italy.
For clarities sake we were already heading to Italy for the honeymoon, it’s not like they surprised us with tickets there or anything. We had visited Italy a few years back and had fallen in love with the place. As a result we planned a two week visit for our honeymoon. One week some place new (Tuscany), and a week in a place we had fallen in love with the first time we went (Cinque Terre). It was our love for Cinque Terre that motivated our friends, Mike and Kathy, to visit there when they planned their trip to Italy. They returned from their trip about a week or so before our wedding.
So when they showed up on “the big day” carrying a little paper-made treasure chest that placed on the gift table, curiosity ensued. As friends and family started to gather for the reception and Angela and I found ourselves with a few free moments, Mike and Kathy brought their gift to us, insisting we open it right away and reminding us the rest of the evening that we make sure we take the contents of the chest with us to Italy.
Inside the treasure chest was a booty (treasure for you non-pirate speakers) of plastic imitation bullion, and several pages folded together. It was the paper that we needed to make sure we took with us. As I unfolded the paper there before me was a treasure map! Drawn out on papyrus looking copy paper with candle singed edged to add to its authenticity. Along with the map was a collection of printed out visual identifiers to ensure we did not get lost following the map. Then they shared the following story.
While they were in Cinque Terre they got something for us, and then with camera in hand went on a little walk. Cinque Terre is a national park that included five small fishing villages. Between the last two towns Manarola and Riomaggiore is a famous walking trail called Via dell’Amore, or “Love’s Trail”, and it was along this trail that they decided to burry our treasure. They found a side trail that had a lot less traffic and hiked away from the flow of tourists toward an isolated picnic area. Once there they found a stick and as one played lookout, the other began to dig. Once the hole was big and deep enough they placed the in treasure and covered it with dirt. Then they placed a stone square slab over the top of it so no one could tell the ground underneath had been disturbed, and scratched an X into the slabs surface, adding some dirt and dry foliage as a finishing touch to detour any interest toward the slab.
Now when you are using sticks to dig holes in the countryside along the coast of Italy during the early part of September there is a certain physical alteration that occurs. Things like an excess of perspiration, which can alter ones hair from styled to frizzy and unkempt. Also, ones face can become flushed and changes its hue to bright red. All of these things happened to Mike and Kathy and as they walked down the side trail towards the main trail some tourists who had witnessed them head up the path noticed this change as well.
Seeing Mike and Kathy head up the trail and return ten/fifteen minutes later, all flustered, flushed, sweaty, and a little out of breath led the couple to believe that my friends had been up to something not at all related to burying hidden treasure. The man nudged the woman he was with, nodded toward Mike and Kathy, held up one hand, making the “okay” hand gesture, and then with the index finger of his other had proceeded to move it in and out of the “o” making the international hand sign for “getting it on”. The couple started laughing.
“All we could do was smile and wave, and walk hastily away,” Mike told us, adding, “I wouldn’t have minded if we had been doing what we were accused of. Still, I can see how they made the mistake.”
I took the map and stuck it in my pocket, and kept it with me the rest of the night and for the flight to Italy the next day. There was a buried treasure waiting for us in Italy, and I had no intention of letting that map out of my sight.
It wasn’t until our last week in Italy that we made it back to the beloved town of Manarola in Cinque Terre. Once we arrived and got settled it was too late to venture out treasure hunting. So the very next morning … we slept in, but after a late breakfast we filled my backpack with the necessities, two large bottles of water, one back of granola, one camera, one fully charged spare battery, out Guide to Italy book, and one treasure map.
Conveniently, Manarola was the starting point for the map. The first clue was the flight of stairs that we needed to ascend to get us on “Love’s Trail”.
Once on the path we followed it until we came to the next clue, a “Bar” pole along the path. (There was a little bar along the trail that allows hikers to get a drink, sit at a shaded table, look out over the ocean and enjoy the serenity of the place. This was also the place where the couple “caught” Mike and Kathy coming down the hidden treasure path.)
Just past the bar was the next clue, “Turn left off the Love’s Trail and ascend up toward the Green Point Pic-Nic Area.”
We followed this new side path until we can to the next clue on the map, “Stop at the first blue flag with yellow stars.”
Once there we followed the next instruction, “Turn left and head toward the first pic-nic area.”
There hidden in the back corner of this area was a stone square slab that had and X scratched into the top of it. So I grabbed a stick, picked up the slab, and began to dig.
An inch or so down I hit something that wasn’t dirt. It was the rustling sound of rocks on plastic.
I shook off all the dirt and debris and opened the decaying bag.
Eureka! We found the hidden treasure chest! Granted it was a Barbie doll sized treasure chest, but a treasure chest all the same.
Inside the chest was our booty of European bullion!, which translates into a bunch of one Euro coins and a note instructing us to continue to the end of “Love’s Trail” to a quaint little café with good wine and a beautiful view of the ocean.
We continued our walk to Riomaggiore under mountain side walkways,
next to rocky cliffs and serene blue waters,
and finally arriving at the establishment that our booty was intended for the Viz Della Amore.
Even though it had been about two weeks of amazing Italian wine, I had no intention on detouring from that splendor. Angela, however, does have a soft spot for margaritas and when she saw it available on the drink menu, she could not resist the allure of enjoying a margarita in Italy.
And thus our treasure hunting in Italy came to an end, filling us with love, joy, good food, great wine, one extra strong margarita and a toast to our dear, dear friends who took the time to bury a treasure in Italy and then they gave us the map to for our wedding.
Even though the box full of coins and the lunch they purchased are long gone, the true treasure was the experience that these friends gave us. Treasure hunting in Italy is always there with us whenever we think of Cinque Terre, any time we talk about visiting Italy again, and every time we thing of our amazing honeymoon starting our life together a husband and wife. So it is with this Smirk that I wanted to thank you, Mike and Kathy, for your gift and the lifelong treasure that it, and you, shall always be to us.
Image Sources: Photos from my honeymoon and …
Google Images, keywords: treasure map and doing it hand sign.
© Richard Timothy 2011
by Richard Timothy | Aug 30, 2011 | My Cutie Baby Sweetie Pie, Non-Fiction, Observationally Speaking
It’s a fact, men and women watch television differently … at least it’s a fact at my home. This Smirk is a collection of observations about the differences I’ve noticed when watching television with my sweetie-baby-cutie-pie-wifey-pooh. Clearly this is going to be mostly one sided, but I do think there are cases that most can relate to.
When it comes to watching television with your significant other there are a number of classifications for shows. The first one is the “yay us!” joint appreciation show. These are shows that both of you watch together and thoroughly enjoy. For us this includes/included shows like: Arrested Development, Castle, and Pushing Daisies.
Then there are the “thanks for introducing this to me” shows. These are shows that one party discovers and shares with the other party and soon it becomes as weekly delight that both parties enjoy together. For us this includes/included shows like: Modern Family, 30 Rock, Numb3rs, Battlestar Galactica, and Monk.
Then there are the “putting-up-with-it-because-it-makes-you-happy-and-I-get-a-kick-out-of-hearing-you-laugh” shows. This field usually caters to me since Angela always has lots to do and she can work on her PC next to me on the couch, while I watch the show and giggle. This includes/included shows like: The Big Bang Theory, Better Off Ted, and Psych.
Of course there are the “hell no!” shows that one person loves profusely and the other will have absolutely nothing to do with, refusing to even be in the same room with their significant other when they are watching them. My shows that Angela will not watch with me include: MST3K, The IT Crowd, and Doctor Who. Angela’s shows that I will not watch with her include: The already mentioned Gray’s Anatomy, American Idol (or any similar reality type show), or anything with a wedding theme.
Now even though your list of show you watch and enjoy together is most likely differs from ours, I do believe the classifications hold true for any couple. However when it comes to noting the key differences in how men and women watch television there is a distinct difference between men and women, meaning that the differences in how men and women watch television are so clearly prevalent.
Attention to the Real in the Make-Believe
So last week Angela and I were catching up on an old series that we’ve just started watching, courtesy of Netflix, and in the span of one episode to the next, one of the main characters is suddenly being filmed differently. She spends more time in the office, and whenever she is in a scene she is behind her desk or is carrying something in front of her like her coat or a clipboard filled with paper. My first thought, which I am classifying as the typical make response to watching television, was that they just didn’t give her an active part in that week’s episode. Angela on the other hand, which I am classifying as the typical female response to watching television, became increasingly interested in the scenes this actress was in and by the end of the episode she proclaimed, with a high level of certainty, that the actress was pregnant in real life and show was trying to cover it up.
My reaction, “Oh … ok. Yeah, you’re probably right.” and I didn’t give it another thought with each subsequent episode. Angela, however, continued to watch each following episode with hawk-like intensity, and took great pleasure whenever there was a slip up in the angle which allowed the viewer to see her always covered stomach even for a second. She even had me rewind a scene and pause it at one of these spots so that she could gloat that they could fool her, and that the actress was clearly pregnant.
To be fair, men do this too, but the focus is a bit different, specifically … gun shots. Men are commonly obsessive about counting gunshots, and get incredibly testy the second a revolver fires its seventh shot without showing the person with the gun reloading it first. Nothing puts a man off a full blown gun fight than the blatant disregard for realistic attention to shots fired per shots available ratio.
Salon Day
When an actor/actress visits their hairdresser, it gets noticed, usually by the females first and then eventually (maybe), two episodes later, the man may notice that there is something a little different about characters appearance. The only time the appearance change is noticed the same time it is aired for the first time is when it is pointed out to them by their significant other, which is a result of one of the following statements 1) “Oh I like her new hair,” or 2) “Eww that is a horrible haircut.”
Lack of Character Appreciation
When a guy does not like a character on a show he is watching, he’ll express this sentiment the first time the person shows up in the episode and leaves it at that. If it is a reoccurring character it will be said every episode that that character appears in. When a woman does not like a character, a key flaw about that character’s appearance is noted and then it is pointed out repeatedly throughout the entire episode. For example if a character is deemed annoying for, say, having an overly nasally voice, you can bet that each time that person says a line that line will be repeated out loud by the annoyed female watcher, who will most likely make sure she plugs her nose so that she can echo the character in as nasally a voice as possible.
Sports
Since neither Angela nor I have an appreciation for watching sports I’m really not a reliable resource pointing out the differences in how they respond to watching them. As far as I’ve been able to make out it’s a win/win reason for guys to drink copious amounts of alcohol. This means that they get to drink while watching the game, and if their team wins they get to drink more after the game in celebration of the win. However, if their team loses they still get to drink more after the game to help them deal with their team losing. See, either way they get to keep drinking.
The one thing I can tell you about women watching sports is a result of watching soccer with Angela in Italy. It was on late at night while trying to get use to the new time zone, and I am basing this knowledge based on her viewing habits of these games. The woman will pick who they want to win by who has the better looking outfit (team jersey color), or if the team is named after an animal they have an affinity for.
So there you have it, some of the key differences to how men and women watch television. If you have any personal observations you’d care to share, I’d love to hear them.
Image Sources:
Google Images, keywords: couple watching tv, diane farr on numb3rs, woman plugged nose, and couple watching sports.
© Richard Timothy 2011
by Richard Timothy | Aug 26, 2011 | Holiday Banter, I Think There's a Point, Non-Fiction, Observationally Speaking
I had almost finished this week’s Smirk about some of the differences I’ve noticed between men and women when watching television. I only had a few thoughts and one tangent left to finish up and this week’s Smirk would have been all done are ready for you to enjoy. But no! Instead I had to go to Costco on my way to work today for the sake of picking up a treat for everyone at work in celebration of those who have had a birthday this month, and it was there that today’s Smirk caught my eye.
Since I have not experienced a Costco in any other place but Utah, let me just start out by stating the obvious, Costco in Utah is scary. Don’t get me wrong, it’s delightful as well, but it’s still scary. It is the only store I’ve seen where the parking lot begins to fill up before it opens and people have their carts at the ready, waiting for the doors to open on any given morning. How do I know this? Because I have been one of those people.
Don’t worry I don’t have a Costco-obsessive personality. It’s just that occasionally I’ll go there to get treats for the birthday treat day for work. Instead of going right to work I go directly to Costco and wait for them to open so that I can get the goodies. Then once I get to work, I pass out the treats, getting everyone all jacked up on sugar and remind them to be professional when they are on the phone with the customer. It reminds me when parents who give their kids a basket of chocolate on Easter and let them consume as much of it as they can before going to church and then demand that they child behave.
Everything was going fine when I walked into the store. I kept to the outside perimeter and made my way back to the baked goods. After I loaded up my cart with five dozen mega-sized-you-could-make-an-entire-meal-out-of-one-of-just-one-of-these muffins, I made my way through the innards of the store toward the checkout lines. It was during this journey back that my appreciation for Costco plummeted to an all-time low. There, filling up one of the middle isles, was a collection of decorations … for Christmas! They were already starting to capitalize on Christmas during the second to last week of August! AUGUST! Seriously, what the hell Costco?
I understand getting the store all ready for the holidays at the beginning of November. I’ll even let it slide when people dress up in ugly Christmas sweaters (as if there was another kind), put on a Santa costume or a Christmas tree outfit and got trick-or-treating for Halloween. But when you start selling Christmas decorations a isle away from the “Back to School” supplies the same week that kids go back to school … you’ve got a problem.
I suppose I could always make up a false conspiracy theory about this situation … ahem … According to my sources the Catholic Church has recently become the majority shareholder for Costco. The motivation for this is because the Church has always been a little annoyed that their attempts to cover up Halloween with some made up religious equivalent thus getting credit for the holiday instead of the Pagans failed repeatedly. By becoming the majority shareholder in a variety of department stores they can begin exploiting Christmas four months early, which reduces the space available for Halloween related items, thus slowly pushing Halloween out of the public eye, causing it to lose some of its power over the masses. Over time the Church will once again attempt to Christianize the holiday currently known as Halloween, thus achieving the only item on the “To do” list of their original manifesto that has not yet been checked off. The first Pope to accomplish this will receive the coveted “Halloweenus Overus” ring that and yet to be worn by any member of the faith since its initial creation in 609 A.D.
Hey, as far as conspiracy theories go, I’ve have definitely made up worse, and heard a lot crazier.
At least they were not playing holiday music. Had that happened I would most likely have spent the day at home, hiding in the fetal position under a blanket my mom make for me when I was a kid, while softly crying and humming the “The Great Song of Indifference” by Bob Geldof in hopes that it would bring me out of my pre-preholiday funk. Instead we all get this, today’s Smirk. So, I guess … thanks Costco? No, that still doesn’t feel right. It’s still a little too soon.
So am I off base here, or do you think August is a little early to start stocking the shelves with Christmas décor?
Image Sources:
Google Images, keywords: no Christmas tree, Costco parking, ugly Christmas sweater, and bad carolers.
© Richard Timothy 2011
by Richard Timothy | Aug 4, 2011 | I Just Don't Get It, Non-Fiction, Observationally Speaking
Today’s Smirk began to form the other night as I sat down to watch a DVD after dinner. As the DVD loaded and began to play that I did something that I don’t think I’ve ever done before, I took a moment and actually read the FBI warning. Usually I just curse under my breath at the DVD as I wait for the warning to pass while pressing the forward or menu button incessantly in hopes that something will happen that has never happened before, and I’ll be able to skip that damn warning. Say what you will about VHS, but when it comes that tedious FBI warning VHS will always be a superior form of technology for the sole purpose that you can actually fast-forward through them.
There are a number of different formats for FBI warnings on DVDs, and in researching it I’ve discovered the language in the warnings can vary a little. The one I happened to read said this:
“FBI WARNING
Federal Law provides sever civil and criminal penalties for the unauthorized reproduction, distribution or exhibition of copyrighted motion pictures, video tapes, DVDs or video discs. Criminal copyright infringement is investigated by the FBI and may constitute a felony with a maximum penalty of up to five years in prison and/or a $250,000 fine.
DO NOT COPY”
Anyone else catch that? That’s right “video tapes”, they are including the term video tapes in the warning. I don’t know about you, but this causes me to believe that the people responsible for making sure the FBI warning is displayed on every DVD don’t even read the warning.
I get that piracy is a problem, but the big boldfaced WARNING seems a little intense and overbearing to the person that just paid for the DVD. Not to mention, these warnings seem directed at the wrong people. I just purchased the film, and now this overbearing warning that I am forced to sit through feels a little like a threatened that if I make a copy of my DVD I can be fined and send to prison. Then I am stuck having to deal with a series of previews that in some cases I can’t skip past, but I can at least fast forward through, which in my opinion is just an asshole move by the movie company that put out the DVD. I don’t care that you advertise on the disc, but make it something I can choose to watch as an option in the menu and not something that automatically imposes itself on me when I start up the DVD.
Also, the warning is a tad erroneous. Having purchased the DVD I, under the “fair use” rule, have the right to copy my DVD for my own use, examples include burning it onto another disc as a backup or placing it on another device, such as an iPod, for personal viewing. So the “DO NOT COPY” in the warning is more of a suggestion than an actual demand. Still, in the written genre when you use all caps like that its considered yelling, and yelling at your customer is not only rude, but lacks standards and professionalism. You DVD manufacturers should be ashamed of yourself … and if you keep this up, I’m going to call your mother.
In researching this I found a comment in an article about pirated DVDs were the guy loves his pirated DVDs because the pirates understand the customer’s wants and have removed the FBI warning and the previews from their pirated product. When the guy puts a pirated DVD into his player one of two things happens, either the movie starts playing or the DVD loads to the menu list, that’s it. Personally that sounds wonderful! Yes, piracy is wrong and I don’t think people should do it, but the movie companies should really take a look at what their competitors (the pirates) are doing to make their product more appealing to the masses, and start applying it to their original product. At this point, it just feels like they are punishing us for being honest consumers, and that’s a pretty crappy business model.
In the end, is there really a point to these warnings? Has it ever thwarted someone’s pirating ways? Has there ever been a case were a DVD pirater has got everything ready to make a bunch of illegal copies, but as the movie begins he reads the FBI Warning and thinks, “Well my goodness, I had no idea what I am about to do is illegal. I am going to stop contributing to this crime right now!” I’m going to have to go with my gut feeling that no, this has never happened, and I doubt it ever will.
I suppose the only point for having them is so that in the event someone ever does get hauled in for pirating DVDs they won’t be able to use the “I didn’t know it was illegal” line of defense, which as far as I know has never held up in a court of law.
What are your thoughts on the matter?
Image Sources:
Google Images, keywords: watching tv, FBI Warning, fair use, and the point.
© Richard Timothy 2011
As all three of us are in the kitchen, maneuvering around each other, putting away the groceries and Rochelle manages to say something that inspires Angela to begin doing a little dance while singing out, “I’m Rochelle. I’m Rochelle.” 
Note: It is important to point at that the power of this threat does not work on kids up to the age of 12 and adults who have had a few more than too many, apparently adolescents and inebriation both seem to carry with it the characteristic of lessened inhibitions when there is a camera present ready to record your every word and action. It’s as if one’s inner “Born to be a star” personality takes over and all you have to do is sit back and enjoy the show. 
