July . . . All This and Days Too

July . . . All This and Days Too

With the start of the new month it is once again time to look closer and learn a few things you may not know about our seventh month of the year. In the US our big holiday this month is the 4th of July, the day we commemorate when we declared our independence from Great Britain way back in 1776. As it turns out we are not alone in claiming our independence in July.

Here are some of the other countries that have obtained their independence in the month of July:

  • Abkhazia – Independence from Georgia in 1993
  • Algeria – Independence from France in 1962
  • Argentina – Independence from the Spanish Empire in 1816
  • Bahamas – Independence from the United Kingdom in 1973
  • Belarus – Independence from several years of German occupation in 1944
  • Belgium – Independence from Netherlands in 1831
  • Burundi – Independence from Belgium in 1962
  • Cape Verde – Independence from Portugal in 1975
  • Colombia – Independence from Spain in 1810
  • Djibouti – Independence from France in 1977
  • Laos – Independence from France in 1949
  • Liberia – Independence from the United States in 1847
  • Malawi – Independence from the United Kingdom in 1964
  • Maldives – Independence from the United Kingdom in 1965
  • Peru – Independence from Spain in 1821
  • Rwanda – Independence from Belgium in 1962
  • Sao Tome and Principe – Independence from Portugal in 1975
  • Slovakia – Declaration of Independence in 1992
  • Solomon Islands – Independence from the United Kingdom in 1978
  • Somalia – Independence from Italy in 1960
  • South Sudan – Independence from Sudan in 2011
  • Vanuatu – Independence from the United Kingdom and France in 1980
  • Venezuela – Declaration of Independence from Spain in 1811

Apart from the Independence Day celebrations that take place this month, July is also:

  • National Blueberry Month
  • National Anti-Boredom Month – This is not a good idea. Whoever came up with the idea of putting Anti-Boredom Month during the same month what state laws towards the purchase of and use of fireworks becomes quite lenient clearly didn’t think this one through. This might also explain why some of my neighbors have been lighting off fireworks every night this past weekend, once the sun goes down they get bored and want to blow something up.
  • National Cell Phone Courtesy Month – I appreciate this one, unless that means we need to be more courteous towards people on their cell phone, but I’m guessing that isn’t the case.
  • National Hot Dog Month – Of course since the 4th of July is the biggest barbeque day of the year it’s not surprising that the month is dedicated to the consumption of these vile icons of America’s gift to the culinary world.
  • National Ice Cream Month – This one makes sense, especially considering how warm it is lately. I’m not a big fan of ice cream, but over the past week I have consumed ice cream on three separate occasions.

I did want to add one more celebration to this month. It’s not an official or nationally observed holiday, but in my experience July is also Family Reunion Month. I’ve already attended one family reunion this month and most of my friends seem to have one scheduled sometime this month as well.

When it comes to week long celebrations apparently the second week in July (so starting today) is Nude Recreation Week. My recommendation, find yourself a hammock, preferable in someplace secluded (no point in being the reason for your neighbors start going to therapy), and spend an hour or two relaxing in the hammock while in the buff. Don’t forget the sunscreen!

As for special days in the month of July, I managed to find 50+ different day celebrations. Today happens to be National Sugar Cookie Day, which I’ll be skipping. I’m not really a fan of sugar cookies. As for the rest of the days, for the sake of avoiding a ridiculously long list, I’ll highlight just a few of my favorites:

  • July 1 – Build a Scarecrow Day (which is the first Sunday of the month) and International Joke Day. – Sadly, I’m not sure I know any international jokes . . . unless of course you want to talk about America’s foreign policies over the last decade.
  • July 2 – I Forgot Day and World UFO Day – I was a little bummed about missing World UFO Day, but when I realized it was also I Forgot Day, I didn’t feel too bad about it anymore.
  • July 8 – Video Games Day – Check (and didn’t even know I was supposed to play video games this past Sunday). Yeah, I rock.
  • July 11 – Cheer Up the Lonely Day and World Population Day – Doesn’t having those two on the same day seem to imply that the recommended way of cheering up the lonely is an activity that could result in world population. I recommend just giving them a plate of cookies and asking them how their day is.
  • July 13 – Barbershop Music Appreciation Day – In a word, YES!
  • July 20 – Moon Day – I think it’s important to mention that this is in reference to the Moon that orbits the Earth and not the youthful or more commonly drunk frat guy activity that insists that flashing people the quick view of your bare derriere is the epitome of comedic genius.
  • July 27 – Take Your Pants for a Walk Day – I’m going to borrow my sister’s stroller on this day. That way I can just put all my pants in the seat and take all of them for a walk in one go.

Well, that’s it for my highlight of a few July Holidays. I hope you found a smirk getting a little more awareness about this month, and maybe, apart from grilling hotdogs and eating ice cream, you’ll get a little more out of this month than you have in years past. Cheers, and a Happy July to you all.

Image Sources:
Google Images, keywords: July, anti-boredom month, feet in a hammock, and barbershop music.

Copyright © 2012 Richard Timothy

June . . . All This and Days Too

June . . . All This and Days Too

With the start of a new month it is once again time to look at a new month and lean things you may not have known about our sixth month of the year.

The Roman poet Ovid explained in his work Fasti that the month of June was named after the Roman goddess Juno, which sounds just like the type of thing a Roman poet would day. The big holiday that most of us remember in June is Father’s Day. Of course, this is mainly because we have all have fathers, that and Hallmark has spent years of marketing to get us to believe the best way to let our father know how much we appreciate their fatherliness is through a card. As for the rest of the month, well let’s take a look at some of the themes that comprise this month.

June is:

  • Aquarium Month
  • Candy Month – This was surprising to me. I’ve always considered October to be Candy Month since it is always the month of the most candy purchased, given away and consumed.
  • Cancer from the Sun Month – Also known as “Don’t forget your sunscreen” Month.
  • Dairy Month
  • Fight the Filthy Fly Month – This one disturbed me a little at first. Was I going to need to invest in a fly swatter? It actually took a little more researching than normal to find out what this was all about. Apparently this is more of an awareness thing for people who own horses. June is the month to make sure you have your fly spray to you can dowse your horse in it so the flies leave it alone. Yeah, not nearly as cool as I was hoping it would be.
  • Gay Pride Month – I’d like to point out that apart from all the people that embrace their gay lifestyle this is also the month for all the old ladies named Gay. Embrace your name and be proud, ladies!
  • National Accordion Awareness Month
  • National Adopt a Cat Month – As a personal request, if you have more than three cats, please do not adopt any more cats until you get rid of the ones you already have. I helped a “cat lady” move once, and she had seven or eight cats living with her at the time of the move. The entire time I felt like I was in a perpetual state of wanting to vomit and cough up a hairball at the same time. Hence, the strong feelings about a three cat limit.
  • National Fresh Fruit and Vegetables Month
  • National Pest Control Month – I wonder if getting your neighbor who keeps borrowing tools and not returning them would count? We all know their pests. Control them long enough to get your tools back.
  • National Soul Food Month – Yum!
  • Potty Training Awareness Month – Make you spend the month acknowledging you are aware that the people around you are potty trained and that you support their decision to be thusly trained.
  • Turkey Lover’s Month – Contrary to popular belief that November is Turkey Lover’s Month, November is actually Turkey Haters Month . . . you know because we kill and eat so many of them.

There are also some week long celebrations in June as well. The first week of June is National Fishing and Boating Week. It’s a good think my office mate didn’t know about it. He normally only needs a small push to skip work and go fishing. Had he known that the entire week was dedicated to the cause I wouldn’t have seen him all week. In contrast to this the last week of June (well, June 27 through July 4) is Fish are Friends, Not Food Week, which did make smirk.

As for special days in the month of June, I managed to find 50+ different “Days”. For the sake of avoiding a ridiculously long list, I’ll highlight a few of my favorites:

  • June 1 – Doughnut Day, Heimlich Maneuver Day, and Say Something Nice Day – I love that Doughnut Day and Heimlich Maneuver Day are the same day this year (Doughnut day is always the first Friday in June). Looks like people learned their lesson and are thinking safety first.
  • June 2 – National Bubba Day – This day is to honor anyone named Bubba. The nice thing about this day is that way everyone who wants to can take part in this holiday can. You just need to choose to go by the name Bubba just for that day.
  • June 6 – National Yo-Yo Day – The Yo-Yo originated in China, between 500 and 1000 B.C. This day was initially established in honor of the man who in the early 1900’s introduced the Yo-Yo as a toy for people of all ages to enjoy, Donald F. Duncan Sr.
  • June 11 – Hug Day – Yep, today is hug day. So make sure you give at least one hug to someone today. Note: You want to make sure you are hugging consenting people. I highly urge you to avoid performing any walk-by hugs to random people. It can be extremely disturbing for some, oh and cops don’t like it either.
  • June 17 – Father’s Day
  • June 23 – Take your Dog to Work Day (also known as, “Nothing will get done at work” Day, mainly because people have to make sure their dog doesn’t freak out and attempt to eat, mount, or lick your coworkers dog . . . or your coworker.
  • June 28 – Paul Bunyan Day – This day is the only reason I still own a red flannel shirt. It’s also a great excuse to spend the day singing Monty Python’s “I’m a Lumberjack” song.

That’s it for my highlight of a few June Holidays. I hope you enjoyed a little more awareness about this month, and maybe, apart from sending your father another power drill or more barbeque grilling equipment and calling him up on the 17th to say thanks for being your dad, you’ll get a little more out of this month than you have in years past. Cheers, and a Happy June to you all.

Image Sources:
Google Images, keywords: roman goddess Juno, adopt a cat, gone fishing, and take your dog to work day.

Copyright © 2012 Richard Timothy

May . . . All This and Days Too!

May . . . All This and Days Too!

With the start of a new month, I realized that I completely forgot to Smirk about the Holidays that encompass the month of April . . . I guess we’ll have to wait until next April. As for May, the big holiday that most of us remember is Mother’s Day, mainly because we have Hallmark and flower shops reminding us of this fact. There is also Memorial Day, which we remember, but for two very different reasons. Half of us love this holiday because we get the day off and can enjoy a long weekend. The other half hate this holiday because they are stuck at work while half of their friends are out enjoying the day off. As for the rest of the month, well let’s take a look at the themes that comprise the entire month.

May is:

  • American Bike Month—I just got my bike tuned up for the summer without even knowing it was Bike Month . . . I rock.
  • Asian Pacific American Heritage Month
  • Asparagus Month—I would recommend getting some extra air fresheners for the month due to the unfortunate odor that is produced from eating these things.
  • Asthma & Allergy Month—Oh, I’m fully aware of my allergies this month. I’ve been sneezing all week.
  • Better Hearing and Speech Month
  • Flower Month
  • National Barbeque Month—I had barbeque just last night for dinner. I even had to do a load of laundry as a result . . . that sauce gets everywhere.
  • National Egg Month
  • National Duckling Month
  • National Hamburger Month
  • National Mental Health Month
  • National Salad Month—I suppose if you have a salad with your hamburger it would be like killing two stones with one bird.
  • National Photograph Month
  • National Physical Fitness and Sports Month
  • National Strawberry Month
  • Older Americans Month—This seems a little vague, because technically wouldn’t that be anyone older than you, and for a two year old that’s damn near everyone in America.
  • Transportation Month—I consider this one already covered since just last week, in the span of one day my sweetie-baby-cutie-pie-wifey-pooh and I managed to use the following modes of transportation: car, airplane, escalator, elevator, walking, train, friend’s car, lots more walking, towed in a little cart with seats by a bicycle, bus, train, a different airplane, another train and just a little more walking to get us to our hotel room.

There are also some week long celebrations in May as well. The first week of month has been dubbed Nurse’s Week, National Postcard Week and Teacher Appreciation Week. I guess if you wanted to cover all your bases you could always send a postcard of a nurse to one of your teachers telling them you appreciate them.

Week two encompasses Wildflower Week, National Pet Week, National Police Week* and Stuttering Awareness Week. Hmm, for this one you could give a wildflower to a police officer while stuttering through a story about your favorite pet.

*National Police Week can happen on either the second or third week, meaning it takes place on whichever week has the 15th in it (week three for this year)

Week three is National Bike Week and (this year) National Police Week. If you really want to handle this week in finesse, stop and thank all bike police (police riding bikes) you see.

And the month is wrapped up with National Backyard Games Week and Emergency Medical Services Week . . . coincident? I think not.

As for special days in the month of May, I managed to find 72 different “Days”. For the sake of avoiding a ridiculously long list, I’ll highlight a few of my favorites:

  • May 6 – International No Diet Day
  • May 8 – No Socks Day
  • May 13 – Mother’s Day, Frog Jumping Day, and Leprechaun Day
  • May 14 – Dance Like a Chicken Day
  • May 23 – Lucky Penny Day
  • May 26 – International Jazz Day (which is always the Saturday of Memorial Day weekend)
  • May 29 – Learn About Composting Day and Paper Clip Day
  • May 30 – Memorial Day (While officially Memorial Day is May 30th, it is observed on the last Monday of May, which is on the 28th this year (2012).)
  • May 31 – National Macaroon Day

That’s it for me Smirking about May. I hope you enjoyed a little more awareness about this month, and maybe, apart from sending your mother flowers and calling her up on the 13th to say thanks for being your Mom, you’ll get a little more out of this month than you have in years past. Regardless if you do or don’t, Cheers! and a Happy May to you all.

Image Sources:
Google Images, keywords: May, Asthma & Allergy Month, nurse postcard, and dancing like a chicken.

Copyright © 2012 Richard Timothy

March . . . All This and Days Too!

March . . . All This and Days Too!

When I took a look at month of February for one of last month’s Smirks I was so amused by what I learned that I thought it might be fun to dedicate one Smirk a month this year to learning a little more about each month. So for the first Smirk of March, why not share what I learned about this month, the only month of the year that can be a verb as well as a noun.

When it comes to March, I’ve always assumed that there is some type of Irish theme associated with it due to St. Patrick’s Day being in the middle of it. Turns out I was right because March is Irish-American Heritage Month. Of course it not just Irish-American Heritage Month, they do have to share it with others. As it turns out March is also:

  • National Kidney Month
  • National Nutrition Month
  • Women’s History Month
  • Greek-American Heritage Month
  • National Brain Injury Awareness Month
  • Endometriosis Awareness Month
  • Juvenile Arthritis Awareness Month
  • Self-Harm Awareness Month
  • National Essential Tremor Awareness Month
  • “Help Fight Liver Disease” Month
  • Red Cross Month
  • National Colorectal Cancer Awareness Month
  • National Epilepsy Month
  • Supply Management Month

A few of those make perfect sense, but only after you juxtapose them with St. Patrick’s Day and the mass consumption of alcohol as the only acceptable ways to correctly celebrate the day. Drinking can do a number to your kidneys and liver, so having the month dedicated to both kidneys and liver disease makes perfect sense.

The same can be said for brain injury and self-harm. Next to New Years, I would assume St. Patrick’s Day has the second highest cumulative loss of brain cells in the span of a twenty-four hour period than any other holiday celebrated each year. And I imagine the amount of harm people do to themselves due to the mass consumption of green beer and dressing up like leprechauns is higher this month than any other month of the year as well.

Apart from an entire month of awareness or celebration towards one specific theme, some themes feel that all they really need is just a week for make their mark spreading awareness to the world. The 4th -10th of March is National Social Work Week. In honor of this week I’ve been working on my social skills by memorizing one clean joke for every dirty one I like to share in social settings. The 12th-18th is Brain Awareness Week, and I’ve already got my zombie costume pulled out of storage and ready to go. Today starts National Sleep Awareness Week, so in honor of this week I shall be taking a nap every single day from now until the 11th. This week is going to be kick ass. The 13th starts World Rotaract Week, which has something to do with Rotary clubs, which is a club where a group of people helps others and not a club that rotates . . . and no I will not admit that I had to look that up.

There are a few days this month that I found to be points of interest as well.

  • 6 – World Glaucoma Day – You would think that this would happen during Marijuana Awareness Month (February in case you were wondering).
  • 8 – International Women’s Day
  • 14 – Pi Day – I’m going to get blueberry! (Insert smiley face here.)
  • 22 – World Water Day
  • 23 – World Meteorological Day
  • 24 – World Tuberculosis Day
  • 26 – Purple Day
  • 31 – World Backup Day

I guess the nice thing is, if I decide to actually pay attention to any of those days at least I’ll know what I’ll be wearing for two days this month. I am a little stoked about it being Greek-American Heritage Month as well; it’s a great excuse to get gyros at least once a week this month for dinner, because I do love a good gyro.

I hope you enjoyed this March Awareness Smirk, and maybe, apart from drinking something green on the same day you dress in something green, you’ll get a little more out of March this year than years past, but regardless if you do or don’t, Cheers! And a Happy March to you all.

Image Sources:
Google Images, keywords:March, Women’s History Month, sleep at work, and Pi Day.

Copyright © 2012 Richard Timothy

Happy Hallow-Who-What-Where-Why-Ween!

Happy Hallow-Who-What-Where-Why-Ween!

Halloween is a holiday that I Smirk about each year. The first year I shared my experience about people dressing up for Halloween at work. Last year I did two pieces, the first one about the delight of youthful treat-or-treating leading to my first experience with Jehovah’s Witnesses and their incessant refusal to take part in the Halloween holiday. The second one was about passing out “healthy” alternatives to commercial treat-or-treat treats. I’m still not 100% sure I’m proud I did that, but this year to avoid becoming “that guy” again, I’ll be out of the house so I won’t be at home and waiting for decorated little people to come to my door step and threaten me using the well coded guise of “trick-or-treat” aka “give me candy or else”.

The thing is I’m not a big fan of Halloween . . . for myself. For other people sure, but I don’t like dressing up. I really haven’t since I was a teenager. That being said, I can’t help but notice the irony that while writing that I am dressed up in what could be considered a costume. For work today people can dress up, and since this holiday allows me to wear shorts and sandals to work for only one day of the year . . . I have chosen to do so. To top it off I’m wearing an oversized white button up shirt with some embroidered designs in it. So take that and add me slicking my hair back and putting it into a pony tail and wal la, I’m dressed up as a “Caribbean drug lord”, like you see on television. It might seem like a silly ruse to get away with wearing shorts to work, but you know what . . . I’m wearing shorts to work!

I am always willing to support those who love, crave, and live for Halloween, just don’t expect me to dress up, or want to dress up, or care when you are disappointed that I didn’t dress up for your party. It’s just not my thing, but at least I brought some wine to help you get over it.

For this year’s Halloween Smirk I thought it would be interesting to take a look at what Halloween really is, or at least was, and where it came from. Prior to researching this holiday all I could really tell you about it is that it was a Pagan holiday that was once called Hallow’s Eve and that it had something to do with warding off evil spirits. Let’s just say I was minutely correct, and that there is quite a bit of room for improvement.

Halloween was an ancient Celt festival called Samhain (pronounced sow-in or sow-an), which is from the old Irish word Samuin meaning “summer’s end”. Some 2000 years ago these Celts lived in the land what now makes up northern France, the United Kingdom and Ireland and according to their calendar November 1st was their New Year. The 1st was considered the end of summer and the harvest, and the start of the cold, dark winter days that brought with them, death.

It was believed that on the night of the 31st the ghosts of the dead would return to earth to cause trouble and damage crops. It was also believe that the spirits made it easier for Druids to commune with these spirits and make predictions about the upcoming year, giving mental security and direction during the winter months.

During the festival everyone in the community extinguished the fires in their homes and a huge bon fires were built as crops and animas were offered as sacrifices to the gods. During this time costumes were worn, usually made from animals (heads and skins) to fool the spirits into leaving them alone, and at the end of the celebration the people used flames from the bon fire to relight the fires in their own home, which would serve as protection during the winter months.

Eventually, the Christians showed up and went on a campaign to replace Halloween to All Saints Day, but Halloween has refused to go away. Sure it has altered a bit, and customs have been added along the way, like the jack-o’-lantern. This custom originated from Irish myth about a farmer named “Stingy Jack” who played a number of tricks on the devil, and ultimately when he died, no one wanted his soul. He was given a burning piece of coal, so Jack carved a small lantern out of a turnip, placed the coal inside and has been roaming the earth ever since.

In Ireland and Scotland people began to carve scary faces into turnips and potatoes (in England they used large beets) and placed them on in windows or near doors to frighten away Jack and other evil spirits. It wasn’t until immigrants from these countries came to America, bringing this tradition with them, that they found pumpkins were much easier to carve and made much better jack-o’-lanterns, hence the tradition that Jack-o’-lanterns are carved from pumpkins.

There is more, but I’m heading out soon, so I guess that’s it for this year, but in hopes of getting a holiday smirk from you, here are a few Halloweenish facts that I got from Kelley Rockey (with a few personal interjections).

  • Samhainophobia is an intense, persistent, and abnormal fear of Halloween. (Where as an intense, persistent, and abnormal fear of phobias is called phobophobia. But what I want to know is what do you call a phobia of saying phobophobia?)
  • The current world record for biggest pumpkin is *Phil who weighed 1,469 pounds (667.7 kg). (*I don’t know if they actually named the pumpkin Phil, but in my opinion Phil does make for a good pumpkin name.)
  • After the Roman Empire gained control of the British Isles, Samhain also became a harvest festival honoring Pomona, the goddess of fruit trees. Bobbing for apples is thought to have originated from this harvest festival. (The thing I’d like to know . . . when was the last time a sober person bobbed for apples?)
  • 99% of pumpkins grown in America are used for Jack-o-lanterns. (Half of which, I imagine, go to the endless supply of pumpkin related carving shows on food themed cable television shows.)
  • The number one candy choice for Halloween is Snickers. (Apparently it’s not as satisfying as they’d like us to believe.)
  • In the United States the first citywide Halloween celebration was held in Anoka, Minnesota in 1921. It is believed that the reason the townspeople decided to put on this celebration was to divert its youngsters from committing Halloween pranks. Anoka is now known as “The Halloween Capital of the World”. (Granted this is a self-proclaimed title and no one except Anokaites refer to Anoka as “The Halloween Capital of the World”, but still, good for them.)
  • Halloween is the 2nd most commercially successful holiday. Americans spend an estimated 6.9 billion dollars during Halloween on candies, costumes, decorations and parties. (Let’s just hope we don’t start seeing Halloween decorations on the shelves four months before the holiday . . . yeah I’m talking about you Christmas!)
  • One quarter of all the candy sold in the United States each year is purchased for Halloween. (More impressive is that is only takes about three to four days for one quarter of all the candy sold in the United States each year to be consumed. See I told you Snickers are nearly as satisfying as they want you to believe.)

Well, that’s it for me. I hope you all enjoy your Halloween and a very Happy Samhain to you all!

And a big thanks to the History Channel and Wikipedia for educating me a bit more about Halloween.

Image Sources:
Google Images, keywords: Halloween, holding wine bottle, Samhain, Stingy Jack, largest pumpkin, and Anoka MN.

© Richard Timothy 2011

This NOT the Season, So Quit It!

This NOT the Season, So Quit It!

I had almost finished this week’s Smirk about some of the differences I’ve noticed between men and women when watching television. I only had a few thoughts and one tangent left to finish up and this week’s Smirk would have been all done are ready for you to enjoy. But no! Instead I had to go to Costco on my way to work today for the sake of picking up a treat for everyone at work in celebration of those who have had a birthday this month, and it was there that today’s Smirk caught my eye.

Since I have not experienced a Costco in any other place but Utah, let me just start out by stating the obvious, Costco in Utah is scary. Don’t get me wrong, it’s delightful as well, but it’s still scary. It is the only store I’ve seen where the parking lot begins to fill up before it opens and people have their carts at the ready, waiting for the doors to open on any given morning. How do I know this? Because I have been one of those people.

Don’t worry I don’t have a Costco-obsessive personality. It’s just that occasionally I’ll go there to get treats for the birthday treat day for work. Instead of going right to work I go directly to Costco and wait for them to open so that I can get the goodies. Then once I get to work, I pass out the treats, getting everyone all jacked up on sugar and remind them to be professional when they are on the phone with the customer. It reminds me when parents who give their kids a basket of chocolate on Easter and let them consume as much of it as they can before going to church and then demand that they child behave.

Everything was going fine when I walked into the store. I kept to the outside perimeter and made my way back to the baked goods. After I loaded up my cart with five dozen mega-sized-you-could-make-an-entire-meal-out-of-one-of-just-one-of-these muffins, I made my way through the innards of the store toward the checkout lines. It was during this journey back that my appreciation for Costco plummeted to an all-time low. There, filling up one of the middle isles, was a collection of decorations … for Christmas! They were already starting to capitalize on Christmas during the second to last week of August! AUGUST! Seriously, what the hell Costco?

I understand getting the store all ready for the holidays at the beginning of November. I’ll even let it slide when people dress up in ugly Christmas sweaters (as if there was another kind), put on a Santa costume or a Christmas tree outfit and got trick-or-treating for Halloween. But when you start selling Christmas decorations a isle away from the “Back to School” supplies the same week that kids go back to school … you’ve got a problem.

I suppose I could always make up a false conspiracy theory about this situation … ahem … According to my sources the Catholic Church has recently become the majority shareholder for Costco. The motivation for this is because the Church has always been a little annoyed that their attempts to cover up Halloween with some made up religious equivalent thus getting credit for the holiday instead of the Pagans failed repeatedly. By becoming the majority shareholder in a variety of department stores they can begin exploiting Christmas four months early, which reduces the space available for Halloween related items, thus slowly pushing Halloween out of the public eye, causing it to lose some of its power over the masses. Over time the Church will once again attempt to Christianize the holiday currently known as Halloween, thus achieving the only item on the “To do” list of their original manifesto that has not yet been checked off. The first Pope to accomplish this will receive the coveted “Halloweenus Overus” ring that and yet to be worn by any member of the faith since its initial creation in 609 A.D.

Hey, as far as conspiracy theories go, I’ve have definitely made up worse, and heard a lot crazier.

At least they were not playing holiday music. Had that happened I would most likely have spent the day at home, hiding in the fetal position under a blanket my mom make for me when I was a kid, while softly crying and humming the “The Great Song of Indifference” by Bob Geldof in hopes that it would bring me out of my pre-preholiday funk. Instead we all get this, today’s Smirk. So, I guess … thanks Costco? No, that still doesn’t feel right. It’s still a little too soon.

So am I off base here, or do you think August is a little early to start stocking the shelves with Christmas décor?

Image Sources:
Google Images, keywords: no Christmas tree, Costco parking, ugly Christmas sweater, and bad carolers.

© Richard Timothy 2011