Non-Fiction - Richard Timothy

June . . . All This and Days Too

by Richard Timothy | Jun 11, 2012 | Holiday Banter, Non-Fiction, Observationally Speaking

With the start of a new month it is once again time to look at a new month and lean things you may not have known about our sixth month of the year.

The Roman poet Ovid explained in his work Fasti that the month of June was named after the Roman goddess Juno, which sounds just like the type of thing a Roman poet would day. The big holiday that most of us remember in June is Father’s Day. Of course, this is mainly because we have all have fathers, that and Hallmark has spent years of marketing to get us to believe the best way to let our father know how much we appreciate their fatherliness is through a card. As for the rest of the month, well let’s take a look at some of the themes that comprise this month.

June is:

Aquarium Month
Candy Month – This was surprising to me. I’ve always considered October to be Candy Month since it is always the month of the most candy purchased, given away and consumed.
Cancer from the Sun Month – Also known as “Don’t forget your sunscreen” Month.
Dairy Month
Fight the Filthy Fly Month – This one disturbed me a little at first. Was I going to need to invest in a fly swatter? It actually took a little more researching than normal to find out what this was all about. Apparently this is more of an awareness thing for people who own horses. June is the month to make sure you have your fly spray to you can dowse your horse in it so the flies leave it alone. Yeah, not nearly as cool as I was hoping it would be.
Gay Pride Month – I’d like to point out that apart from all the people that embrace their gay lifestyle this is also the month for all the old ladies named Gay. Embrace your name and be proud, ladies!
National Accordion Awareness Month

National Adopt a Cat Month – As a personal request, if you have more than three cats, please do not adopt any more cats until you get rid of the ones you already have. I helped a “cat lady” move once, and she had seven or eight cats living with her at the time of the move. The entire time I felt like I was in a perpetual state of wanting to vomit and cough up a hairball at the same time. Hence, the strong feelings about a three cat limit.
National Fresh Fruit and Vegetables Month
National Pest Control Month – I wonder if getting your neighbor who keeps borrowing tools and not returning them would count? We all know their pests. Control them long enough to get your tools back.
National Soul Food Month – Yum!
Potty Training Awareness Month – Make you spend the month acknowledging you are aware that the people around you are potty trained and that you support their decision to be thusly trained.
Turkey Lover’s Month – Contrary to popular belief that November is Turkey Lover’s Month, November is actually Turkey Haters Month . . . you know because we kill and eat so many of them.

There are also some week long celebrations in June as well. The first week of June is National Fishing and Boating Week. It’s a good think my office mate didn’t know about it. He normally only needs a small push to skip work and go fishing. Had he known that the entire week was dedicated to the cause I wouldn’t have seen him all week. In contrast to this the last week of June (well, June 27 through July 4) is Fish are Friends, Not Food Week, which did make smirk.

As for special days in the month of June, I managed to find 50+ different “Days”. For the sake of avoiding a ridiculously long list, I’ll highlight a few of my favorites:

June 1 – Doughnut Day, Heimlich Maneuver Day, and Say Something Nice Day – I love that Doughnut Day and Heimlich Maneuver Day are the same day this year (Doughnut day is always the first Friday in June). Looks like people learned their lesson and are thinking safety first.
June 2 – National Bubba Day – This day is to honor anyone named Bubba. The nice thing about this day is that way everyone who wants to can take part in this holiday can. You just need to choose to go by the name Bubba just for that day.
June 6 – National Yo-Yo Day – The Yo-Yo originated in China, between 500 and 1000 B.C. This day was initially established in honor of the man who in the early 1900’s introduced the Yo-Yo as a toy for people of all ages to enjoy, Donald F. Duncan Sr.
June 11 – Hug Day – Yep, today is hug day. So make sure you give at least one hug to someone today. Note: You want to make sure you are hugging consenting people. I highly urge you to avoid performing any walk-by hugs to random people. It can be extremely disturbing for some, oh and cops don’t like it either.
June 17 – Father’s Day

June 23 – Take your Dog to Work Day (also known as, “Nothing will get done at work” Day, mainly because people have to make sure their dog doesn’t freak out and attempt to eat, mount, or lick your coworkers dog . . . or your coworker.
June 28 – Paul Bunyan Day – This day is the only reason I still own a red flannel shirt. It’s also a great excuse to spend the day singing Monty Python’s “I’m a Lumberjack” song.

That’s it for my highlight of a few June Holidays. I hope you enjoyed a little more awareness about this month, and maybe, apart from sending your father another power drill or more barbeque grilling equipment and calling him up on the 17th to say thanks for being your dad, you’ll get a little more out of this month than you have in years past. Cheers, and a Happy June to you all.

Image Sources:
Google Images, keywords: roman goddess Juno, adopt a cat, gone fishing, and take your dog to work day.

I’m Happy and I Know It

by Richard Timothy | May 31, 2012 | I Think There's a Point, My Cutie Baby Sweetie Pie, Non-Fiction, Observationally Speaking

I don’t know about you, but when I am placed in a situation where I’m introduced to things, usually music, in a non-formal manner, I am left to rely on my own musical frame of reference. Non-formal introduction are those where I hear a song I like on the radio, but the DJ never announces who the artist is. Another example is when I’m watching a commercial or tv show and I hear a song that I find delightful, but have no way of figuring out who sings it.

There are also the unwanted non-formal introductions to music, which is commonly introduced to entire city blocks by young kids that roll down all their windows while some crap music is played as loud as the cars inefficient sound system will go. The good thing I’ve found from these experiences is that most the time you can’t understand a damn thing because the subwoofer installed in the trunk is making the entire car rattle every time the base drum is hit, which is usually quite frequent.

In the past I’ve mentioned that Angela has a surprising affinity for music that I am not partial to. Apart from her love for butt rock bands (aka 80’s and 90’s rock or hair bands) like Bon Jovi and Guns & Roses, she also has the occasional mood swing and gets a rather strong hankering to listen to R&Bish, hip-hoppy, poppy, dancey type music. Things like . . . well I really don’t know, but everyone once in a while when we get in her car to go somewhere together she’ll start up the car and some song starts loudly blaring—GAGA! Yeah that’s one of those dancey music people she listens to.

She’s usually quick to change the station, but every once in a while she’ll wait for a few seconds and she sings along to the tune. Clearly she listens to this stuff more than she admits, or it could just be that their lyrics are so redundant that after one listening, you pretty much have the entire song memorized—that’s right! I’m talking to you Black Eyed Peas and your I Got a Feeling song.

So the other night while we were sitting on the couch watching tv, some redundant commercial came on, you know one of those obnoxious ones that comes one every single commercial break. To avoid paying attention to the inane ad Angela said in a tone that suggested she was singing to herself, “I’m sexy and I know it.” Left to rely on my own musical frame of reference and promptly and loudly clapped my hands twice.

She looked at me a little surprised and confused and asked, “What was that?”

“I was taking part in the song,” I replied. “If you’re sexy and you know it, clap your hands . . . right?”

She laughed at me. Then laughed some more. Then stopped laughing and looked at me, and then promptly started laughing at me again. All the while a smirk stayed on my face while I waited for an explanation.

Eventually, once the laughter became more of an occasional giggle, she explained that there was a current song titled Sexy and I Know It by some LMA-something group that was making the rounds on the radio.

And even though I had never heard this song I insisted that I like my version better, and you know what? She completely agreed. This made me happy—so I clapped my hands again, twice.

Image Sources:
Google Images, keywords: listening to radio, black eyed peas, and clap clap.

Men Hate the “What are you thinking about?” Question

by Richard Timothy | May 25, 2012 | Confessed Confidentially, My Cutie Baby Sweetie Pie, Non-Fiction, Observationally Speaking

Men hate the “What are you thinking about?” question. It is the ultimate battle of the sexes question. Having experienced the last 38 years as one belonging to the male gender, let’s just say I’ve picked up a few things about how my mind works and assume that that is how other male minds work as well . . . usually.

Men hate the “What are you thinking about?” question because we know it’s a test, and even if we’re implicitly told that it is not a test, we still know it’s a test. Sometimes we’ll attempt to confirm that we are thinking about the person who asked us that question. Sadly, we aren’t always believed when we give this answer. The thing is that this is literally the truth, due to how our brains have a tendency to work.

When men are asked, “What are you thinking about?” we instantly begin, regardless of what we were thinking about the second before, to think about the question itself and wonder why you are asking us that question.

See, we are thinking about you.

The question women really mean to ask is, “What were you thinking about just then?” because that would mean you want to know what we were thinking about prior to you asking the question. We figure this is what you probably mean, but we are a little more literal minded and chances are we’ll ruin the mood if we answer that question the way you intended it.

It’s not that we are thinking disgusting things, angry things, inappropriate things, things that make us smirk, or naughty things, well sometimes we are on those last two, but most of the time we not thinking of anything to evoke mushy feelings in that exact moment. Instead we are thinking of a very random topic that is vaguely related to the moment.

Here’s what I mean:

The other night after, you know, my sweetie-baby-cutie-pie-wifey-pooh and I were cuddling and she asked what I was thinking about. Of course my reply was her, but what I was really thinking about was playing basketball in the shower.

How is this possibly related to our prior activity? Simple, I was a little sweaty, which got me thinking about getting up and taking a shower after we cuddled a little longer. The thought of the shower got me thinking standing in the tub, the very tub that our two and a half year old nephew uses to take baths when he stays with us. We have all these toys that frequent the tub as a result and one of them is a little hoop with suction cups that you can stick on the wall. The hoop comes with three balls that float in the water and can be used to shoot into the hoop. It was a toy that I would have loved as a kid, but would still probably get a kick out of playing while taking a shower. And THAT is how I ended up thinking about playing basketball in the shower when my dear wife got around to asking me what I was thinking about.

You can see how the mood might have altered if I had answered that question honestly. And chances are most men are thinking of something as equally random as that when they are asked “THE” question. You can now see why we almost always choose not to answer the question honestly.

Most men know that women want a feeling/emotion filled answer. The trouble is that most men rarely think that way. We would love nothing more than to listen while the woman talks about their feelings and leave us to our obscurely connected thoughts about a seemingly random topic instead of being slapped out of thoughts by a question about what we are thinking, which you really don’t want us to answer honestly.

As much as men would love for the “What are you thinking about?” question to never be asked again, we know it’s just not going to happen. I would, however, ask that you don’t question us when we give you a loaded answer; because even if it sounds loaded or rehearsed, it’s going to be sweeter, more endearing, and a hell of a lot less random than the truth.

Note: Should you ask a man “What are you thinking about?” and he responds with, “Nothing” or “I don’t know” please do not pursue it. Chances are they were so caught off guard that you sprained their brain a little and they need a little while to reboot. Just take the lead and tell them what you were thinking about and ask if they agree. Changes are they will and they will love you that much more for not publicly calling them on it and just letting it go.

Image Sources:
Google Images, keywords: man rolling eyes, what are you thinking about, couple in bed, and man shrugging shoulders.

Ode to my ABBA Mom

by Richard Timothy | May 15, 2012 | My List of Things that Don't Suck, Non-Fiction, Observationally Speaking, When I Was a Kid

Last Friday, as I was walking into work a co-worker was trailing a little behind me so I stopped and held the door open for him. As he walking up I noticed he was humming a little turn to himself. Thing that surprised me is that I recognized the tune. The man was humming ABBA, and ABBA always brings a smirk to my lips.

I don’t know about you, but anytime the Swedish pop sensation ABBA comes up in conversation, inevitably, apart from mentioning they were from Sweden, the topic of mothers always seems to come up as well . . . and occasionally gay men, depending on whom you are talking with. In the case of my co-worker, our conversation came around to topic of our ABBA moms.

Some of my favorite childhood memories of my mom are the times when we (my siblings and I) would either be playing a game, or watching television, or just lounging around the house and mom would walk over to the record player, shuffle thought the shelve of LPs, and the next thing we knew there she was, dancing around the living room to ABBA.

It’s one of my perfect childhood moments, where there was no denying how absolutely happy my mom was. Sometimes we’d clap and cheer her on, other times we’d join in and dance around the house with her. Occasionally in my teens when friends were over, I’d leave the room as fast as I could, embarrassed that she would dare embarrass me like that. Fortunately I out grew that phase, and now, it’s just a reminder of what a kick ass mom I have.

My co-worker and I came to the conclusion that there are really only three types of people on the planet:

Those who publicly love ABBA.
Those who secretly love ABBA, but keep it a secret from the world.
And those who have never heard ABBA so have not yet fallen into one of the first two categories.

For me, obviously I’m a fan and most of that credit goes to my dancing ABBA mom. Any mom that is willing to lip sync Take a Chance on Me to you while dancing around the house is definitely a pretty cool mom, and you should consider yourself lucky because you too have an ABBA mom. So, if you didn’t remind her of this this past Sunday on Mother’s Day, you should call her up this week and let her know, because let’s face it, she deserves to be reminded that she is truly a beloved dancing queen.

Image Sources:
Google Images, keywords: ABBA, dancing mom, and mom rocking out.

May . . . All This and Days Too!

by Richard Timothy | May 3, 2012 | Holiday Banter, Non-Fiction, Observationally Speaking

With the start of a new month, I realized that I completely forgot to Smirk about the Holidays that encompass the month of April . . . I guess we’ll have to wait until next April. As for May, the big holiday that most of us remember is Mother’s Day, mainly because we have Hallmark and flower shops reminding us of this fact. There is also Memorial Day, which we remember, but for two very different reasons. Half of us love this holiday because we get the day off and can enjoy a long weekend. The other half hate this holiday because they are stuck at work while half of their friends are out enjoying the day off. As for the rest of the month, well let’s take a look at the themes that comprise the entire month.

May is:

American Bike Month—I just got my bike tuned up for the summer without even knowing it was Bike Month . . . I rock.
Asian Pacific American Heritage Month
Asparagus Month—I would recommend getting some extra air fresheners for the month due to the unfortunate odor that is produced from eating these things.

Asthma & Allergy Month—Oh, I’m fully aware of my allergies this month. I’ve been sneezing all week.
Better Hearing and Speech Month
Flower Month
National Barbeque Month—I had barbeque just last night for dinner. I even had to do a load of laundry as a result . . . that sauce gets everywhere.
National Egg Month
National Duckling Month
National Hamburger Month
National Mental Health Month
National Salad Month—I suppose if you have a salad with your hamburger it would be like killing two stones with one bird.
National Photograph Month
National Physical Fitness and Sports Month
National Strawberry Month
Older Americans Month—This seems a little vague, because technically wouldn’t that be anyone older than you, and for a two year old that’s damn near everyone in America.
Transportation Month—I consider this one already covered since just last week, in the span of one day my sweetie-baby-cutie-pie-wifey-pooh and I managed to use the following modes of transportation: car, airplane, escalator, elevator, walking, train, friend’s car, lots more walking, towed in a little cart with seats by a bicycle, bus, train, a different airplane, another train and just a little more walking to get us to our hotel room.

There are also some week long celebrations in May as well. The first week of month has been dubbed Nurse’s Week, National Postcard Week and Teacher Appreciation Week. I guess if you wanted to cover all your bases you could always send a postcard of a nurse to one of your teachers telling them you appreciate them.

Week two encompasses Wildflower Week, National Pet Week, National Police Week* and Stuttering Awareness Week. Hmm, for this one you could give a wildflower to a police officer while stuttering through a story about your favorite pet.

*National Police Week can happen on either the second or third week, meaning it takes place on whichever week has the 15th in it (week three for this year)

Week three is National Bike Week and (this year) National Police Week. If you really want to handle this week in finesse, stop and thank all bike police (police riding bikes) you see.

And the month is wrapped up with National Backyard Games Week and Emergency Medical Services Week . . . coincident? I think not.

As for special days in the month of May, I managed to find 72 different “Days”. For the sake of avoiding a ridiculously long list, I’ll highlight a few of my favorites:

May 6 – International No Diet Day
May 8 – No Socks Day
May 13 – Mother’s Day, Frog Jumping Day, and Leprechaun Day

May 14 – Dance Like a Chicken Day
May 23 – Lucky Penny Day
May 26 – International Jazz Day (which is always the Saturday of Memorial Day weekend)
May 29 – Learn About Composting Day and Paper Clip Day
May 30 – Memorial Day (While officially Memorial Day is May 30th, it is observed on the last Monday of May, which is on the 28th this year (2012).)
May 31 – National Macaroon Day

That’s it for me Smirking about May. I hope you enjoyed a little more awareness about this month, and maybe, apart from sending your mother flowers and calling her up on the 13th to say thanks for being your Mom, you’ll get a little more out of this month than you have in years past. Regardless if you do or don’t, Cheers! and a Happy May to you all.

Image Sources:
Google Images, keywords: May, Asthma & Allergy Month, nurse postcard, and dancing like a chicken.

The Underarm Conundrum

by Richard Timothy | Apr 30, 2012 | I Think There's a Point, Non-Fiction, Observationally Speaking

Underarm hair, we all have it, well we all get it, eventually. Good thing it doesn’t start growing until later, because let’s face it if babies were born with a full pit of hair, chances are their adorability might waver a bit.

The thing about underarm hair, much like leg hair, (at least in the US) is that it is a bit of a sexist follicle. Meaning it’s a hair growth that is considered acceptable for men, but unacceptable for women . . . just like facial hair. Sadly, in this day and age you can’t even give someone a sincere compliment on their mustache without her getting all upset and refusing to be your friend anymore.

I’m not 100% sure where that line in American culture happened where it started becoming femininely unacceptable to have hairy pits. I do get the motive for shaving them though, kind of.

So the other morning I woke up, sat up on my side of the bed and lifted up my left arm to scratch my actual bed-head matted hair and experienced a rather uncomfortable pulling sensation in my left armpit. Upon closer examination I noticed that during the night some of my pitter hairs decided to have a late night Tango dance party and managed to get a little tangled in the process, refusing to notify me of this until I unsuspectingly raised my arm.

No, I did not attempt to comb it out. I simply treated it like a Band-Aid and with a quick yank removed the gripping cluster from its friends and family while muttering a few choice colorful metaphors. After the swearing stopped, that’s when the thought crossed my mind—Maybe I should consider shaving my pits? I would never have to worry about finding myself in that situation again . . . the only problem, and this is when the reality of the situation soaked in, I hate to shave. I don’t sport a few days growth and only shave once a week because I’m trying to go for the rugged, 5 o’clock shadow look, it’s because I hate to shave, and I usually only get around to it when it starts to itch. Besides, no one wants a pit full of razor burn. Ouch!

Also, I remember that puberty thing when my pits first started sprouting hair, and you know what? It itched like a sonofabitch. It is thanks to that miserable memory that I would never shave my pits. By the time I would get around to shaving them again, I would be in the throes of itchiness, and constantly scratching my pits (even if it only happened once a week) is not a Smirk inspired way to spend your day.

You know, I wonder if my hate of shaving carries over to my hate of mowing the lawn, because honestly isn’t mowing just a way of shaving your lawn when it gets to long?

Arm pit hair is a funny thing because I don’t think it has ever been considered an attractive aspect of the human body. I’ve met plenty of men that look at women with hair armpits and get totally grossed out, likewise I’ve had a group, or even one woman swooning at the sight of a man’s hairy pits either. It’s an odd double standard really. Personally I don’t think it matters one way of the other. Ultimately if it is more comfortable to shave them, do it. If it’s not, don’t. Your sex should have nothing to do with the decision, at least that’s the way I see it.