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by Richard Timothy | Apr 5, 2010 | Holiday Banter, I Just Don't Get It, I Think There's a Point, My List of Things that Don't Suck, Non-Fiction, Observationally Speaking, Public Service Announcement
With Easter arriving on a Sunday this year, I found myself a wee bit distracted from the documenting Smirkful observations and spent the day with family. Besides laughs and conversation, it also included consuming chocolate, food, chocolate, sugar dipped marshmallow baby chickens, and hard boiled eggs… and chocolate. There are some holidays that carry with them certain smells that when you come across them reek that the holiday has arrived. The smell of evergreens filling the house will always announce to my nose that Christmas is here. Just like the smell of the mingling aroma of baking pumpkin pie and cooked turkey slaps my taste buds into a confusing state of mouth watering appreciation which can only be defined as Happy Thanksgiving. (I say confusing because I hate pumpkin pie, but do enjoy a real turkey out of the oven.)
Then there is Easter, which unfortunately carries with it the ominous odor of chocolate covered egg burps. I’m not saying this is how I want to remember the holiday. It’s just that over the year’s one of the most common reoccurring fragrances that Easter has always offered it the pungent smell of hard boiled eggs with just a hint of chocolate from all those damn Whopper Robin Eggs.
With Easter now over with, and with the bargain shoppers now rushing to all of the grocery stores to buy carts full of 50% off Easter candy and holiday décor that will be used next year, what better time than now to learn a little something about this holiday. Apart from the unfortunate smells associated with it.
If you know anything about this holiday it’s that you can’t have Easter without the Pagans. Granted there are a number of holidays we wouldn’t have without the Pagans. That being said… thanks Pagans. What few people know is that the name Easter comes from mistakes that were made in the east, as in east errs. Ok, I made that up. According to a fair amount of random internet sources that I perused for the sole purpose of shared enlightenment the word Easter comes from the name Eostre, who as the Great Mother Goddess of the Saxon people in Northern Europe. Apparently the name of the goddess originates from the ancient word for spring (or eastre), and a festival was held in her honor every year at the vernal equinox.
Regardless of your beliefs, Easter is a salute to spring. For the Earth, spring is a very literal type of resurrection, renewal, rebirth, regurgitation… of sleeping vegetation, and other “re” words that would require much longer explanations as to how they relate to Easter, but that I really don’t want to get into. For Christians and Pagans alike it represents either the symbolic or literal resurrection of a god. Of course, this is dependent on either what kind of Christian or Pagan you are.
In Gerald L. Berry’s book “Religions of the World,” he wrote:
“About 200 B.C. mystery cults began to appear in Rome just as they had earlier in Greece. Most notable was the Cybele cult centered on Vatican hill …Associated with the Cybele cult was that of her lover, Attis (the older Tammuz, Osiris, Dionysus, or Orpheus under a new name). He was a god of ever-reviving vegetation. Born of a virgin, he died and was reborn annually. The festival began as a day of blood on Black Friday and culminated after three days in a day of rejoicing over the resurrection.”
That’s not all though. I know for me Easter has and will always mean one thing that thing is bunnies! And from here on out, it’s only predominantly going to mean Flemish bunnies. They are both adorable and huge. I have only recently been introduced to these massive creatures of fluffy adorability, and quite honestly, I have been waiting for Easter to arrive so I could share their existence with others… mainly because of the flawless segue I would be able to make from Easter Bunny to Flemish rabbits. Oh damn, I forgot to talk about the Easter Bunny.
Well, according to the myth, the Easter Bunny is a rabbit-spirit. Before being referred to as the Easter Bunny, he was called the “Easter Hare.” The reason being that rabbits and hares are renowned for having frequent multiple births. Because of this they became a symbol of fertility. The practice of the Easter egg hunt began because children believed that hares laid eggs in the grass. In looking more into this I found that the Romans believed that all life comes from an egg, forever answering the age old question of which came first the chicken or the egg. I also read that Christians considered eggs to be the seed of life, thus making the eggs symbolic of the resurrection of Jesus. Also, on a side note, I’d like to point out that once you devil eggs, they do become rather tempting.
Right, so Flemish rabbits, or as they are commonly referred to the “Flemish Giant” breed of rabbit, are the super sized options of the bunny kingdom. Some of these Bugs-like offspring have been reported weighing as much as 28 pounds (13 kilos). That’s like a Thanksgiving sized rabbit, and you probably wouldn’t even need any stuffing. Although you’d still have some because it’s stuffing, and stuffing is the delicious love child of a pride of garden herbs and a gaggle of croutons that have been spending too much time in a sauna. 
And no, I’m not recommending, suggesting, or in any way inferring that we should consume these large furry bouncing ground clouds of happiness. I was just making a very poorly thought out size juxtaposition, which I am not proud of. A better comparison would be canine. I mean they might not weigh as much as a golden retriever, but they could look it. Besides, everyone knows that visually speaking the fluffiness adds at least ten pounds.
My gripe with the present day celebration of Easter is psychological trauma that children suffer from in regards to how the holiday is usually celebrated. I am, of course, referring to all the children who are graced with a large collection of sugar infused goodies. After consuming as much of the candy as possible they are taken to some type of ceremonial activity and expected to be well behaved and quite while some religious themed message is shared to a group of attendees.
Getting your kids all jacked up on sugar and then punishing them because they were fidgeting, or screaming and running up and down the aisles as fast as they can is poor parenting, period. How is it possible that anyone be surprised that their children are behaving badly after you have just enabled and encouraged them to overload on sugar is like getting a Brazilian hot wax treatment and then acting all surprised that it hurts. It baffles me… on both accounts, the feeding candy to kids then yelling at them for being hyper bit, as well as the hot wax bit.
Regardless of your feelings about Easter and its symbolism and origins I think there is one thing we can all agree on… the urge all of you have, myself included, to pet one of those Flemish Giant rabbits. When I think of Flemish Giant rabbits I can’t help but think of Hugo the Abominable Snowman, who summed things up perfectly when he said, “Just what I always wanted. My own little bunny rabbit! I will name him George, and I will hug him, and pet him, and squeeze him.”
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2JlVqfC8-UI]
Any Easter, or more importantly, Flemish Giant thoughts?
Image Sources:
Google Images, key words: Flemish Giant, Flemish Giant with dog, Easter, Eostre, and kids eating Easter candy.
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by Richard Timothy | Mar 31, 2010 | Confessed Confidentially, I Think There's a Point, Non-Fiction, Observationally Speaking, Public Service Announcement
The battle of the sexes, it’s a battle that has been going on as long as there has been sex, well sexes. It’s not so much a battle type battle, like Helm’s Deep or… um, Highlander I guess. No, I mean that battle of perspective where discussions happen on epic levels about issues that makes no sense to one sex, but perfect sense to another.
Actually, I think to get as accurate as possible, it’s not so much a sex thing as it is a personality type thing, namely the masculine and feminine personality types. This is not the same thing as male and female. I have met some very feminine men and very masculine women. I myself have been known to have some typically feminine perspectives about some commonly male topics, like football for example. Of course there are exceptions to the rules, but for the sake of today’s Smirk the thing to remember is that they are exceptions and not the standard traditional stereotype.
So what am I talking about? What is this topic of endless hours of banter between the masculine and feminine personality types? Nothing less than the always controversial topic of… throw pillows. Here let give you a conversational setting that cover both perspectives on this topic:
Feminine (F): I got some new throw pillows.
Masculine (M): Ok… um, why?
F: Because they’re pretty.
M: I can see that, but they don’t look very comfortable.
F: You don’t use them.
M: You mean you bought pillows that are not meant to be used?
F: Of course you use them.
M: What? Wait do can I or can’t I use them to sleep on.
F: You don’t use them to sleep on.
M: Then what’s the point?
F: They’re throw pillows. They add color and design to places in the home.
M: But you said we don’t use them.
F: Not like you mean when you say use.
M: So they serve absolutely no functional purpose?
F: Yes they do.
M: Like what?
F: They’re pretty!
And this is where people voices generally tend to increase in volume as the circular conversation continues, sometimes for hours.
For the feminine perspective throw pillows fall under the visually aesthetic realm of things that help make the world more beautiful, especially your home, apartment, flat, bungalow, etc. The main point that the masculine perspective always fails to realize is that for the feminine something that helps an area look prettier constitutes as a very viable and real functionality.
For the masculine perspective somethings can be pretty, but it becomes much prettier if that object is functional, like Italian leather shoes, or a fully restored cherry condition 1969 Mustang. The concept of throw pillows falls into pointless frivolity on a number of levels for a number of reasons. The first and most obvious reason is the feeling of utter pointlessness the masculine type gets when looking at one.
Personally I think the main problem comes from the name throw pillow. You have two separate words that when the masculine perspective combines them together they automatically think that they are specially made pillows for optimal striking in a pillow fight setting. To the masculine a throw pillow should be the ninja star of the pillow industry. A pillow that you can throw at advancing pillow toting minions in a goose down battle for control of the house… or television remote at the very least.
When the masculine type first learns that throw pillows are not to be thrown in any context what so ever, it creates a sort of syntax error is almost the human equivalent of the blue screen of death. Even after they reboot, the idea of gently moving the arsenal of things called throw pillows from the bed to a designated storing area on the floor makes their brains cry a little.
The end result of this debate consists of two separate resolutions that each type chooses to not tell the other. The masculine rejects the functionless attributes of the throw pillow and uses them whenever the feminine is away. This rarely allows for a comfortable and deep sleep opportunity because the masculine has to be on their toes so they can place the used throw pillow in its place when the feminine returns home.
The feminine are well aware of this practice. The ware and oil stain left by a sweaty sleeping head on the throw pillow is a bit obvious even if the masculine can’t really tell. What this does is ignite a “I’ll show them” reaction in the feminine to purchase more throw pillows. The rational is that the old ones are becoming dirty and worn out. Besides it’s cheaper to buy new throw pillows than it is to buy a steam cleaner. This also creates a desire in the feminine to find the holy grail of throw pillows. A completely functionless yet brilliantly beautiful throw pillow.
I am here to tell you that not only have I seen this holy grail throw pillow, but it lives at my house. That’s right, I am telling you we already got one. And you know what. It’s very nice. Seriously, when looking at it even I’ll say, “Oooo what a pretty throw pillow.” It’s about 14 inches by 14 inches and one full side is covered with ½ inch mother of pearl squares. Again, for the record I do concede it is very beautiful… and utterly useless, but very pretty.
It’s a debate that I don’t know will ever go away. The only real compromise I have been able to find is that for every two throw pillows the feminine type purchases the masculine type is allowed to trash one of them as they see fit. Yes this is a compromise, and believe me, to all you masculine types out there a 2 to 1 ration is actually pretty damn good odds in this situation. The thing is, the longer you take to wear out, trash, blow up, sneeze on, use in pillow fights for control of the remote, or use as a sponge to wash your car, the longer it will be before the feminine type purchases new throw pillows. Please note that both parties need to agree on this compromise before you, the feminine perspective, begins purchasing new throw pillows, and before you, the masculine perspective, begin lighting fires to existing throw pillows.
The throw pillow debate is one that has been going on far too long on this planet and it needs to stops. Can’t we all just get along?
Although, and this is a theory I’m making up on the spot here, if an alien race ever does attempt to invade our planet I honestly think we could avert it by simply introducing throw pillows to the feminine type aliens. Then all we’d need to do is get some popcorn, sit back, and enjoy the show.
Any throw pillow thoughts from your end?
Images Sources:
Google Images, key words: bed pillows, pillow fight, mother of pearl throw pillow, throw pillows, and battle of the sexes.
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by Richard Timothy | Mar 25, 2010 | Lightbulbs and Soapboxes, Non-Fiction, Observationally Speaking, Public Service Announcement, Reviewed and Recommended
Yes ninjafying, it is the ancient email etiquette art of making the email addresses disappear from an email you forward to a pack, group, clan, horde, legion, or nation of people. There is a plague that is sweeping the internet. It has been around as long as there has been a Forward option in your email. You know how it is, you are sitting at your computer minding your own business, checking movies times, reading blogs, or ordering something from Amazon, eBay, TigerDirect, NewEgg… shopping in general and you decide to check your email. As you open your in box you see the name of that one friend that 19 times out of 20 has sent you something with FW: in the subject line.
The FW: prefix is an amazing thing. It automatically identifies the email as something meant to be funny, or chain letteresque, or some type of political propaganda, or faith promoting story… in short something that someone liked enough to send on to you. More importantly though, FW: is an identifier for an email that can more often than not be deleted without you having to even look at.
I have two friends (yes, Ryan and Kelly I am talking about you) that I adore who are my FW: email culprits. I think everyone who has an email account has at least one of these friends. Fortunately for me, these friends send predominantly funnies. 
Things that have made them laugh that they want to share with me. So I always opt out of the insta-delete and will open up the email to take a look. Sometimes it’s brilliant and gets me laughing. Other times… well, its attempt at humor is remnant of Eddie Murphy. He might have been funny twenty years ago, but he’s sure not funny now, although for the record that song he did with Michael Jackson will never stop being funny, especially because it was never meant to be.
So for the FW: emails I don’t enjoy, off to the virtual trash can they go. It’s not that I want these friends to stop sending me things that make them smile and laugh. I always appreciate that they want to share these things with me. No, the problem I have and the plague I am talking about the lack of people using the BCC function when forwarding these mass forwarded emails. To be fair though, they probably don’t even know about this function and what it does. I know I didn’t until about a year ago.
The thing that always makes me cringe, whether the FW: email is funny or not, is the endless access to all the random email addresses that appear in the FW: email, and knowing that my email address is now part of this parade of a potential fountain of virtual spam. Think I’m kidding? Look at the last FW: (or Fwd:) email you received and count all the email addresses that are present. In the last one I received there were 78 total email addresses. That means there are 76 strangers (excluding myself and the friend that sent the email) email address I now have access to. Plus, if it keeps getting passed to others that means that there are now 100’s of strangers out there that now have access to my email address. And all it takes is one of them to be the type of person that would give all those address to some spam site for some cash and… well yeah, that’s all it takes.
All of a sudden I’m getting 30 to 100 spam emails every day for things like Meds from Canada, Credit Card Applications, All natural male enhancement free trials, going back to school, buying a new car, spam, spam, spam, spam… and I don’t mean that in a Monty Python kind of way. I know this might seem a little odd coming from someone what has his email address displayed on his blog so that everyone on the internet who wants it can find it, but I also know there are a number of reader, friends, and family who don’t want 100s or even 1000s of strangers having access to their email.
This is an easy fix, people just need to be made aware of it. So today’s blog is a public service announcement. Please send this all of your FW: email friends. Hell, just cut and paste this next little bit if you don’t want to send the whole thing, I don’t care. We need to let the people that are doing all of the forwarding to know about this. The key is that we learn and practice a little email etiquette, with the hope that is will help cut down some of the spam that attacks us on a regular basis.
If you get a FW: email and you enjoy it enough to forward it to others please follow these simple steps after you click on the Forward button, link, option, etc:
- Delete all of the emails displayed in main body of the email.
- Click on the Show Cc & Bcc link if the Bcc field is not already available to you.
- Enter all the email address you want to forward the email to in the Bcc field.
- Click on the Send button, link, option, etc.
Bcc stands for Blind Carbon Copy and what this means is that no one’s email address will appear in the email, except for the sender (you) and the person opening the email. It’s a brilliant little feature. If you forward the email to twenty different friends, each one of them will get the email and will only see your and their email address.
I know, today’s Smirk is not so much Smirkful as it is useful. It’s a good thing to know though, and it’s the polite way to forward an email to more than one person. It looks better and it adds a personal touch, because it looks like you sent the email just to them instead of them and 50 other people.
What are your thoughts?
Image Sources:
Google Images, key words: Bcc, spam email, email etiquette, and Whatzupwitu.
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by Richard Timothy | Mar 20, 2010 | I Think There's a Point, Lightbulbs and Soapboxes, Nearly News, Non-Fiction, Observationally Speaking, Public Service Announcement
One thing about the news and its loss of ethics and inability to report any actual news is that you occasionally get a story that puts the fu back in funny… no, that’s not right. It puts the ew back in news… no, that’s not it either. Regardless of whatever gets put wherever, there are some headlines that just put a smile on your face. Case and point:
Christians Urged to Boycott Glenn Beck
Now for those of you who may not know, Glenn Beck is a pundit, which one would hope means someone who is good at puns. Turns out it just mean he’s a news opinionist, or simply put, he’s someone who attempts to pass off personal opinion as solid news facts. It’s amazing how misguided people can become when they rely on something they randomly hear and fail to do any personal research of their own to verify or dismiss something as news or fact.
According to the article Glenn told Christians to leave their churches if they heard any preaching about social or economic justice because, he claimed, those were slogans affiliated with Nazism and Communism.
The article goes on to explain that Glenn is a convert to the LDS faith (a Mormon) and that, “Even Mormon scholars in Mr. Beck’s own church, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, said in interviews that Mr. Beck seemed ignorant of just how central social justice teaching was to Mormonism.”
First off, this is not a jab at anyone’s faith or religion. No, this is a jab at a stupid man that apparently has no idea about some of the key teachings of his faith and religion. At least that’s my opinion on the matter. Now I’ll admit I’m not a fan of Glenn. He is the Snidely Whiplash to my Dudley Do-Right, the Audrey II to my Seymour, or the Smokey to my Bandit. And I admit that I do get a little smile on my face when I see a man like Glenn open his mouth and insert his fist… foot… elbow… whatever really, or all at the same time. I’m not that picky. I figure as long as you can’t understand what he’s saying it’s a win for everyone.
For a radio personality turned Fox News poster child, he is good at what he does. He works at it too. He rehearses both dialogue and emotion so that he can give a more powerful presentation to his viewers. He even makes sure that he can cry on queue. That is a man who is dedicated to giving people their money’s worth.
In fact when Glenn first started crying on the news there was another pundit that took up the slack and addresses the whole situation in the only way he knows how, by mocking it. Mr. Stephen Colbert shared his opinion on this whole topic on his very own made up news show. I couldn’t find the video by itself so you’ll need to use this link to go to the article that has the video in it. It thought it was pretty funny. If you enjoy Colbert, it’s definitely worth the viewing.
I’m sure I could keep going off on the subject, but the simple fact that I’ve devoted even one Smirk talking about this man has may me feel all dirty inside… and not in the good way. I’d like to close with one main soapboxed item, and that is… help others.
Contrary to Mr. Beck’s perspective on the matter, helping others and feeding the poor and hungry does not make you a Communist or a Nazi. Also, I think it equally important to point out that helping others and feeding the poor and hungry doesn’t define you as a Pagan, Buddhist, Christian, Pastafarian, or any other belief structure label. What it does define you as is a good and decent person.
Well, thanks for humoring me. I’m getting off my soapbox now. Although, I’d like to go on record with Christian leaders around the US and recommend to all of you to boycott Glenn Beck. I do think the world’s quality of life will improve if we do.
Any thoughts on the topic?
Image Sources:
Google Images, key words: news and soapbox.
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by Richard Timothy | Mar 15, 2010 | I Think There's a Point, Lightbulbs and Soapboxes, My List of Things that Don't Suck, Non-Fiction, Observationally Speaking, Public Service Announcement, Reviewed and Recommended
Together… its one of those cuddly words that keeps you encouraged as you go through life trying new things and most of the time it makes what you are doing better, case and point, watching MST. I enjoy watching MST, but I do have some friends that add to this experience. I don’t enjoy watching MST with them, I LOVE watching MST with them. It makes the lame jokes smileable, the smileable joke laughable, and the laughable joke… well let’s just say that I’ve been known to push pause and have a little potty break due to unrelenting laughter. Together the experience is vastly better.
Together Frodo and Sam left the Shire for an adventure that be summed up only by saying, “they had a hell of a time” and not in a good way. Still, we did get three painfully long movies to enjoy as a result of them leaving the shire. Likewise, together the Goonies found One Eyed Willie. Together Igor and Dr. Frankenstein created life. And together the Emperor and Vader took control of the universe.
Hmm, ok so maybe the last two were not the best of examples, but you get the point. There are many groovy things that can happen when people start working together. In fact, one of the greatest novels of all time was the result of two brilliant authors working together. Of course I am referring to none other than Good Omens. A book that I believe everyone should own and that should be placed in hotel rooms around the world to accompany that other hotel room book. Hey, all I’m saying is that people like options. Having only one book in a hotel room is the opposite of options.
You know, I had this friend use to steal Bibles out of hotel rooms. I always found it amusingly ironic that he was so hell bent on stealing multiple copies of a book that had an entire section devoted to instructing the reader that they should not steal. I mean sure, if he had stocks in a Gideon printing press it would make at least some sense, but no… no stocks, no rhyme, no reason. Well, maybe a reason. I think he was trying to impress some girl. Ah, the youthful attempts of trying to impress someone you fancy. Interestingly enough this is the exact same equation for making oneself look a little like a jack ass… who knew.
So Chris Brogan is a bit of a community and social media guru whose blog I check out a few times a week. If you have a business, I recommend reading his blog. One of the things I dig most about him is his reoccurring message of “together”… working together, creating together, brainstorming together, etc., and how, when we work together, we can reach more people and accomplish more than if we try doing it all alone. In fact it was on his blog that I originally saw this video:
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WfBlUQguvyw]
Click here if you can’t see the video.
The song… eh, I’m not a huge fan, but it not openly or angrily opposed to it either. But the video, I think the video is a brilliant example of people working together to create something that for the span it takes me to watch it, makes the world a better place. One of my favorite parts of the video is when everyone who is helping with it throws up their name in from of the camera. It a simple moment, but you get to see all of these different names in different languages in different hand writing. It’s a moment that shows this collection of people from all over the world working together to create something beautiful that makes me smile. Personally, I’ve never considered me smiling to be a bad thing.
I’ve discovered one of the grooviest things about my blog is you. I’ve met a number of fabulous people so far simply by explaining what I am doing and why I want to be friends. It’s been a brilliant experience. I’ve been introduced to some new novels and authors. Some of which I’ve now read. I’ve also been reminded of a few books that definitely deserve to be reread. I’ve met a few musicians. Some of you have shared your work with me and some of it has been grand… and then some of it has been, well, something that I have been able to suggest to others that I thought might enjoy it, but that wasn’t really my style of music.
I’ve received some amazing encouragement and incredibly helpful critiques… and through this whole process I’ve met some new people who I’m getting to know via their comments and Facebook wall posting that keep making me laugh. I’ve even received some words from people that have not so much encouraged as they have offered short messages about my inadequacies as a writer. Sometimes it’s a preference thing, and in some cases it’s helped me edit and update something that needed a little work that I had overlooked. So, a thank you to them and a thank you to all of you who read, smile, smirk, and laugh… and for letting me know.
I’ve also gotten some fabulous wine suggestions and drink recipes. Bea, the caipirinha was lovely and when I get a few more mixed drink recipes together I’ll make sure I share them with everyone.
I’ve even received a few suggestions for places to post my writing to introduce it to more people. And I have met a lot of fellow bloggers and writers. One such writer, Nora B. Peevy, recently sent me link to a rather groovy online search engine tool that could assist any writer who has a goal to get published, but is not 100% sure where to start. The site is http://duotrope.com/. It’s a free site and it allows you to search via genre, theme, length, pay, etc. for places that publish the type of writing that you do. So if you are a writer, check out this site of endless possibilities for places you can submit your writing, and hopefully you can get published. It’s a dream worth having and achieving.
Thank you Nora for sharing this with me so I could pass it on to others. Nora writes dark fiction and has been published a few times already (/cheer). In fact she has a new short story coming out in the June issue of Twisted Tongue. If you dig the dark fiction genre of writing you should check out her site and read some of her work.
So feel free to share with me. I think email might work best in this case. So send me an email if you think there is something we could work on together, or if you have something you just want to share that you think deserves a Smirk commentary or side note. Even if it’s something as simple as adding a splash of strawberry basil jam on your brie cheese when eating them with crackers… which is mind meltingly nummy, which is a lot like yummy only there’s a n involved. And on the delicious scale it fits right between “yummy” and “oh my (insert deity of your choice here) that’s good.” Plus, I’m pretty sure the strawberry-basil jam brie cracker snack would have been illegal during the cold war for both inspiring creativity and making people happy. If you happen to be one of those people that hate brie cheese… let’s just begin by agreeing to disagree and leave it at that. The one thing I hate more than carrots in Jell-o is having a “Doesn’t like cheese?” Wallace and Gromit moment with someone I find to be of a rather grand.
Anyway, thanks for reading and thanks for sharing. To you writers out there, I hope that site helps you out some. I know I’ll be utilizing it.
So, what do you think?
Image Sources:
Google Images, key words: together, Good Omens, thank you, and brie and jam.
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by Richard Timothy | Mar 9, 2010 | I Think There's a Point, Lightbulbs and Soapboxes, My List of Things that Don't Suck, Non-Fiction, Observationally Speaking, Public Service Announcement, When I Was a Kid
Music… it’s always been one of those unifying arts. The collection of chords and rhythm combined with lyrical accompaniment has been a catalyst for documenting and remembering very specific moments from my life. There are songs we use to rejoice and celebrate events and lives, gone, present and on their way.
There are songs that rejuvenate us using beats and chorus that instills in us an uncontrollable desire to move both emotionally and physically. Sometimes it’s a subtle as smiling as we tap of our toes and bob of our heads. Other times we let the power of the song flow thorough us and we stomp our feet and raise our hands above our heads in joy and adulation, while we sing out loud. Then there are songs that, well, let’s just say that there are entire city populations that owe their existence to three people, their mother, their father, and Barry White.
Music also instills in us very powerful and protective emotional reactions from their listeners. Think I’m kidding? Just try telling a Skynyrd fan that Skynyrd sucks and… I’m not sure you’ll get to the “and” part, before a beer bottle is used as an implement for getting you to shut up. Likewise, try telling a Lil… (some random rap artist) fan, sorry I don’t listen to rap so I’m not sure what artist in that genre has the more avid “most likely to attack you for bad mouthing them” fans. My rap education stopped around Run DMC’s team up with Aerosmith, and the Beastie Boys License to Ill album.
Then again, if you tell a Depeche Mode fan that their music sucks, they’ll most just avoid making eye contact with you and hope that you just go away. But once you do leave you can be assured that they are going to bad mouth you with each other and probably say a few profanities about your mother.
Then there is the same genre clash, questions like the Stones or the Beatles, Frank or Dino, Bell Biv Devoe or New Edition, or Joel or Mike. It’s something I think we all do. A sort or personal preference in genres that to the outside listener might not make a lot of sense, but to you personally, there is a line! The big one for me was the grunge movement that lasted about three weeks back in the early 90s. It was always Nirvana or Pearl Jam. I’m not sure why, but I could not stand Nirvana… I still can’t. I was always a fan of Pearl Jam, but Nirvana… it was the difference between using sandpaper or Kleenex to blow your nose.
Still, there are two things I’ve noticed over the years in regards to my attachment to music. First is the evolution in my musical listening repertoire. It altered immensely over the years. Song I swore I’d listen to all my life and want played at my funeral are now songs I can go the rest of my life without ever hearing again. Music I hated in my youth now has a place in my listening palate. Then there is some music that falls under the same category as fingernails on a chalkboard, dentists’ drills hitting an open nerve, or ally cats copulating at 3 AM outside your window.
The other thing is that my affinity and intense musical appreciation as been greatly reduced over the years. I know that the music industry is taking a huge bite due out of their profits due to piracy, but it’s kind of a double edged sword. I know that there are many people are leeching the creator’s talent, and that sucks. I do feel that if you love a song or an artist you really should pay them for the aspects of their creation that truly moves you. That is the brilliance of this whole electronic musical era. You can check out the entire album and then purchase only songs on the album that are worth a damn.
I think music piracy began as a result of years of fans being crapped on by the music industry in regards of quality vs. quantity of musical reward. Here’s what I mean. Remember back in the day when you would hear a song on the radio and become smitten by some catchy tune. The song was so brilliant that the only natural next step and option was to purchase the artists entire CD. Sure you could listen to the radio for hours so at a moment’s notice you record the song off the radio, but the damn DJs always talked through the beginning of the song…EVERY TIME! This is the key reason radio DJs are some of the most hated people on the planet.
A CD was your only option at getting an unviolated copy of the song. The problem was there was never a listen before you buy option. These CDs were always locked down. All you got was a sticker on the cover advertising that they performed the “Smash hit…” you were after, and a price tag letting you know the album would cost you about $15 to $20. I think the sale price was usually $13 to $15.
As you drove home you’d listen to the song that inspired the initial purchase over and over again. Then once you finally got home, you’d go to your room and:
- Place that “Do Not Disturb” door sign that you took from the hotel you stayed at while on vacation the summer before.
- Close the door.
- Place the new CD into your player.
- Have a moment of silence asking the music gods to bless your CD so that it would be the Holy Grail of all musical purchases you had ever made up to that point.
- And then press play so that you could properly take in the majestic brilliance that was your new musical purchase.
Things usually broke down like this (let’s say the CD had only 12 tracks)…
Track 1 – Listened to for 30 seconds… “Eh, it’s ok, but not really as good as track 3 (the reason for the purchase).”
Track 2 – Listened to for 25 seconds… “At least tract 3 is next.”
Track 3 – Listened to for the whole song… “Ahhhhh. That’s the stuff. I love this song.”
Track 4 – Listened to for 30 seconds…“Hmmm.”
Track 5 – Listened to for 25 seconds…“Still, track 3 is really good.”
Track 6 – Listened to for 10 seconds, skipped forward one minute, and listened to for 10 more seconds… “Lame”
Track 7 – Listened to for 10 seconds, skipped forward one minute, and listened to for 5 more seconds… “Sucks.”
Track 8 – Listened to for 10 seconds, skipped forward one minute, and listened to for 2 more seconds… “I should have just purchased the damn single.”
Track 9 – Listened to for 10 seconds, skipped forward one minute, and listened to rest of the song… “Eh, maybe… that might take a few more listens to get a proper feel for it.”
Track 10 – Listened to for 10 seconds, skipped forward one minute, and listened to for 5 more seconds… “Are they really this consistently worthless?”
Track 11 – Listened to for 10 seconds, skipped forward one minute, and listened to for 2 more seconds… “It would appear so.”
Track 12 – Listened to for 10 seconds, skipped forward one minute, and listened to for 2 more seconds… “$15 for only one damn song… worthless one hit wonders!”
Then, to feel better you would go back to track 3 and listen to it about 12 more times and then leave my room in a better mood, but still with a lingering hint of disappointed. Sure there were albums that were the opposite of this, 10 songs you loved vs. the 2 songs that sucked, but those were the exception and were a very rare occurrence at that. In my experience, for every ten CDs I bought, 7 to 8 of them were $15 singles that had 40 minutes of inexcusable musical vomit professionally referred to as filler tracks. One or 2 enjoyable songs, and then there was the one in ten that gave you the 3 or above ratio of songs worth listening to.
On a plus note, this corporate musical CD release practice of paying $15 for only one enjoyable song is responsible for a great deal of my profanity practice growing up. 
Again, I don’t feel bad for the corporations in, but I do feel bad for the artists. It was the artists that came before them that made all of those one good song CDs that ruined it for the musicians of today. It’s a kind of musical karma I think. If you give that much musical rubbish to the world, it’s going to come back and bite you where it hurts the most… and for the corporations it’s their wallet.
Just remember, if you pirate a CD, at least remember to go online and purchase the song that motivated you to rip the CD in the first place. Rarely is an entire album with the entire purchase, if a song give you joy, tip the artist a dollar as of way of saying thank you.
Any thoughts on today’s Smirk?
Image Sources:
Google Images, key words: music, plug ears, cd shop, and tip jar.
With Easter arriving on a Sunday this year, I found myself a wee bit distracted from the documenting Smirkful observations and spent the day with family. Besides laughs and conversation, it also included consuming chocolate, food, chocolate, sugar dipped marshmallow baby chickens, and hard boiled eggs… and chocolate. There are some holidays that carry with them certain smells that when you come across them reek that the holiday has arrived. The smell of evergreens filling the house will always announce to my nose that Christmas is here. Just like the smell of the mingling aroma of baking pumpkin pie and cooked turkey slaps my taste buds into a confusing state of mouth watering appreciation which can only be defined as Happy Thanksgiving. (I say confusing because I hate pumpkin pie, but do enjoy a real turkey out of the oven.)
If you know anything about this holiday it’s that you can’t have Easter without the Pagans. Granted there are a number of holidays we wouldn’t have without the Pagans. That being said… thanks Pagans. What few people know is that the name Easter comes from mistakes that were made in the east, as in east errs. Ok, I made that up. According to a fair amount of random internet sources that I perused for the sole purpose of shared enlightenment the word Easter comes from the name Eostre, who as the Great Mother Goddess of the Saxon people in Northern Europe. Apparently the name of the goddess originates from the ancient word for spring (or eastre), and a festival was held in her honor every year at the vernal equinox.
That’s not all though. I know for me Easter has and will always mean one thing that thing is bunnies! And from here on out, it’s only predominantly going to mean Flemish bunnies. They are both adorable and huge. I have only recently been introduced to these massive creatures of fluffy adorability, and quite honestly, I have been waiting for Easter to arrive so I could share their existence with others… mainly because of the flawless segue I would be able to make from Easter Bunny to Flemish rabbits. Oh damn, I forgot to talk about the Easter Bunny.
And no, I’m not recommending, suggesting, or in any way inferring that we should consume these large furry bouncing ground clouds of happiness. I was just making a very poorly thought out size juxtaposition, which I am not proud of. A better comparison would be canine. I mean they might not weigh as much as a golden retriever, but they could look it. Besides, everyone knows that visually speaking the fluffiness adds at least ten pounds.
Getting your kids all jacked up on sugar and then punishing them because they were fidgeting, or screaming and running up and down the aisles as fast as they can is poor parenting, period. How is it possible that anyone be surprised that their children are behaving badly after you have just enabled and encouraged them to overload on sugar is like getting a Brazilian hot wax treatment and then acting all surprised that it hurts. It baffles me… on both accounts, the feeding candy to kids then yelling at them for being hyper bit, as well as the hot wax bit.
