Thought of the Day, Nov. 5
I think it’s about time Taylor Swift wrote a song and called it “Maybe I’m the Problem”.
I think I originally read something close to this off of some random person’s status. Thanks random person.
What Hump?
It’s a line you either know or you don’t, which I suppose could be said for so many of the lines from that film. It is one of those movies that sticks with you long after you’ve seen it, and carries with it the power to bring people together. It is also one of the few ways I’ve figured out how to reminisce with people I don’t know. You quote a line, and if they are in the know, they’ll quote one back. It’s a great way to have entire conversations with people without really talking about anything.
Spouting off your favorite lines from movies are one of those skill sets that may not have been useful to Liam Neeson in getting his daughter back, but it is a great skill set for getting people to talk to one another at a party while you’re waiting for the alcohol to show up.
The other thing I love about is that in the right circumstances you can reenact the entire film from that moment on. Those circumstances being, the other people in the room love and therefore have watched the movie as many times as you have, thus having the whole thing memorized.
So Cinemark (a movie theater chain) has been revisiting a few classic films over the past few months; showing one old movie for one night only, with a new old movie the next week. Well yesterday, on Halloween, they showed Young Frankenstein. Since this film was released the same year I was born, I’ve never had the chance to see it on the big screen. So between staying at home waiting for little people (kids) in costumes to show up on my doorstep, and plead for free candy, or going to see one of my favorite comedies on the silver screen, I figured the little sugar addicts would have plenty of ‘junk’ without my yearly contribution.
What I didn’t realize until after we got to the movie was that my sweetie-baby-cutie-pie-wifey-pooh had never seen this film before. I’ll admit, there was a part of me that refused to believe this was true, but as she started laughing at the lines, lines I have been regurgitating for close to thirty years now, there was a certain quality to her laugh that convinced me she was a Young Frankenstein virgin.
There’s a difference in laughing at something for the first time and laughing at something because you have seen it 100 times and your love and appreciation for it keeps you laughing every time you see it.
And even thought I wanted to quote every line right along with the movie, in much the same way as a teenage girl feels compelled to sing along to every song sung at every Adele concert ever, I employed a Jedi’s amount of self-control and refrained, mostly. There were a few times lines slipped out, and I found myself whispering, “Walk this way.”, “There wolf. There castle.” and, “Put the candle back!” at the appropriate times throughout the film.
Monsters, brains, henchmen, and laugh after laugh; all in all, it was a truly grand Halloween.
Image Sources:
Google Images, keywords: What hump, Young Frankenstein, and put za candle back.
Copyright © 2012 Richard Timothy
October . . . All This and Days Too
With the start of the new month it is once again time to take a closer look about our beloved “Look, pumpkins really do have a purpose!” month, and learn a few things you may not know about our tenth month of the year. The big American holiday this month is Halloween, which I have Smirked about in the past, and totally worth checking out if you have not read it yet (wink, wink, nudge, nudge).
As for the rest of the month, here’s what I found out, October is also, but not limited to:
- Adopt a Shelter Dog Month – I am allergic to these canine mongrels, so I get a pass for this one, but to those of you that might feel compelled to take part in this celebration, I would highly recommend that you do not do this every year, but only when you are dogless or when you dog could use a pal because all the kids have left for college and no longer has anyone to play with on a regular basis.
- Applejack Month – This is AWESOME! I had to look it up, but here’s what I found: “Did you know that Johnny Appleseed was really named John Chapman, and that he sewed his apple seeds throughout colonial Ohio and Indiana primarily for the purpose of providing rural farmers with hard cider and applejack, the most popular intoxicating beverages for country folk back then! The apple harvest and October’s chill have traditionally ushered in cider season, and applejack, a concentrated and higher proof version of hard cider is now an officially recognized part of that tradition. Happy National Applejack Month!”
- Breast Cancer Awareness Month – Also know and Pink Ribbon Month, at least it probably is, and if it isn’t, it should be. And I would like to add that if I had a job that required me to wear a tie, I would wear nothing but pink ties all this month. Maybe I can find some pink socks.
- Clergy Appreciation Month – Since I am officially clergy (check out my Reverend Smirk) and since I completely appreciate myself, I can definitely get behind this celebration.
- National Diabetes Month – My guess is that this is either the month dedicated to making people more aware of diabetes, and sharing tips for how to avoid getting it, or it is the month most likely to give people diabetes thanks to that evening of gluttonous candy consumption . . . actually it’s probably both.
- National Vegetarian Month – Why? Because Vegetarians are delicious!
- Sarcastic Month – Ohhh, an entire month dedicated to being sarcastic! What a brilliant idea! (/sarcasm off).
When it comes to week long celebrations, October starts off week one two topic of celebration, Get Organized Week and Customer Service Week. I think I’ll get organized this weekend, and by organized I mean I might consider dusting my office. Hey, a tidy office does not mean you are organized, but having no dust on all the crap you have stored on your selves . . . well if that doesn’t scream organized, I’m sure I don’t know what does. Then for customer service bit, I’m considering taking Friday off, that way I won’t have to deal with serving any customers at work. (Note: This Smirk was finished and posted on Friday, and guess what? I’m not at work! Shhhhh.)
Week two is another two-parter with Fire Prevention Week and Pet Peeve Week, which pisses me off, because I hate bears that try to tell me that I’m the only one that can prevent fires. The first time I heard that as a kid, it stressed me out. Talk about a lot of responsibility. I even kept a loaded squirt gun in my pocket for a week, just in case I came across any fires. The problem was it was a cheap squirt gun and was constantly leaking, so for a week I walked around looking like I had wet myself, hence another reason I hate that bear.
Week three is Pastoral Care Week, so I guess for you church going folk to show you care you could always make an extra effort to stay awake during your pastor’s sermon on the 3rd Sunday this month. For you non-church types, I plan on going to get a milk shake made out of pasteurized milk to show Louis that I do care about his gift to the world. Hey, Pasteur was the closest thing to a pastor I could find for the non-religiously inclined, and I think it makes a very good substitute for this week’s celebration.
Week four also has . . . nada. I could find anything for week four. Here, let’s just call it, Buy Candy for Strangers Week, since that is what the main focus for the week usually seems to be.
As for special days in the month of October, I managed to find 60+ different day celebrations. Today happens to be Do Something Nice Day and World Teacher’s Day. Considering I didn’t go to work today and that I’m posting a new Smirk for everyone to read and enjoy, I think I’ve done something nice for everyone today. To embrace this day fully I’d just like to say to Don Barrow, Steven Timothy, Billie Sessions, and Rebecca Clack, thank you for encouraging me to embrace my creativity and introducing me to a world full of art, both literary and visually.
As for the rest of the days, for the sake of avoiding a ridiculously long list, I’ll highlight just a few of my favorites:
- October 6 – Mad Hatter Day – In honor of the Alice’s Mad Hatter of Wonderland fame. So, I guess, put on a hat and enjoy some tea with your friends.
- October 11 – Take Your Teddy Bear to Work Day – I’m going to dress mine up like me, that way I can take a really long lunch and just place the Teddy in my chair and hopefully no one will notice I’m gone.
- October 12 – Moment of Frustration Day – Do you just save up this moment and then embrace your frustration on this day? Because if you are not likely to get frustrated easily, this day is going to go to waste.
- October 17 – Wear Something Gaudy Day – Sounds like the perfect day to get my ugly Christmas sweater out of storage.
- October 21 – Babbling Day and Count Your Buttons Day – In the event that you run out of things to babble about, you can always chat about counting your buttons.
- October 22 – Punk for a Day Day – I wonder if the punks dress like young Republicans on this day to level things out.
- October 29 – Hermit Day – This is supposed to be a quite day spent in seclusion, which, let’s face it, if more people celebrated this day correctly, it would be one of the best days ever to go to the movies.
- October 31 – Increase Your Psychic Powers Day – The nice thing is that since it is also Halloween, I would love to see the streets filled Star Wars fans walking up to strangers, make a subtle hand waving gesture, and then exclaim, “These are not the droids you’re looking for.” Not sure if that will increase anyone’s psychic powers, but it would be brilliant.
Well, that’s it for my highlight of a few October Holidays, it appears that a number of these days require a bit of dressing up . . . fancy that. I hope you found a smirk getting a little more awareness about this month. Cheers, and a Happy October to you all.
Image Sources:
Google Images, keywords: October, Applejack, Smokey Bear, Mat Hatter Day, and Not the droids you’re looking for.
Copyright © 2012 Richard Timothy
The Electronic Age of Low Self Esteem
There is a general consensus that our current age of electronic innovations help make the world a better place. I think in most cases they do, but there are always those little tweaks that need to take place along the way, and without those tweaks these innovations don’t always help.
At work they recently renovated the restrooms and installed a whole new row of electronic self-flushing toilets. The simple fact that these exist in the first place is a salute to the laziness of human race. It’s baffling to me that there are some people that view pushing down a handle too much work after they have finished using the restroom facilities. So to help enable these lazy people, someone developed a toilet that flushes for you . . . even when you don’t want it too.
I first time I found myself sitting on one of this new technologically advanced seats, I got a bit more than I expected. I moved from sitting upright to slouching over to take the iconic “thinker” position – flush. I reached out to touch the toilet paper – flush. I sneezed – flush. I threw my hands in the air in a “what the hell” gesture – flush. I was like a flushing announcement to everyone in the room that much more was going on in my stall than was actually going on. I even started holding my breath and holding perfectly still to limit the flush happy sensor.
By the time I finished, that damn toilet had flushed at least nine times in three minutes. I hadn’t wasted that much water since I was 10 and discovered you could lay out long rolled out piece of toilet paper. Then place one end of the paper into the toilet and flush. I’d laugh hysterically as the paper got sucked into the pot, kind of like it was sucking down a giant flat spaghetti noodle. I even got one of our cats chase it a few times. I even got it to almost dive head first in the toilet once trying to catch the paper.
The point being that these things that are supposed to help don’t always do that, and sometimes they can make things a little worse.
A few years ago my sister told me about a friend of hers. They were hanging out at a club one night and her friend when to the restroom to freshen up. Well as her friend leaned forward to look into the mirror to touch up her lipstick her heard a short buzzing noise. She stood upright and looked from side to side. There was nothing, and no one was in the room with her. So she leaned forward again to continue her primping, and sure enough the buzzing noise happens again. She looks around again, still nothing.
This little situation keeps happening for the remainder of the time she’s in the restroom, and finally, after clearing up any smudges and smears that may have occurred as she had been dancing she turned around to leave and there stuck to the wall was the buzzing culprit, an electronic paper towel dispenser. Every time she leaned forward her backside set off the sensor and it would spit out a piece of paper towel. The dispensed towel was all the way to the floor and starting to pile up by the time she turned around.
She rushed out, found my sister, and report to her that, and I quote, “My fat ass kept setting off the paper towels.” She was already concerned about the size of her derriere, and this experience only helped to reinforce the belief that it was much bigger than it actually was, thus aiding in the lowering of her self-esteem.
Now even though my ass has never signaled to a paper towel dispenser that I need a sheet as I bent over the sink to wash my hands, I can see how I might take it a bit personally. And now thanks to that type of experience, technology has aided humanity to create the, “Does this sink make by butt look big?” conversation . . . A conversation I never would have imagined possible.
Image Sources:
Google Images, keywords: tweaks, toilet flushing, electronic paper towel dispenser, and does this sink make my butt look big.
Copyright © 2012 Richard Timothy
The ‘Not so Much a Miracle’ Whip
As an average person who enjoys the occasional television show, and, just like anyone who has ever enjoyed the brain numbing effects of spending an hour or so in front of the t.v., I too have a deep rooted despise for the one thing that constantly detracts from my favorite shows, those damn commercials.
Every once in a great while I’ll admit there are some commercials that I might refer to as clever or a good ad, but sadly due to the unrelenting redundancy of these ads, they go from clever to unrelentingly annoying after the third viewing in an a half hour time slot. As a result I consider commercials to be the leading cause of lowered brain activity and ADD and the world. To counter this, I have started hitting the Mute button every time a commercial comes on. This has helped reduced my instant and uncontrolled distain for companies and their products, and in turn makes my life a much more relaxed and groovy experience.
I’ve noticed that my intense dislike for commercials has made me a bit more critical about ads and the message they are trying to convey. One commercial campaign I’ve noticed lately that seems incredibly poorly devised is the one for Miracle Whip.
In the one commercial I’ve seen it plays out a parody of the Scarlet Letter, but instead of a big red A on the lady’s chest there is a red MW instead. The other puritans in the township seemed moved to possible inflict harm on her for being a Miracle Whip supporter, and in the end she is saved by the town preacher who too has a MW fetish and has been hiding the red MW red letters pasted on his chest under it over coat. The commercial ends with the slogan “Keep and open mouth.”
Yes, ha ha, very punny using this play on words for the phrase ‘keep an open mind’. You commercial people must be so proud. Hey Kraft, if people literally keep an open mouth, guess what? No one is ever going to eat any of your products! It’s a stupid slogan and makes absolutely no sense. If you really want to get people to buy your (in my opinion) nasty product how about making an ad that says if you purchase Miracle Whip you will be entered into a drawing and the winner gets flown to L.A. for the sole purpose of repeatedly slapping the person that came up with the ‘Keep and open mouth’ ad campaign. Hell, I might even purchase a few bottles to up my chances at winning that honor.
And while I’m not the subject, Miracle Whip? Really? Anyone else find flaw in this name? When I think of those two words together as the subject of conversation, a miracle whip is what I could call Indiana Jones’ second all-time most important accessory, only a notch below his hat, and not a pigmently challenged goo that has the same consistency as the filling of a three year old lemon flavored Hostess Fruit Pie.
I suppose if they whipped a bunch of random ingredients together to create a mayonnaise substitute and made millions of dollars as a result, then yeah, I might call that a miracle. Still, that miracle happened after they had named this substance. So it still doesn’t really fit. At least they didn’t call it ‘I Can’t Believe It’s Not Mayo’, because anyone who has ever tried this produce can believe it’s not mayo. Likewise, at least they didn’t try to combine the tangy element of the product with the name of the substance they are trying to replace, so jars with names like Tangonase, Maytang, or Mayotango never made it to the store shelves. So, I guess in that regard, we all owe Kraft a miniscule amount of thanks.
If you love it, hate it, or are completely ambivalent toward it, I hope that we can agree that their ‘Keep an Open Mouth’ campaign truly is in poor taste.
Image Sources:
Google Images, keywords: Miracle Whip
Copyright © 2012 Richard Timothy
September . . . All This and Days Too
With the start of the new month it is once again time to look closer and learn a few things you may not know about our ninth month of the year. The big American holiday this month is Labor Day, which always takes place on the first Monday of September. This day is dedicated to the laborer, the working man . . . you know, the guy who is always there at the petrol station on at 2AM on a Friday with a variety of refrigerated beer always at the ready and is amazingly fluent in drunkenese, and slur slang. Well, except that that guy never gets Labor Day off because he has to work. Okay so maybe it’s follow through as a holiday is a little flawed, but as an idea for a holiday, it’s pretty solid.
I was curious to learn more about some of the other holidays this month. Here’s what I found out, September is also, but not limited to:
- Classical Music Month – To help you embrace this month I highly recommend you watch Benjamin Zander’s TED talk about classical music. It’s worth the 20 minutes and it will make your life a little better as a result.
- Hispanic Heritage Month
- International Square Dancing Month – Just make you don’t have any Hatfield or McCoy’ on the dance floor at the same time.
- National Blueberry Popsicle Month – Looks like I’m stopping at the story on my way home from work.
- National Courtesy Month – I wonder if this is treated like a leap year, since every four years there is an US Presidential election and we know by this current election (and past elections) that courtesy is a concept that neither party even vaguely understand.
- Baby Safety Month – Which reminds me, I have a peach tree in my back yard. I should probably go check on it.
- Self-Improvement Month – This would be a good month to start reading Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance, although I’ll be honest motorcycles do scare me a little, unless of course I’m riding one. In that case, I’m probably wetting myself from terror.
When it comes to week long celebrations, September starts off week one (always the 1st – 7th) with Child Injury Prevention Week. My first recommendation for this week is for all people across this entire planet to purchase and use condoms. Hey, the best way to prevent child injury is by not having any children. However, for those of you with kids, in addition to the condom thing, you could always make sure your kid is wearing a helmet and elbow and knee pads before leaving the house, because we all know that’s one of the best way for them to avoid injury, especially from the neighborhood or class bullies.
Week two is International Housekeepers Week, which could mean one of two things. Either it’s a week to for everyone around to world (who has housekeepers) to celebrate them, or it means that we are celebrating that we have international housekeepers (which comes across as a little racist). Also, isn’t this a bit counterproductive? If you have a housekeeper and you have a week-long celebration in honor of them, aren’t you just parting for a week, creating a huge mess, and at the end telling this person you are honoring to clean up the mess you made in their honor? Isn’t that kind of a douchebag thing to do?
Week three had a few celebrations dedicated for that week. The first being National Child Care Week, which is either giving thanks to those that watch your kids or being thankful that your child cares about, well anything really. It is also National Farm Animals Awareness Week, which, I guess is a reminder to us that farm animals are aware and that we should, um . . . eat less of them? Or it could just be that it’s a reminder to read Animal Farm or Charlotte’s Web. We also have National Flower Week, which if you were wondering is the rose. The rose was designated the official flower and floral emblem of the United States of America back in 1986.
Week four also has three different celebrations tied to it, the first being Equal Parents’ Week. I actually looked that one up since I had nothing. The holiday is about parents sharing equal responsibilities in raising their children, except when it comes to birth and breast feeding. I don’t think those responsibilities will ever be equal. For the next two week holidays I think we should just combine the two National Dog Week and National Roller Skating Week and have Bo (Obama’s dog, thus making him the National Dog) pull anyone who shows up at the White House with a pair of roller skates around the White House parking lot. I’d go to D.C. with some roller skates for my turn if they combined these two holidays like that.
As for special days in the month of September, I managed to find 60+ different day celebrations. Today happens to be Cheese Pizza Day and Be Late for Something Day. Hmm, maybe I should go get cheese pizza for lunch today and get back late from my break. I can’t imagine it not being excused. As for the rest of the days, for the sake of avoiding a ridiculously long list, I’ll highlight just a few of my favorites:
- September 6 – Fight Procrastination Day – This is great! There were a few things I’ve needed to take care of around the house and I was going to take care of them tonight, looks like I wait until tomorrow to get them done.
- September 7 – Neither Rain nor Snow Day – I sure hope it doesn’t rain or snow on Friday or this day will be completely pointless.
- September 14 – National Cream-Filled Donut Day – In a word, Mmmmmm.
- September 19 – International Talk Like a Pirate Day – I wonder if I could get away with writing all my memo’s in Pirate Speak on this Wednesday.
- September 21 – World Gratitude Day and International Peace Day – It would be nice if one of these times the Peace would actually stick.
- September 22 – Oktoberfest – This is the first day of Oktoberfest for a number of places . . . including my place.
- September 23 – Dog in Politics Day – Personally I think there is already too much of this and we really need to revisit this and make it “Get the Dogs out of Politics Day”.
- September 28 – Ask a Stupid Question Day – In honor of this day I will answer any stupid questions any of you want to ask me. Oh maybe I should do a Smirk on some of my favorite stupid questions I’ve ever been asked, or asked.
Well, that’s it for my highlight of a few September Holidays. I hope you found a smirk getting a little more awareness about this month, and I truly do how you can all admit to finding yourself happy this month. Cheers, and a Happy September to you all.
Image Sources:
Google Images, keywords: September, baby dos and don’ts, procrastination, and asking stupid questions.
Copyright © 2012 Richard Timothy