by Richard Timothy | Aug 2, 2010 | Fiction, I Do Suggest, I Think There's a Point, Observationally Speaking, Public Service Announcement
Have you ever be holding an animal of overwhelming adorability, like a puppy, or bunny, or kitty, or some other little fluffy animal ending with y? Then, as you are holding this ball of cuteness you are hit with this sudden urge, almost as if it were a sugar rush. It comes out of nowhere and the next thing you know you are filled with this intense urge to uncontrollably squeeze this implement (animal) of cuteness. It begins in your jaw, and as the feeling builds up, your jaw starts to clinch shut, tighter and tighter, until the teeth in the back of your mouth begin to ache a little.
Then the urge to squeeze kicks in, but the second it does so does a sort of mussel lock causing your whole body to flex, stopped any over squeezing to occur. While in this moment of impasse you mind is usually filled with the saying, “So are sooo cute! I can’t even stand it!” Sometimes this phrase is actually said to the animal, and other times it stays internal. This seizing moment is kind of like a conflict between instinct and your mental control over instinct. Your instinct is to uncontrollable squeeze this creature of such cuteness magnitude with no inhibitions, but you mind keeps you from doing that so you can continue to bask in a kind of cuteness euphoria.
It’s not just adults, although I think we have better mental control than kids. When kids get a hold of some type of creature of fuzzy cuteness, they will squeeze with no intent to stop, which is usually how they get bit, scratched, kicked, etc. This is why stuffed animals are such a hit for the little people of the world. With stuffed animals kids can release their cuteness overload and squeeze the stuffed animal with worry about harming anything alive in the process.
The reassuring thing is that I know I am not alone in this. I have seen kids and adults both go into these fits of over stimulated cuteness, and I’m grateful for that. It is still a little confusing though. I mean, where does this cuteness overload come from? Is it part of an anti-cuteness gene that science has not yet deciphered? Resulting in, when our cuteness sensors are over stimulated, an uncontrollable urge expel said object of cuteness so that we don’t overload to the point of self expulsion. Perhaps this is where the phrase, “So cute I could die,” comes from.
Because I see this as a bigger issue than it really is, I have given some though to ways that can help suppress this urge to uncontrollably squeeze a creature of cuteness. Here is what I have come up with so far.
Deterrent 1
When the overload feeling begins to build, imagine the animal you are holding as naked… well saved, shaven… without any hair. I think the fur is a direct component in the cuteness overload. When you think of a puppy with no hair you might still think it’s sort of cute or cute-ish, but you will attach more sorrow to the creature instead of cuteness. The result can lower the overload and cause you to feel sorry for the poor little thing instead. It can also cause you to expel such sounds as, “ohhhh” while softly laughing, because even though it’s not funny, it’s still a little funny.
Deterrent 2
Put the creature on the ground and play with it in a way that gives you physical distance from it. If it’s a kitten, have a piece of string you can taunt it with. If it’s a puppy get a tug-a-war rope, or ball, or laser pointer. It seems that direct physical contact with the cute culprit is responsible for the overload buildup. If you are not holding, petting, feeding by hand, etc. you will not experience this buildup.
Deterrent 3
Practice future visualization exercises. Imagine that the animal is now older and willing to pass gas while lying beside or behind the sofa while friends are visiting. It expels an odor so pungent that everyone leaves the room. This self projected future embarrassment should also help to alleviate the cuteness overload buildup.
And that’s all I have at this point. Just remember that it is a common human condition to be suddenly stricken with the urge to uncontrollably squeeze small fluffy animals registering in ultra high levels of adorability. It is also common for your body to experience a quick sudden seize up to keep you from over squeezing these animals. Do not feel bad about this, or think there is anything wrong with you. You are not alone and you are perfectly human. It’s just that I think at some deep genetic level we are all allergic to cute.
If you have any additional cuteness overload deterrents, please share. I for one would love to hear them.
Image Sources:
Google Images, key words: puppy, kid with stuffed animal, shaved puppy, and kitten with string.
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by Richard Timothy | Jul 26, 2010 | Fiction, I Think There's a Point, It Seemed Like a Good Idea at the Time, Observationally Speaking, Visual Smirk
I’ve been having a rather grand time posting a few random pictures on my Facebook page and thought it was be fun to share them here as well. I’ve been calling them “A Brief Moment in Human Ingenuity” and figured I’d include the first four and a few extra. I hope you enjoy Lessons 1 – 10.
A brief moment in human ingenuity… Lesson 1: How to keep your beer cold and clean.
A brief moment in human ingenuity… Lesson 2: How to wear a broken seat belt to avoid getting a ticket… (not recommended, ever).
A brief moment in human ingenuity… Lesson 3: Don’t be afraid to mark up your books, especially if they serve a structural purpose.
A brief moment in human ingenuity… Lesson 4: If bad weather is messing with your television signal… remove the weather.
A brief moment in human ingenuity… Lesson 5: How to conserve water and still use your dishwasher.
A brief moment in human ingenuity… Lesson 6: Duct tape use 147,872: car door handle… just add stick.
A brief moment in human ingenuity… Lesson 7: When duct tape fails to repair your car, there is always the zip tie.
A brief moment in human ingenuity… Lesson 8: How to renovate old entertainment centers to accommodate the new trend of wide screen televisions.
A brief moment in human ingenuity… Lesson 9: How to feed your baby it’s bottle and still still get something done.
A brief moment in human ingenuity… Lesson 10: Apart from saving lives, seat belts can also save you from having to listen to that annoying grinding noise from your dragging muffler.
Image Sources:
An e-mail from a friend.
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by Richard Timothy | Nov 19, 2009 | Fiction, Made-up Movie Reviews, Something I Know Nothing About
It’s time again for a made up movie review, and what better film to review than the upcoming sequel to the Twilight movie Twilight 2, The… um… The Shinning. What? I was told the fangy people start shinning when they become happy. Wait, actually I think that was Stardust.
Regardless the new title this new Twilight film, this movie has everything you could want in a monster film. There are vampires, werewolves, pygmies, Bruce Campbell, pagans, clowns, killer rabbits, and young republicans.
The film starts out with Bev, or… Betty? Just a sec let me look it up… Bella! Right, so Belle is working at the local animal shelter. Bella’s supervisor Bruce brings in a little bunny with a broken leg, telling her he rescued it from a local farmers rabbit trap, and asks her to mend it’s leg.
After putting a cast on the bunny, Bella is overcome by the bunnies softness and 
adorable nose wiggling skills and gives it a kiss. The bunny then it turns into a very attractive yet naked prince. Prince, um, Albert thanks Bella for removing his curse, and explains that months ago an evil witch turned him into a rabbit because he accidentally dropped a house on the witch’s sister. Granted, it was only a doll house, but the witch’s sister was in the form of a mouse at the time. The witch turned him into a rabbit because duck season had just ended and rabbit season was about to start.
As Bella listened to his story, the full moon comes out and to her horror and fascination the prince turns into a wolf of the were variety, which apparently means he just turns into a aggressively husky sized wolf. He howls, then snarls, then sniffs Bella, licks her nose and dramatically jumps through a window and runs back to his werewolf kingdom.
The next day Bella’s ex boyfriend, the sparkly vampire, hmm… Robert something, hell, we’ll just call him Bob, shows up to see if she might want to go to the prom with him since neither one of them had a date yet. As he gets close to her, he smells Albert’s saliva on her face. This causes Bob to start acting all pouty and uninterested in anything other than listening to The Cure and Depeche Mode. He also joins the after school theater club, but after getting passed up for the role of Dracula in the upcoming performance of Transylvania 6-5000, he acquires an addiction to Robitussin cough syrup.
Bella begins acting depressed in hopes that the cool kids that act depressed all the time might notice her and ultimately result in her getting asked to the prom. After being rejected by the cool kids pretending to be depressed she goes to an 80’s themed record store to get some sage like advice from the older lady working behind the counter. After listening to a song by Otis Redding she decides to go to the prom alone.
She arrives in a pink dress that she bought from a second hand store and then cut up and stitched back together creating a completely new dress. Albert meets her at the doors, in prince form, and tells her that he has always fancied her and would be honored if she would go to the prom with him. He then adds, “Oh, and I took some E about an hour ago so I’m totally going to start tripping soon.” Belle gets a little emotional, meaning she smiles, and kisses Albert. They then walk into the prom together.
The gymnasium is full of young republicans, who have already spiked the punch, and teachers dressed like clowns because the apparent theme for the prom that year was “The Carnival of Your Life.”
After consuming 3 bottles of Robitussin, Bob agrees to be dragged to the prom by all his other vampire friends. When Bob sees Albert with Bella he begins to cry loudly and openly in front of everyone. The vampire kids start getting embarrassed and the werewolf kids start laughing at the vampire kids. All the young republicans start clapping because they are not the ones being laughed at and want to fit in. Bob, realizing that people are laughing at him, becomes filled with teenage angst and walks up to Albert with fire in his eyes.
Bella tries to stand between them, but Albert pushes her aside, telling her that it’s a personal matter that is between him and Bob. As Bob gets up to Albert the excess of cough syrup in his system hits his gag reflex and he starts unloading a belly full of cough syrup on to Albert’s Hush Puppies. Albert yells, “Dude! Those were brand new!” Just then the moon comes from behind a cloud and shines on Albert, who instantly turns into a werewolf.
All the people who have not drank any punch scream and run away. The ones who have been drinking the punch stay close to the punch drinking more of it and ignoring everyone else. The vampires gather behind Bob, and as Albert snarls at Bob, Bob starts giggling profusely, due to the hallucinogenic effects of the cough syrup. Albert sniffs at Bob, trying to gauge the current threat level, and as he does Bob licks Albert on the nose.
Albert’s E is now in full affect and the sensation of Bob’s tongue on his wolf nose is so amazing that he begins licking Bob’s face. Soon the two are locked like lovers and rolling around the floor making out. All the others vampires and werewolves stare at the scene both baffled and oddly aroused by what they are witnessing. The hate is instantly broken. They start hugging and ask one another to sign their year books.
Fortunately Ducky had his Flip video recorder with him and recorded the whole make out session and put it on YouTube. 
After only two days the video is viral with over 30 million hits. Albert and Bob are both invited to appear on Letterman to talk about how they overcame their hatred for one each other and began healing two groups of people like creatures who had been fighting for centuries. They both thanked Bella for bringing them together and wished her a life of happiness.
The movie ends with Bella, sitting in the animal shelter, watching the interview. She’s still in her pink dress, which has not been washed in weeks, and has gained about ten pounds. The television explodes and as the smoke clears there is a wooden crossbow bolt sticking through the smoldering tv set. Bruce, her manager, walks up to her and hands her two six shooters and a box full of bullets saying, “They’re all silver, baby.”
Bella thanks him and heads for the door. As she walks into the darkness she whispers to herself, “Now all I need is the Ring of Mordor and my revenge can begin.”
by Richard Timothy | Oct 29, 2009 | Fiction, Made-up Movie Reviews, Something I Know Nothing About
Yes, its time again for the real reviews of actual movies that are completely made up. The reviews I mean, not the movies. Ok, well in truth the movies are made up too, but the movies are made up by others, and my review will have nothing to do with the actual movie.
That being said, I give you The Box. Not to be confused with “a box” but it is, in fact, THE BOX. The main difference being that Cameron Diaz is in some way connected to one, and not the other. And as a general rule of thumb if someone gives you a box with a Cameron Diaz in it, you give that thing right back. Trust me. You do not want that type of responsibility.
The Box is both a sad and depressing, yet light hearted and comical tale about a banshee with laryngitis. After centuries of screaming, Frank (James Marsden) loses his voice, resulting in the complete and total loss of his vitality and purpose as a banshee. Frank is put on mandatory leave until his voice returns.
Having no real home, because his work has kept him on the road his entire un-life, Frank ends up taking residency in a large empty box in the back yard of an old man named Bruce Campbell (Frank Langella), who is disfigured, and suffering from the early stages of Alzheimer’s disease.
Bruce decides to start smoking pot in hopes that it will help him forget that he is starting to forget, and hopefully forget what it is that he has forgotten. Not wanting to smoke in his house, Bruce decides to make the box his official smoking den.
We learn that the box was built as a fort by neighborhood kids who had long since grown up and moved away. Most of the old decorations had been removed from the box except for one, which was a picture torn from a magazine and tacked to one of the walls. It was a picture of Cameron Diaz.
Frank keeps himself hidden from Bruce for the first two visits to the box, but on the third visit, there is a chemical reaction between the exhaled smoke and Frank’s ethereal form. This causes Frank to appear to Bruce and to experience the effects of the marijuana. Soon the two become good friends, even though Frank still can’t talk. Also, the chemical reaction between the ethereal form and the pot causes the Cameron Diaz picture to come to life and have conversations with Bruce.
Fortunately, the film makers were wise enough to use Rachel Weisz as the voice over for Diaz. Additionally, you only see Cameron from the neck up in all of her scenes. Because of the lack of screen time and the fact we do not hear her real voice once throughout the entire film, it is my opinion that this is the greatest and most watchable Cameron Diaz movie ever made… so far.
Many wacky adventures ensue and the film wraps up with Frank getting his voice back. At Bruce’s request Frank does his patented banshee scream. The effect causes Bruce’s heart to stop mid puff. Smoldering ashes call to the floor and catch fire to the box. The Cameron Diaz photo burns up along with Bruce’s corpse. The shock of losing his first and only real friend removes the screaming desire that make Frank the banshee he once was. Staring at the fire, unsure what his un-life holds for him, Frank feels a hand on his shoulder. It’s Bruce, freshly ghostified and ready to play. The film ends with the two of them heading towards an Ivy League school, inferring that it would make sense that they would have the best pot.
For me this picture can be summed up in the last line of the film. Frank asks Bruce if they should try to save Cameron and bring her with them. To which Bruce replies, “I’d rather chop off my hand and attach a chainsaw to my bloody stump, baby.” Frank nods in agreement and they walk off as the box continues to burn behind them.
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by Richard Timothy | Oct 15, 2009 | Fiction, Made-up Movie Reviews, Something I Know Nothing About
Note: You can go to the bottom of this review for the short, short version of this review.
I have decided that the reviews of things I know nothing about should probably carry with them a disclaimer, so here it is:
This review is based solely on the authors own imagination and personal opinion. The author has received no information pertaining to the highlighted product prior to the writing of this review, except for any nationally released previews or other visual displays pertaining to the highlighted product. This review is not intended to be taken seriously, but if it is, boy are you (the reader) in for a big disappointment when you actually experience the reviewed product expecting it to reflect in any way, shape, or form, what the author made up. This review is purely for entertainment and satirical purposes. Please note that if the obvious fabrication of this review proves to be more entertaining than the actual product highlighted in this review, it is clear that the creators of the original product should hire the reviewer to assist them in creating a much better product in the future. In short, I wrote this so that people might laugh.
Sounded all professional didn’t it. So, without further ado, my review of Amelia…
Amelia Review (The Long Version)
Amelia (Hilary Swank) is based on actual rumors about events focused on love, determination and, a whole slew of other human emotions that cause you, the viewer, to be moved enough to wonder if such people ever existed. The setting of the movie takes place in a not so distant past, when men enjoyed bourbon for lunch and three dirty martini’s and a 16 ounce rare steak for dinner. Mayonnaise was added to every possible food dish made in the US and the mob was still run by gangsters that had funny names, but you would never tell them that because they would kill you and your whole family.
Working in a bubble gum manufacturing plant by day, Amelia is also a dancer by night, trying to make ends meet and to save enough money for her dying mothers liver transplant. When her mother’s health suddenly worsens, she decides to sign up for an experimental government project.
An hour before she is to go to the testing grounds, Bruce Campbell (played by Richard Gere) bursts into her home and tells Amelia that he is from the not so distant future and her continued existence relies on her going with him. She refuses to believe him until he pulls a digital camera out of his jacket and shows her pictures of herself in the future standing next to a Taco Bell.
With this irrefutable proof of his claims to be from the future Amelia goes with Bruce and for the next thirty minutes of the film you enjoy a montage of Bruce and Amelia going to a road trip cross country, telling jokes, laughing, and having picnics. The montage ends with the duo arriving at a mostly abandoned air field in the middle of the Nevada desert. There is a fully gassed secret military airplane waiting for them and one guard that is easily subdued by Bruce giving him the Vulcan nerve pinch.
As they take off, 50,000 National Guard appear out of nowhere and surround the air strip. Ten full minutes of weapons being fired and various empty building blowing up around the air strip ensue. As the explosions stop we see the completely unscathed plane climb into the clouds.
Bruce tells Amelia to take the controls while he goes into back of the plane. Amelia starts a monologue about the awe of flying and how someday she will be known for her love of flying, which she is experiencing for the first time. As she finishes her monologue Bruce returns to the cockpit, and she informs him that they are now starting to fly over the Pacific Ocean. How they arrived over the Pacific in such a short amount of time is a complete mystery.
A minute later Amelia tells Bruce that they are now 300 miles form the Californian coast and that they are flying into the middle of a big storm. As pieces of the plane begin to fall off, a space and time riff opens and Bruce and Amelia fly into the present. The plane lands at a Fox Searchlight Pictures studio secret base. They are greeted by some studio executives who hand Bruce a contract for him to start in two new Army of Darkness films. Bruce then sums up his role in the mission by saying, “I did it all for my art baby, but the picnics were groovy.”
Amelia is ushered into a small room and is informed that her mother’s surgery was a success. Her mother lived an additional 20 years, spending most of it searching for what happened to Amelia. When she asks to see her mother, Amelia is told that her mom has been dead for over forty years. Amelia cries.
Amelia is finally told why she has been brought to the future. Hollywood needed her to accurately tell and portray the story of the greatest female adventurer that most Americans have probably heard of, and that female adventurer was her. But to pull off the film, she needs to take on a new identity. We then experience another montage of Amelia becoming present day Hilary Swank, who is casted to start in the movie Amelia. The film ends as Amelia Earhart, who is now Hilary Swank, takes her place on the set as the first scene for the new epic film about Amelia Earhart begins shooting.
Amelia Review (The Short, Short Version)
Amelia (Hilary Swank) travels from the past to present day to become Hilary Swank so she can play the role of herself in a new Fox Searchlight Pictures film called Amelia, and Bruce Campbell (Richard Gere) helps.
It’s not just adults, although I think we have better mental control than kids. When kids get a hold of some type of creature of fuzzy cuteness, they will squeeze with no intent to stop, which is usually how they get bit, scratched, kicked, etc. This is why stuffed animals are such a hit for the little people of the world. With stuffed animals kids can release their cuteness overload and squeeze the stuffed animal with worry about harming anything alive in the process.
Put the creature on the ground and play with it in a way that gives you physical distance from it. If it’s a kitten, have a piece of string you can taunt it with. If it’s a puppy get a tug-a-war rope, or ball, or laser pointer. It seems that direct physical contact with the cute culprit is responsible for the overload buildup. If you are not holding, petting, feeding by hand, etc. you will not experience this buildup.
