by Richard Timothy | Feb 17, 2011 | Fiction, Made-up Movie Reviews, Something I Know Nothing About
This is a feature I have not done for over a year and one of the few that actually falls in the fiction category of things I write, for my blog anyway. Truth is, I think about doing this at least once every few weeks, but I always end up Smirking about something completely different. So today I figured “why not” and decided to create a new Smirk installment of a Made-up Movie Review. The rules are quite simple, I search the internet to find a movie that is coming out this weekend, which I will probably never see, unless I lose a bet or… no, I really do think that is the only reason I’d be found watching some of these movies… oh wait, that or unless they do a RiffTrax for the film, which is actually how I ended up watching Twilight.
After I find the film of expected avoidance, I then watch the preview for the film. I make a note of one or two lines, preferable taken out of context and write a complete review of the movie that is in no way related to the actual film… in short, I write something I know nothing about. So for today’s made up movie review, I give you “I am Number Four.”
The first concern I had with this film was its title. You know it is time to worry when the movie won’t even invest enough in the story to get names for the main characters. Although I will say that the studio was kind enough to start with Four as opposed to One, Two, or Three. Right off the bat we are informed that One, Two, and Three are already dead… sweet! In one sentence we have managed to skip an entire trilogy all ending in exactly the same way. So what makes Four so much better than his three predecessors? The simple fact that Four is very much alive.
Four, a teenager, who is played by a twenty-seven year old waiter in LA, finds himself is a small town in Ohio with no real connection or memory of his past. He lives with his legal guardian, played by Bruce Campbell, who watches over him and constantly reminds him that knowing about his past in not important. He uses a lot of hand puppets to get Four to open up and talk about his feelings. Each of these conversations ending with Bruce telling Four that feelings are not important, thus confusing Four as to why Bruce’s puppet friends wanted to talk about them in the first place. This causes Four to run out of the house in a rage of teenage angst.
As the days pass, Four begins to realize that he is not like the other teenagers. No teenager knows how it feels to feel out of place, without anyone to talk to, and on top of it all he has a crush on the popular girl who moved there from Arizona, but is really only interested in chiseled supernatural beings; all of whom seem to be on the same decoration committee for the prom. That weekend, as Four is spending it alone, having a John Hughes movie marathon, older men in black SUVs and wearing sunglasses at night, show up and try to kill him.
Bruce charges in with a chainsaw in one hand and a rifle in the other, and is quickly tazed, leaving him incapacitated and instantly forgotten about. As the men in sunglasses close in circling around Four, Sex… I mean Six, jumps into the middle of the action in a sexy, yet awesome stop motion pose, that we really only enjoyed once when we first saw the Matrix, and as her hand hits the ground palm down, all the men in sunglasses simultaneously fly into the air and are knocked unconscious as they hit the ground. As she spins her head around to look at Four she tosses the hair out of her eyes and says, “I’m Six.” Yes the sex interest in I am Number Four is named Six. Apparently someone thought it would be clever to have the name of the love interest and the main thing Four wants from the love interest to be separated by only one vowel.
“Yes you are,” retorts Four, “and sixy as hell.”
Six smiles, clearly accepting and encouraging this type of verbal banter, which lets us know that the rest of the film will be filled with sexual tension between the two and that the rest of the dialogue between them be filled with this style of banter, which never gets old ever… especially if you are fourteen boy and consider the Six/sex bit to be most brilliant play on words you have ever experienced in your entire life.
As Six and Four flee for their lives, Six informs Fours that he is not alone in the world. There are more people out there with numbers for names. Unfortunately there is a deranged evil leader guy of power that has created a task force dedicated to eradicating individuals who have a number for a name, explaining that One, Two and Three have already fallen victim to this evil group.
As the misunderstood teens continue to run, hide, get surrounded by men in sunglasses, and narrowly escape, Four begins to learn that he, along with having a number for a name, has super mutant powers… and a lot of them. The two decide to seek sanctuary at Xavier’s School for Gifted Youngsters and begin making their way to New York State. Six attempts to help Four gain control of his powers. Surprisingly Four keeps failing, and complains the whole time that it’s really hard and he just can’t do it.
Then, just five miles away from Xavier’s School, all the men in sunglasses and the evil leader guy show up in a deserted town for a final showdown. As Four attempts to use his powers, failing once again, Six attempts to save the day… and Four. She is quickly incapacitated by the evil leader guy, who, against all expectation, has his own superpowers that he’s been hiding from everyone until this very moment.
Just as evil leader guy is about to blow up Six using all of his superpowers, Bruce appears charging in with a chainsaw in one hand and a rifle in the other, and is quickly tazed, leaving him incapacitated and instantly forgotten about. This delays the evil leader guy just long enough for Four to leap in and push Six out of harm’s way, knocking her unconscious in the process. For the first time of the entire movie Four is on his own and against all possible expectation the superpower blast from evil leader guy somehow does nothing to Four except fully awaken his own powers. This allows Four to save the day by unleashing all his powers in only the way a misunderstood, chemically imbalanced, angry, horny, teenage boy who only wants a little peace and quiet so he can try to make-out with a hot chick, can… he kills everyone around him except for the girl.
As all of the men in sunglasses run in random directions, burning alive, and the evil leader guy’s head finally hits the ground about three miles from where it left its body, Six wakes up in Four’s arms and instantly begins making out with him. A now awake Bruce makes a small coughing noise to interrupt the make-out session, causing Six and Four shoot a surprised glance in Bruce’s direction. The expression of surprise turns into the mischievous grin of two kids who have been caught in the act… of kissing. The three of them laugh, followed by Bruce saying, “Let’s go home kid.” Four looks at Six longingly. She smiles and nods, and the movie ends with the silhouette of the three of them walking from all the burning bodies and burning buildings as the closing credits begin rolling up the screen.
So, if you are in the mood for a Superman-ish farm boy, turned project Weapon X runaway, saved by a Firestarter-ish teenage cheerleader, who is actually the female equivalent of Obi-wan, there to awaken the Jedi power within a misunderstood anger filled teenager, while they are both running for their lives from some evil group of men that always wear sunglasses and can never hit anything they’re shooting at, followed by a climax of battling mutant powers, and ending in total success because the whole plot of the movie was actually, “Are the two hot ones going to make-out or not?” well then this movie will not disappoint you.
I do hope you enjoyed my Smirk Made-up Movie Review for I am Number Four. Let me know what you think… If enough people enjoy it, I’ll try to make it a more of a regular feature.
Image Sources:
Google Images, keywords: I am Number Four.
![The Twilight Saga: New Moon – A Smirk Movie Review]()
by Richard Timothy | Nov 19, 2009 | Fiction, Made-up Movie Reviews, Something I Know Nothing About
It’s time again for a made up movie review, and what better film to review than the upcoming sequel to the Twilight movie Twilight 2, The… um… The Shinning. What? I was told the fangy people start shinning when they become happy. Wait, actually I think that was Stardust.
Regardless the new title this new Twilight film, this movie has everything you could want in a monster film. There are vampires, werewolves, pygmies, Bruce Campbell, pagans, clowns, killer rabbits, and young republicans.
The film starts out with Bev, or… Betty? Just a sec let me look it up… Bella! Right, so Belle is working at the local animal shelter. Bella’s supervisor Bruce brings in a little bunny with a broken leg, telling her he rescued it from a local farmers rabbit trap, and asks her to mend it’s leg.
After putting a cast on the bunny, Bella is overcome by the bunnies softness and 
adorable nose wiggling skills and gives it a kiss. The bunny then it turns into a very attractive yet naked prince. Prince, um, Albert thanks Bella for removing his curse, and explains that months ago an evil witch turned him into a rabbit because he accidentally dropped a house on the witch’s sister. Granted, it was only a doll house, but the witch’s sister was in the form of a mouse at the time. The witch turned him into a rabbit because duck season had just ended and rabbit season was about to start.
As Bella listened to his story, the full moon comes out and to her horror and fascination the prince turns into a wolf of the were variety, which apparently means he just turns into a aggressively husky sized wolf. He howls, then snarls, then sniffs Bella, licks her nose and dramatically jumps through a window and runs back to his werewolf kingdom.
The next day Bella’s ex boyfriend, the sparkly vampire, hmm… Robert something, hell, we’ll just call him Bob, shows up to see if she might want to go to the prom with him since neither one of them had a date yet. As he gets close to her, he smells Albert’s saliva on her face. This causes Bob to start acting all pouty and uninterested in anything other than listening to The Cure and Depeche Mode. He also joins the after school theater club, but after getting passed up for the role of Dracula in the upcoming performance of Transylvania 6-5000, he acquires an addiction to Robitussin cough syrup.
Bella begins acting depressed in hopes that the cool kids that act depressed all the time might notice her and ultimately result in her getting asked to the prom. After being rejected by the cool kids pretending to be depressed she goes to an 80’s themed record store to get some sage like advice from the older lady working behind the counter. After listening to a song by Otis Redding she decides to go to the prom alone.
She arrives in a pink dress that she bought from a second hand store and then cut up and stitched back together creating a completely new dress. Albert meets her at the doors, in prince form, and tells her that he has always fancied her and would be honored if she would go to the prom with him. He then adds, “Oh, and I took some E about an hour ago so I’m totally going to start tripping soon.” Belle gets a little emotional, meaning she smiles, and kisses Albert. They then walk into the prom together.
The gymnasium is full of young republicans, who have already spiked the punch, and teachers dressed like clowns because the apparent theme for the prom that year was “The Carnival of Your Life.”
After consuming 3 bottles of Robitussin, Bob agrees to be dragged to the prom by all his other vampire friends. When Bob sees Albert with Bella he begins to cry loudly and openly in front of everyone. The vampire kids start getting embarrassed and the werewolf kids start laughing at the vampire kids. All the young republicans start clapping because they are not the ones being laughed at and want to fit in. Bob, realizing that people are laughing at him, becomes filled with teenage angst and walks up to Albert with fire in his eyes.
Bella tries to stand between them, but Albert pushes her aside, telling her that it’s a personal matter that is between him and Bob. As Bob gets up to Albert the excess of cough syrup in his system hits his gag reflex and he starts unloading a belly full of cough syrup on to Albert’s Hush Puppies. Albert yells, “Dude! Those were brand new!” Just then the moon comes from behind a cloud and shines on Albert, who instantly turns into a werewolf.
All the people who have not drank any punch scream and run away. The ones who have been drinking the punch stay close to the punch drinking more of it and ignoring everyone else. The vampires gather behind Bob, and as Albert snarls at Bob, Bob starts giggling profusely, due to the hallucinogenic effects of the cough syrup. Albert sniffs at Bob, trying to gauge the current threat level, and as he does Bob licks Albert on the nose.
Albert’s E is now in full affect and the sensation of Bob’s tongue on his wolf nose is so amazing that he begins licking Bob’s face. Soon the two are locked like lovers and rolling around the floor making out. All the others vampires and werewolves stare at the scene both baffled and oddly aroused by what they are witnessing. The hate is instantly broken. They start hugging and ask one another to sign their year books.
Fortunately Ducky had his Flip video recorder with him and recorded the whole make out session and put it on YouTube. 
After only two days the video is viral with over 30 million hits. Albert and Bob are both invited to appear on Letterman to talk about how they overcame their hatred for one each other and began healing two groups of people like creatures who had been fighting for centuries. They both thanked Bella for bringing them together and wished her a life of happiness.
The movie ends with Bella, sitting in the animal shelter, watching the interview. She’s still in her pink dress, which has not been washed in weeks, and has gained about ten pounds. The television explodes and as the smoke clears there is a wooden crossbow bolt sticking through the smoldering tv set. Bruce, her manager, walks up to her and hands her two six shooters and a box full of bullets saying, “They’re all silver, baby.”
Bella thanks him and heads for the door. As she walks into the darkness she whispers to herself, “Now all I need is the Ring of Mordor and my revenge can begin.”
by Richard Timothy | Oct 29, 2009 | Fiction, Made-up Movie Reviews, Something I Know Nothing About
Yes, its time again for the real reviews of actual movies that are completely made up. The reviews I mean, not the movies. Ok, well in truth the movies are made up too, but the movies are made up by others, and my review will have nothing to do with the actual movie.
That being said, I give you The Box. Not to be confused with “a box” but it is, in fact, THE BOX. The main difference being that Cameron Diaz is in some way connected to one, and not the other. And as a general rule of thumb if someone gives you a box with a Cameron Diaz in it, you give that thing right back. Trust me. You do not want that type of responsibility.
The Box is both a sad and depressing, yet light hearted and comical tale about a banshee with laryngitis. After centuries of screaming, Frank (James Marsden) loses his voice, resulting in the complete and total loss of his vitality and purpose as a banshee. Frank is put on mandatory leave until his voice returns.
Having no real home, because his work has kept him on the road his entire un-life, Frank ends up taking residency in a large empty box in the back yard of an old man named Bruce Campbell (Frank Langella), who is disfigured, and suffering from the early stages of Alzheimer’s disease.
Bruce decides to start smoking pot in hopes that it will help him forget that he is starting to forget, and hopefully forget what it is that he has forgotten. Not wanting to smoke in his house, Bruce decides to make the box his official smoking den.
We learn that the box was built as a fort by neighborhood kids who had long since grown up and moved away. Most of the old decorations had been removed from the box except for one, which was a picture torn from a magazine and tacked to one of the walls. It was a picture of Cameron Diaz.
Frank keeps himself hidden from Bruce for the first two visits to the box, but on the third visit, there is a chemical reaction between the exhaled smoke and Frank’s ethereal form. This causes Frank to appear to Bruce and to experience the effects of the marijuana. Soon the two become good friends, even though Frank still can’t talk. Also, the chemical reaction between the ethereal form and the pot causes the Cameron Diaz picture to come to life and have conversations with Bruce.
Fortunately, the film makers were wise enough to use Rachel Weisz as the voice over for Diaz. Additionally, you only see Cameron from the neck up in all of her scenes. Because of the lack of screen time and the fact we do not hear her real voice once throughout the entire film, it is my opinion that this is the greatest and most watchable Cameron Diaz movie ever made… so far.
Many wacky adventures ensue and the film wraps up with Frank getting his voice back. At Bruce’s request Frank does his patented banshee scream. The effect causes Bruce’s heart to stop mid puff. Smoldering ashes call to the floor and catch fire to the box. The Cameron Diaz photo burns up along with Bruce’s corpse. The shock of losing his first and only real friend removes the screaming desire that make Frank the banshee he once was. Staring at the fire, unsure what his un-life holds for him, Frank feels a hand on his shoulder. It’s Bruce, freshly ghostified and ready to play. The film ends with the two of them heading towards an Ivy League school, inferring that it would make sense that they would have the best pot.
For me this picture can be summed up in the last line of the film. Frank asks Bruce if they should try to save Cameron and bring her with them. To which Bruce replies, “I’d rather chop off my hand and attach a chainsaw to my bloody stump, baby.” Frank nods in agreement and they walk off as the box continues to burn behind them.
![The Twilight Saga: New Moon – A Smirk Movie Review]()
by Richard Timothy | Oct 15, 2009 | Fiction, Made-up Movie Reviews, Something I Know Nothing About
Note: You can go to the bottom of this review for the short, short version of this review.
I have decided that the reviews of things I know nothing about should probably carry with them a disclaimer, so here it is:
This review is based solely on the authors own imagination and personal opinion. The author has received no information pertaining to the highlighted product prior to the writing of this review, except for any nationally released previews or other visual displays pertaining to the highlighted product. This review is not intended to be taken seriously, but if it is, boy are you (the reader) in for a big disappointment when you actually experience the reviewed product expecting it to reflect in any way, shape, or form, what the author made up. This review is purely for entertainment and satirical purposes. Please note that if the obvious fabrication of this review proves to be more entertaining than the actual product highlighted in this review, it is clear that the creators of the original product should hire the reviewer to assist them in creating a much better product in the future. In short, I wrote this so that people might laugh.
Sounded all professional didn’t it. So, without further ado, my review of Amelia…
Amelia Review (The Long Version)
Amelia (Hilary Swank) is based on actual rumors about events focused on love, determination and, a whole slew of other human emotions that cause you, the viewer, to be moved enough to wonder if such people ever existed. The setting of the movie takes place in a not so distant past, when men enjoyed bourbon for lunch and three dirty martini’s and a 16 ounce rare steak for dinner. Mayonnaise was added to every possible food dish made in the US and the mob was still run by gangsters that had funny names, but you would never tell them that because they would kill you and your whole family.
Working in a bubble gum manufacturing plant by day, Amelia is also a dancer by night, trying to make ends meet and to save enough money for her dying mothers liver transplant. When her mother’s health suddenly worsens, she decides to sign up for an experimental government project.
An hour before she is to go to the testing grounds, Bruce Campbell (played by Richard Gere) bursts into her home and tells Amelia that he is from the not so distant future and her continued existence relies on her going with him. She refuses to believe him until he pulls a digital camera out of his jacket and shows her pictures of herself in the future standing next to a Taco Bell.
With this irrefutable proof of his claims to be from the future Amelia goes with Bruce and for the next thirty minutes of the film you enjoy a montage of Bruce and Amelia going to a road trip cross country, telling jokes, laughing, and having picnics. The montage ends with the duo arriving at a mostly abandoned air field in the middle of the Nevada desert. There is a fully gassed secret military airplane waiting for them and one guard that is easily subdued by Bruce giving him the Vulcan nerve pinch.
As they take off, 50,000 National Guard appear out of nowhere and surround the air strip. Ten full minutes of weapons being fired and various empty building blowing up around the air strip ensue. As the explosions stop we see the completely unscathed plane climb into the clouds.
Bruce tells Amelia to take the controls while he goes into back of the plane. Amelia starts a monologue about the awe of flying and how someday she will be known for her love of flying, which she is experiencing for the first time. As she finishes her monologue Bruce returns to the cockpit, and she informs him that they are now starting to fly over the Pacific Ocean. How they arrived over the Pacific in such a short amount of time is a complete mystery.
A minute later Amelia tells Bruce that they are now 300 miles form the Californian coast and that they are flying into the middle of a big storm. As pieces of the plane begin to fall off, a space and time riff opens and Bruce and Amelia fly into the present. The plane lands at a Fox Searchlight Pictures studio secret base. They are greeted by some studio executives who hand Bruce a contract for him to start in two new Army of Darkness films. Bruce then sums up his role in the mission by saying, “I did it all for my art baby, but the picnics were groovy.”
Amelia is ushered into a small room and is informed that her mother’s surgery was a success. Her mother lived an additional 20 years, spending most of it searching for what happened to Amelia. When she asks to see her mother, Amelia is told that her mom has been dead for over forty years. Amelia cries.
Amelia is finally told why she has been brought to the future. Hollywood needed her to accurately tell and portray the story of the greatest female adventurer that most Americans have probably heard of, and that female adventurer was her. But to pull off the film, she needs to take on a new identity. We then experience another montage of Amelia becoming present day Hilary Swank, who is casted to start in the movie Amelia. The film ends as Amelia Earhart, who is now Hilary Swank, takes her place on the set as the first scene for the new epic film about Amelia Earhart begins shooting.
Amelia Review (The Short, Short Version)
Amelia (Hilary Swank) travels from the past to present day to become Hilary Swank so she can play the role of herself in a new Fox Searchlight Pictures film called Amelia, and Bruce Campbell (Richard Gere) helps.
Four, a teenager, who is played by a twenty-seven year old waiter in LA, finds himself is a small town in Ohio with no real connection or memory of his past. He lives with his legal guardian, played by Bruce Campbell, who watches over him and constantly reminds him that knowing about his past in not important. He uses a lot of hand puppets to get Four to open up and talk about his feelings. Each of these conversations ending with Bruce telling Four that feelings are not important, thus confusing Four as to why Bruce’s puppet friends wanted to talk about them in the first place. This causes Four to run out of the house in a rage of teenage angst. 
