A Year of the Monkeys

Fines for Potty Mouths and Don’t Mess with Granny

by Richard Timothy | Jun 10, 2011 | Nearly News, Non-Fiction, Observationally Speaking

One of the things about news stations in the US is that 99% of the time (or more) news about what is going on around the world doesn’t get reported to us. This has caused me to occasionally peruse headlines from around the world to see if the reporting in other parts of the world is a pointless as it is here in the states. Over the past week I’ve found a few stories from the other side of the world from a culture of people who, according to Douglas Adams (in his Last Change to See book), are very keen in assuring you that no matter what is going on in any given situation that there is nothing to worry about. This is commonly expressed in the form of the continent’s catch phrase, “No worries.”

Yes this week’s Smirk comes to you with much gratitude from the wonderful land called Australia. As it turns out, I have a few friends in Australia, friends I have not yet met, but someday hope to. And from the little correspondence I have had with them, I must admit that my overall opinion is that Australia is filled with nothing but kind, friendly people who enjoy a drink every now and again. I am sure there are some people that do a very good job thwarting this perspective about Australians, but I have yet to meet any of them. One thing I know about the country with much tested certainty is… they make a damn tasty Shiraz.

And it is that damn that brings me to my first amusing headline about the goings on in Australia:
Damn! Aussies to be fined for swearing

In the state of Victoria, the country’s second most populated state legislation is expected to pass that will allow the police issue on-the-spot fines for obnoxious swearing, fines that can reach up to $240AUS ($257US). To me the key identifier in this law is the word obnoxious, which does bring up a number of questions for me. My first concern is that this law is open to a huge range of personal interpretation on what is considered obnoxious. If you have one officer that was raised in a very strict home where profanity was strictly prohibited their view on what is considered obnoxious swearing is going to be very different from someone who comes from a family of sailors. (Yes it is my universal belief that all sailors no matter where they come from are masters in the art of profanity.)

The law is intended to be targeted towards obnoxious, offensive behavior in public, but personally I find it much more offensive and obnoxious when I’m in a restaurant and a couple comes in with a set of ill-behaved children and are seated at the table right next to me. Then for the remainder of my meal, me and every other table around me has to deal with a baby crying or a four year whining about not wanting to eat its food. I find this a hell of a lot more obnoxious than a drunken person cursing at the “Don’t Walk” light because no light is going to tell them what the hell they can or can’t do. Honestly, which is the more obnoxious, offensive behavior in public?

Some of the most obnoxious language I’ve ever heard comes from people that don’t utter a single curse word. Seriously, all you have to do is start talking politics with someone that doesn’t share your political views and you will soon be engaged in one of the most obnoxious conversations of the year. Granted, at some point I’m sure profanity will ensue, but there are a few rare exceptions where the lack or profanity remains, which creates a more obnoxious encounter because let’s face it profanity offers certain emotional venting avoiding to swear only increases the tension.

Another question, is this only spoken profanity? If you are wearing a tee shirt that has profanity written on it… can you get a fine? What about people with Tourette’s syndrome? Are they excluded from this law? If not, why not? If so, could you get a Tourette’s card that allows you to swear obnoxiously in public without fear of breaking the law? (That’s right here at Smirk I’m willing to ask the tough questions that seem random as hell, but now that I mention it you know there are others out there who are going to be wondering the same thing… and now, thanks to me, you’re one of them.)

I can tell you this; I personally think that passing this law would automatically remove any and all chances of the state of Victoria ever hosting a World Cup. I don’t think there is a police force large enough to attempt to issue British football (soccer) fans during a World Cup a ticket for obnoxious profanity. Obnoxious profanity and sports go together like vegans and tofu, trees and forests, fish and the ocean or cat juggling and clawed arms. They belong together and I think trying to take that away would risk damning the sports world forever, at least in the state of Victoria.

My next Australian story held the following headline:
Aussie woman, 89, beats off bandit with handbag

In short, three women, ages 71, 82 and 89, were chatting away in an underground car park in Melbourne on May 26. They were approached by a man who pulled out a knife and held it to the throat of the 82 year old. What happened next? Well, the 89 year old, without even giving it a thought, swung her handbag smacking the assailant in the face. The 82 year admitted, “I tried to kick him in the groin, but I could not move my leg far enough or high enough.” The man kept yelling at the old ladies to give him their bags, but the ladies refused, continuing their defensive assault toward the man.

The mugger finally fled after a man passing by ran to the defense of ladies. However the 71 year old friend kept an eye on the fleeing man and memorized his plate number as he drove away. Unfortunately, the car turned out to be stolen so the attempted robber was not caught. The police were rather impressed by the women and deservedly so. The 82 year old did receive a small cut on her hand, but fortunately it did not require any medical treatment.

I’ll admit that the visual I get of these three ladies attacking this unsuspecting mugger with their handbags and failed groin kicks, and walking away from it not just unscathed (minus a small battle cut) is not only poetic, genius, and smile inducing, but it fills me with the satisfying reassurance that one is never too old to be a bad-ass. I tip my hats to you ladies. You are an inspiration. And thank you Australia, for creating some news that has kept me smirking all week. Cheers.

Image Sources:
Google Images, keywords: reporter, officer writing ticket, arguing politics, old lady with handbag, and Australia.

© Richard Timothy 2011

Gators takes two shots to the head, Police say he’s doing fine.

by Richard Timothy | Jun 2, 2011 | Nearly News, Non-Fiction, Observationally Speaking

Every now and again I’ll find a news story that puts a smile on my face, something that is clearly smirk inspiring and worth sharing. So for today’s Smirk I thought I’d share a story of an alligator, lurking in a Kansas suburb, spotted by kids, reported by parents and confronted by the police. In the end a few shots were fired, and the gator remains at large, just not as large as he was before the shots were fired.

When I think of the word gator a few things come to mind. The first is the much expressed hate for Gators fans in the film Big Trouble, based on the Dave Barry’s first novel. The second thing that comes to mind is the saying the every American learns at some point in their youth and is said every chance they get for a two week period during the period in grade school that you first learn it. The saying of course is, “See you later alligator. After a while crocodile.” Ah the joys of an easily entertained youth.

This story takes place in a Kansas City suburb, which I have seen! Ok so I probably haven’t seen this specific Kansas City suburb, but did spend a week in Kansas City once a decade or so ago, so at least I do know what a Kansas City suburb looks like. Here is what I remember most about that trip, going to a River Boat casino and spending $20 on the slots, walking out with $18 in change (every I won I put the winnings in my left pocket, when $20 in my right pocket was gone, I was done gambling). I remember watch the play Forever Plaid with a bunch of old people that knew all the songs. I remember going to the dog tracks and winning $12 on some funny named dog that my friend said would never win. And I remember staying up until 3AM every night watching MST3K. All in all, a pretty damn good trip… thanks again Ryan. I will, however, state for the record that I did not see any gators while I was visiting.

This story comes begins with an evening call to the local police department from a parent in a Kansas City suburb, on the Missouri side. The caller reported that an alligator had been spotted, by his children, in some weeds close to a nearby pond. The police were dispatched right away, but by the time the police arrived it was starting to get dark limiting their visibility. The gator was still in the area that it had been spotted and the police were advised by a conservation agent to kill the gator if the police felt it posed a threat. Now I don’t know about you, but if there was a local pond that the neighborhood kids played by and/or in, and an alligator was discovered hiding in the brush close by, I’d probably consider that a bit of a threat… turned out the police agreed.

It was after the second shot to the gators head with no reaction whatsoever from the giant lizard that the policed ventured a bit closer. It was then that they realized that the gator was a fake. The owner of the property told the police that the fake gator with installed to keep people off his property. At this point all I can do is picture some crotchety old man in overalls, sitting in a rocking chair on his front porch with a tall glass of lemonade in one hand, a shotgun with rock salt shells in the other hand and a bottle of whiskey sitting next to him to help bring out the flavor of the lemonade, all the while yelling at all those damn kids to get off his lawn.

I’m guessing the owner was a little bothered that the police had opted to take pot shots at his devious lawn ornament, to which the officers replied that a no-trespassing sign would have been a wiser way to encourage people to stay off his land. I would that if the owner is immensely fond of his fake lawn scare toy that cosmetic surgery for the chipped gator will be scheduled for later this month. And there you have it; the true story about a fake gator who took two real shots to his fake head by the real local police to stop a fake lurking menace that looked real.

Image Sources:
Google Images, keywords: reading newspaper, alligator on land, and fake alligator.

© Richard Timothy 2011