![Dr. Lau… (sniff, sniff) Ewwwww.]()
by Richard Timothy | Oct 28, 2009 | Marketing Mishap, Something I Know Nothing About
So I had a friend tell me about this book that his mother and sister gave to his wife, asking her to read “this amazing book”. So she tried. She made it about half way through the first chapter before she threw the book in the trash, telling her husband “What a (expletive deleted) piece of (expletive deleted) (expletive deleted).”
I’m pretty sure that constitutes a bad book review. I did ask why she didn’t burn the thing if she was so opposed to it to make sure no one else could read it. She said she would have felt bad about burning a book when her survival didn’t depend on it. Good for her for knowing her book burning limits.
With my curiosity now peaked, I thought it might be fun to review something that one considered to be on the same level as junk mail, dirty diapers and raw chicken juice from the last night’s dinner. Who could be responsible for such an abrasive reaction? None other than Dr. Laura. Maybe some of you have heard of her, then again maybe not. Up to this point in my life, I had never heard of the lady.
Apparently there are two different schools of thought in regards to people who have never heard of Dr. Laura. Either I have been living under a rock and have hillbilly friends (no offense meant to me and all my hillbilly friends, remember that is their opinion, not mine), or I am one bloody lucky individual to have made it through life without having to hear the diatribe of a lady who’s relationship advice is remnant of the tonal horror that is ally cat coitus (there are a fair amount of people out there that seem to have a severe abrasion to this lady).
So, I googled the old doc to see what the big deal was, and this is what I found. This is the screen shot I took after clicking on the link to take me to Dr. Laura’s web site…
Did I laugh? Yes. Did I push the button? No. Did I kind of want to? Perhaps… ok yes. Did I read anything else about Dr. Laura? I sure didn’t. Is the doc a helpful relationship therapist, or is she a crazy person? I have no idea, but when I did go to her sight she did have an ad for a FARTButton at the top of their web page displayed in a font that was larger than the name of the actual website.
Do first impressions mean something? In this case they sure did. To me, she will forever be the Fart Doctor. I just can’t get past it, and because of this mental, albeit amusing, block I had to get a hold of my friend’s wife for her synopsis of Fart Doctor’s book she threw away.
She explained that the ideas and suggestions in the book are very remnant of a 1950’s mentality where a woman’s place is in the shadow of her husband as a subservient wife. Apparently there’s a section about how men should be allowed to take 3 week hunting trips by themselves and the wife’s responsibility is to agree to it unquestionably. Apparently a solo vacation for the wife is not allowed because she has children to raise. There was also a section explaining that if a man is feeling neglected because his wife is working late or working extra hours she should quit her job so she is home when her husband wants her to be, to serve her man. And to top it off, she should never complain if her husband works late or extra hours.
Based on the review I received, the book sounds biased and unbalanced, and the advice breaks down to this: women are responsible for all the compromising and changing in a relationship and men can do what ever they want. On a personal note, if you are a man, or woman for that matter, that agrees with the subservient woman philosophy, you’re a jack ass (just my opinion).
In order to be fair, I decided to hit Amazon and look up some of the reviews by people who actually read the book. Here are a few things that the readers said about the book “The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands”
- The 1950’s Called – They Want Their Schtick Back
- A must read!
- A little too hard core for me
- Out of Control Women and Neglected Men
- An interesting display of wisdom and ignorance
- Have an open mind & it makes sense
- How to live miserably ever after
- Makes us look at how selfish we’ve become!
- Dr. Laura at her most Dr. Laura-ish: no surprises here!
- This will help your marriage!
- Complete waste of time
- You are a disgruntled wife? Huh? Then read this book, it will HELP you.
- Even my husband thinks this book is stupid
- Every woman should read this book!
Yeah, some reviews were good and some were not. As for me, you know what I gained from this experience? First off, I now know who who Dr. Laura is, and apparently she’s a fart doctor too. Secondly and more importantly, I learned that I don’t give a flying… care about Dr. Laura and rejoice in the knowledge that I will never read any of her books.
![Dr. Lau… (sniff, sniff) Ewwwww.]()
by Richard Timothy | Oct 23, 2009 | Something I Know Nothing About
Yes I am referring to Ethan Hawke, which is the same Ethan Hawke that was responsible for things like Gattaca, Alive, Reality Bites, Dead Poets Society, and last but not least the most ingenious and greatest film from the Ethan Hawke library of cinematic works, the brilliance that is…Explorers, which taught a generation that rock and roll is here to stay.
A few weeks ago I went to the library and checked out copy of Kurt Vonnegut’s novel Slaughterhouse-Five on CD. Yes, occasionally I’ll get a book on CD to listen to because even though I love to read there are those times that I know I shouldn’t, case and point, while I am driving. I’ve found that listening to a book on CD is a nice way to pass the monotony of my drive to and from work.
So what does this have to do with Ethan Hawke? As it turned out Mr. Hawke was the token celebrity voice that would be reading Slaughterhouse-Five to me as I drove. It wasn’t until the morning of the second day that I realized something very important about Mr. Hawke and his reading. Just as reading a book while you drive is a bad idea, it is just as bad and dangerous to listen to Ethan Hawke reading a book while you drive. I call it the EHR (Ethan Hawke, Reading) syndrome and it is an epidemic that is sweeping this nation…ok, ok, so maybe it’s not sweeping the nation, but at the very least it is making my commute to work each morning a minor inconvenience. I can only handle about 10 minutes or so before I feel compelled to pull over and take a nap just so I can make it to work. I’ve already been tardy twice because of EHR.
Sure EHR sounds like a joke, and, well that’s the point, BUT it’s also almost real. Ethan’s reading style carries with it a tone of smooth edges and a fluffy soft pitch that equates to the verbal equivalent of valium.
On a plus side, you feel like everything is fine, but at some point you lose all control of your verbal retention. I’ve had to listen to the same damn chapter four times in a row because his reading made me space out and dismiss every single word he read. I’ve found that EHR can cause an individual to lose anywhere from 5 to 15 minute periods of time without any recollection of what you just heard and, in some severe cases, did.
Side note: EHR is a pretend condition that I just made up, so to all you frat boys reading this article, please do not try to use EHR as an excuse for the “black out” you keep referring to in an attempt to avoid explaining to the Dean how all that pot ended up in your sock drawer.
EHR, if used correctly can be a wonderful experience. If you suffer from insomnia and need that perfect auditory conditioning to prepare you for a full night of restful and relaxing sleep. Like wise, EHR is great for making those morning calls to let the boss them know won’t be coming into work that day. Although I do recommend you write down the following three things before experiencing EHR.
- The phone number you will be calling. There is a high possibility that you will be unable to locate this number after experiencing EHR.
- The name of the person you will need to talk to. As with number one, there is a chance that you will be unable to recall this information right after EHR.
- Finally, the reason for the call. A sentence saying, “tell them, I’m sorry I cannot make it in to work today.” is all you need to write. The residue of EHR will automatically handle any additional questions.
Then enjoy 10 minutes of EHR and make the call. You will be so displaced and discombobulated that it will be abundantly clear you should not come into work. This also work perfectly well for canceling dinner plans, dates, art shows, or going to the opening of a new documentary that you said you’d like to see, but you only said that to be nice because the friend asking knows someone who knows someone who slept with someone who met someone at a party that had a small part in the film, but it was cut in the final edits.
Made up, or not, EHR is real. Believe me when I tell you that listening to EHR should never be done for the sake of retaining any information, be it story, plot, subtext, conversation, haiku, or any other information that Ethan Hawke is reading to you. Additionally, only allow yourself to experience EHR while in a comfortable position, and never while operating, sitting in, looking at, or thinking about machinery and, never while handling hot… actually, yeah better make that any beverages regardless the temperature. It’s just not worth it.
If you choose to experience EHR, do it on your terms not anyone else. See this:
That is a sick, sick person.
Do not let that happen to you.
![Dr. Lau… (sniff, sniff) Ewwwww.]()
by Richard Timothy | Oct 22, 2009 | Nearly News, Something I Know Nothing About
There are some days that I spend a little extra time letting my mind play with possible topics of what I am going to be writing about that day, and then…ahh, and then there are days like today when the gift is wrapped up in a nice little package and placed in front of me just begging to be written about. Today was such a day.
It all started when a friend emailed me a link that sent me to the following headline:
Large Hadron Collider ‘Being Sabotaged from the Future’
I don’t know why, but every time I read that headline I just start laughing. Yes, much like the wizard in Oz, the “great and powerful” Large Hadron Collider (LHC) carries with it much mystery and power, and who knows maybe there are flying monkeys circling the LHC with instructions to pounce on it in the even that a small girls with a black dog and three sidekicks that refuse to believe Halloween is over show up and start asking questions. But unlike Oz, the LHC obtained a lot of its fame as a result of being one of the main characters in Dan Brown’s novel Angels and Demons.
But according to this news article, which I didn’t read…, for two reasons, and if I could figure out how to insert footnotes in a blog I would have don’t so right here, but since I can’t, I’m going to have to ask for a side bar and hope that all of you join me while I explain my two reasons.
Reasons for not Reading the News Article
- Reason 1: The news source is Fox News, which, in my opinion, is the leading manufacturer of fake news on the planet. When I want fake news, no other news network “pretends” to be a real news source quite as proficiently as Fox News. When it comes to made up stories, Fox is at the top of their game, with The Daily Show as a close second. The key reason The Daily Show comes in second is because it does occasionally report actual news.
- Reason 2: The headline. Why would I read “Large Hadron Collider ‘Being Sabotaged from the Future’” as a legitimate news story? It would be like using the National Enquirer as a factual source for a two headed bat-faced Michael Jackson lovechild that a panda at the San Diego Zoo gave birth too. Granted, if I did want to smirk a smidge, I might actually read past the first sentence. But I don’t, so I won’t and I didn’t.
Ok, so apparently, as my version of the article goes, cyborg alien human clones materialized in the tubes of the LHC with screw drivers and began attempting to take apart the collider. After the first half hour 90% of them became tired and returned to the future. The remaining 10% asked for a turkey on rye, promising, “If our demands are met, we will leave peacefully and promise to do our best to keep from time traveling to your time again… if we can help it.”
Scooby and Shaggy met with some of the remaining cyborg alien human clones and after intense peace talks and about 5 bags of whatever it was that they put in the peace pipe they learned that all the cyborg alien human clones that initially appeared have the time travel gene, meaning they can travel through time using only their thoughts. Apparently, though in the future all of the cyborg alien human clones suffer from ADD, and because they get side tracked easily they rarely stay in the time they have traveled to.
They went on to explain, “Bill and Ted, stepped out of a phone booth with a copy of the novel Angels and Demons and convinced everyone at the Denny’s that they had to stop the LCH before it destroyed the universe.” adding, “I made sense at the time.”
After all of the remaining time travels were fed, they returned to their time to, “Enjoy nap time.” as one traveler put it.
It appears the LHC had to be shut down so that all of the screwdrivers could be removed from the tubes. The LHC is scheduled to start up again just in time for Christmas.
Whew, with this disaster averted, I know I’ll sleep better tonight knowing that our Large Hadron Collider is safe and sound and that the saboteurs from the future have promised to try to remember to never do it again.
![Dr. Lau… (sniff, sniff) Ewwwww.]()
by Richard Timothy | Oct 15, 2009 | Fiction, Made-up Movie Reviews, Something I Know Nothing About
Note: You can go to the bottom of this review for the short, short version of this review.
I have decided that the reviews of things I know nothing about should probably carry with them a disclaimer, so here it is:
This review is based solely on the authors own imagination and personal opinion. The author has received no information pertaining to the highlighted product prior to the writing of this review, except for any nationally released previews or other visual displays pertaining to the highlighted product. This review is not intended to be taken seriously, but if it is, boy are you (the reader) in for a big disappointment when you actually experience the reviewed product expecting it to reflect in any way, shape, or form, what the author made up. This review is purely for entertainment and satirical purposes. Please note that if the obvious fabrication of this review proves to be more entertaining than the actual product highlighted in this review, it is clear that the creators of the original product should hire the reviewer to assist them in creating a much better product in the future. In short, I wrote this so that people might laugh.
Sounded all professional didn’t it. So, without further ado, my review of Amelia…
Amelia Review (The Long Version)
Amelia (Hilary Swank) is based on actual rumors about events focused on love, determination and, a whole slew of other human emotions that cause you, the viewer, to be moved enough to wonder if such people ever existed. The setting of the movie takes place in a not so distant past, when men enjoyed bourbon for lunch and three dirty martini’s and a 16 ounce rare steak for dinner. Mayonnaise was added to every possible food dish made in the US and the mob was still run by gangsters that had funny names, but you would never tell them that because they would kill you and your whole family.
Working in a bubble gum manufacturing plant by day, Amelia is also a dancer by night, trying to make ends meet and to save enough money for her dying mothers liver transplant. When her mother’s health suddenly worsens, she decides to sign up for an experimental government project.
An hour before she is to go to the testing grounds, Bruce Campbell (played by Richard Gere) bursts into her home and tells Amelia that he is from the not so distant future and her continued existence relies on her going with him. She refuses to believe him until he pulls a digital camera out of his jacket and shows her pictures of herself in the future standing next to a Taco Bell.
With this irrefutable proof of his claims to be from the future Amelia goes with Bruce and for the next thirty minutes of the film you enjoy a montage of Bruce and Amelia going to a road trip cross country, telling jokes, laughing, and having picnics. The montage ends with the duo arriving at a mostly abandoned air field in the middle of the Nevada desert. There is a fully gassed secret military airplane waiting for them and one guard that is easily subdued by Bruce giving him the Vulcan nerve pinch.
As they take off, 50,000 National Guard appear out of nowhere and surround the air strip. Ten full minutes of weapons being fired and various empty building blowing up around the air strip ensue. As the explosions stop we see the completely unscathed plane climb into the clouds.
Bruce tells Amelia to take the controls while he goes into back of the plane. Amelia starts a monologue about the awe of flying and how someday she will be known for her love of flying, which she is experiencing for the first time. As she finishes her monologue Bruce returns to the cockpit, and she informs him that they are now starting to fly over the Pacific Ocean. How they arrived over the Pacific in such a short amount of time is a complete mystery.
A minute later Amelia tells Bruce that they are now 300 miles form the Californian coast and that they are flying into the middle of a big storm. As pieces of the plane begin to fall off, a space and time riff opens and Bruce and Amelia fly into the present. The plane lands at a Fox Searchlight Pictures studio secret base. They are greeted by some studio executives who hand Bruce a contract for him to start in two new Army of Darkness films. Bruce then sums up his role in the mission by saying, “I did it all for my art baby, but the picnics were groovy.”
Amelia is ushered into a small room and is informed that her mother’s surgery was a success. Her mother lived an additional 20 years, spending most of it searching for what happened to Amelia. When she asks to see her mother, Amelia is told that her mom has been dead for over forty years. Amelia cries.
Amelia is finally told why she has been brought to the future. Hollywood needed her to accurately tell and portray the story of the greatest female adventurer that most Americans have probably heard of, and that female adventurer was her. But to pull off the film, she needs to take on a new identity. We then experience another montage of Amelia becoming present day Hilary Swank, who is casted to start in the movie Amelia. The film ends as Amelia Earhart, who is now Hilary Swank, takes her place on the set as the first scene for the new epic film about Amelia Earhart begins shooting.
Amelia Review (The Short, Short Version)
Amelia (Hilary Swank) travels from the past to present day to become Hilary Swank so she can play the role of herself in a new Fox Searchlight Pictures film called Amelia, and Bruce Campbell (Richard Gere) helps.
