Hey Kid, Your Parents Suck! Part 1

Hey Kid, Your Parents Suck! Part 1

by | Dec 7, 2009 | I Think There's a Point, Lightbulbs and Soapboxes, Observationally Speaking, Utahism

It’s Saturday, well it was when I started writing this. It’s supposed to be my relaxed and groovy day. You know, it’s the type of day that doesn’t require you to put on any pants until at least noon. So, I rolled out of bed around 9:30 with exceptional bed head I might add. And I don’t mean the “I’m ready to go clubbing” bed head, oh no, I’m talking about the traditional “Einstein’s my bitch” style of bed head. If fact, my hair was so unmatched that I was contemplating doing a round of two of physics this morning, simply because it just felt right.

Turns out it was the hair talking, because I don’t do physics, ever… well almost ever. The only exception is when my friend Clayton is over, and happens to be mildly to highly intoxicated. I met him years ago while he was working on his PHD in physics and let’s just say that once that boy gets lit, drinking and deriving is one of his highly endearing qualities.

I keep telling him he should go back to teaching and hold his classes in a local pub, speakeasy, bar, or any place close to campus that serves alcohol, except maybe frat houses. I think he would have the best attended class on campus. Hell, I’d even consider going back to school just to take his class. Although I’m not really sure how well anyone would do during finals. Still, I can’t imagine anyone would complain about having to take the class again.

So, anyway, back to my Saturday morning. I had just finished cooking up an omelet and was heading downstairs to enjoy a little MST’d Santa Claus Conquers the Martians, because it is that time of year. As I was humming the “Let’s have a Patrick Swayze Christmas” song to myself, and my cutie-baby-sweetie-pie’s phone rings. After the call she tells me that some people are coming over to get a little marketing assistance from her and there is a good change that they are going to bring their kids. Oh and they were going to be there in about twenty minutes.

The first thing I though was “sonofabitch” because this meant I was going to have to put on some pants. My second thought was. “Oh god, kids!” Look its not that I hate kids, some are very tasty with a side of hollandaise sauce. Its just that I, well, based on my experience, there are a lot more horrible children being produced than good children and based on the law of averages, our house was going to be invaded by the result of someone’s demonic seed.

Don’t get me wrong, I am a strong supporter of the equation, horrible children = horrible parents, but I think it is important to point out that being a horrible parent does not mean you are a horrible person. You just really should have used protection, got fixed, or put the little creatures up for adoption.

Also, I’m not referring to all parents here. My parents, for two, kicked ass. I have friends who have done a remarkable job raising their kids. They are well behaved, polite, know how to actually say please and thank you without being told to do so, and in my opinion deserve everything they asked Santa to give them this holiday.

What I am referring to are the parents that have predominantly checked out when it comes to their children, or the ones that adhere to the “reprimand with love” form of child rearing. They are easy to spot too, go to any Wal-Mart and you’ll see them everywhere. I’m not sure why but Wal-Mart wildlife reserve for awful children and their parents. The child (or children) is easy to spot, it’s crying loudly while their parent(s) just walks along completely detached and ignoring the fountain of tears, snot, screams, and spit.

Now sure, some people might say that because I don’t have any children, I have no right telling others how to raise theirs. My response to this is a resounding, “RUBBISH!” Hell, states have entire taskforces designed to tell parents how to raise their kids. Based on that fact alone I feel more than qualified giving my opinions on the topic. Not to mention, having been a child at some point in my life, I feel perfectly justified talking about the raising of them.

First and foremost, stop rewarding your kids for bad behavior. I see it all time. Some whiney little kid asks for a new toy. They are told no, so they start crying, and crying, and screaming and the parent either gets embarrassed, or simply gives up and rewards the tantrum with exactly what the child wanted. Well done. You just confirmed to your child that bad behavior is the best way for them to get what they want. Congratulations, you are well on your way to raising a little bastard.

Also, if your kid is misbehaving, slap it on the butt. It lets the kid know that their behavior is unacceptable. Think about it, if you cater to the “reprimand with love” mentality you are training your child to act horribly when they want you to hug and kiss them and show them positive affection. This is a horrible parenting philosophy.

I’m not saying you should beat your child. There is a huge difference between a smack on the butt and punching a kid in the face for behaving badly. That is the type of behavior that gets that taskforce called on you that I mentioned earlier, and deservedly so.

The concept is easy… reinforce positive behavior with positive interaction, and negative behavior with negative interaction. Here, I’ll even give you the formula:

  • Good behavior + hug and kisses from you = a well behaved kid
  • Bad behavior + you spanking the kid = a well behaved kid… eventually

It is that simple? I think so… mostly anyway. Dr. Spock might disagree, but what does he know. Being one that has never read his book, I’m pretty sure he made most of it up.

I was going to go through a number of examples of crappy parenting I’ve personally witnessed, but this post is already at risk of turning epic, so I’ll throw those examples in tomorrows post and call it part two.

So until then, to all you good parents, thank you. I really do notice and truly appreciate it. And to all you crap parents, knock it off! You know who you are.

Hey Kid, Your Parents Suck! Part 1

Profanity-lite – All the same meanings, but with none of the guilt.

by | Nov 5, 2009 | Lightbulbs and Soapboxes, Utahism

profanity1What makes profanity, profanity? According to Dictionary.com profanity is 1) the quality of being profane; irreverence. 2) profane conduct or language; a profane act or utterance. 3) obscenity.

One of the things I appreciate about profanity is how it changes from culture to culture. In some countries there are certain words that are considered highly profane, but in different parts of the world the words are considered funny sounding and that’s about it, and if you don’t know what I mean, well, bugger it!

profanityPersonally, I’m a big fan of profanity. It’s very versatile and descriptive, and it can be very effective in creating elements of shock, surprise, anger, joy and humor. It is brilliantly emotionally driven and they can be used to cover the entire array of emotions. Besides, there are certain combinations that are perfect for stress release or for inducing laughter.

It seems to me that there are two key American institutions that seem to have a certain abrasion to the used of profanity in their specific environments, those environments being the religious world and the business world. Case and point, the video below is a prime example of what is not acceptable in the business world.

[googlevideo=http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=7506760409947960483&ei=RxTySsvwM6LEqgLiv9meAw&q=swear+jar&hl=en#]
(If the video does not play click here.)

Say what you will, but that video makes me laugh every time. The dearly missed George Carlin did a piece related to the profanity subject. He called it, “Seven Words You Can Never Say on Television“, which, if you ask most people in the religious and business world would consider these to be profane words as well.

All that being said, having lived in Utah for 10+ years now, I’ve been introduced and conditioned to the phenomenon that I like to call profanity-lite (aka guilt free profanity). It’s the practice of redefining certain words so that they evolve into the sound, emphasis, use, versatility, and replacement of what is traditional profanity. Here is what I mean:

  • F, freak, fetch, frack (thanks to Battlestar Galactica), etc. is used to replace the f word.
  • F’in A is commonly used to describe someone that is not appreciated in any way.
  • Shoot, occasionally crap, is used as an emotional emphasis word, say when you knock over a drink, or hit your thumb with a hammer.
  • Crap is used for the insult aspect, such as crap head.
  • Oh my gosh is used for the traditionally confused replacement for taking the “lords” name in vain (which really isn’t).
  • Dang it is used to replace exclamations of damnation.
  • Butt hole (yes I have heard adults use this in an attempt to insult another adult), which is obvious.

There has been the recent additions of texting profanity, which is the newest use for guilt free profanity in verbal conversation. The common uses I’ve heard are OMG, LMAO, PITA, and WTF.

Now I have, on occasion, used these guilt free profanities in situations that would probably result in getting slapped, or having a band of mothers with small children start crying because I was, “polluting their young angel’s virgin minds and ears.” When we all know the little whipper snappers have already learned those words from their old man, or maybe a grandparent that accidentally dropped a dish, or the very least the other kids at school, or cable, or… hell they can pick it up everywhere. Case and point…

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a_zK2apRHI4]
(If the video does not play click here.)

What makes me happy about all this is that you have a culture of people who are openly opposed to profanity, but at the same time have invested the time and energy to invent profanity-lite. Yep, all the exact same meaning, uses and emphasis of traditional profanity, but without all the guilt. It’s sneaky, clever, and still profanity.

Try to call it whatever you want, or justify it however you see fit, but its use is the very definition of profanity. The word might be masked, but the meaning is the same. Is it hypocrisy? Some say no, some say yes. I choose to call it evolution. Language evolves everyday, and who knows, maybe someday in a not so distant future calling someone a “wiseass” will be the equivalent of saying they are knowledgeable when it comes to the democratic process, and calling someone “snoogums” will be the equivalent of suggesting that the person violates small woodland creatures using pudding pops, Crisco, and bubble gum.

Have a great freaking day!