Puddy Wagons – A Study in One of Humanities Dumber Ideas

Puddy Wagons – A Study in One of Humanities Dumber Ideas

by | Nov 20, 2009 | I Just Don't Get It, Observationally Speaking

So last night, on my way home from work I suddenly found myself being violated by a barrage of very bright lights attacking me from every reflective rear view surface in, on, and around my car. Instead of just readjusting the mirrors I began the optimum positioning avoidance dance of bobbing, sliding, and twisting just enough to get my head in a position that none of the mirrors were reflecting the bright lights back into my face.

I know, I could have just repositioned my mirrors, but that would have meant having to reset them all in the morning on my way to work. Which would be fine except readjusting ones car mirrors is never that easy. I can never get it right the first time. It’s like my body mysteriously settles for the next three days requiring me to do a whole series of mini adjustments each time I get in the car until they are back to were there when I originally moved them.

It turned out that the headlights weren’t brighter than your average car, it’s just that they belonged to a damn puddy wagon, also known as the very large and ridiculously high jacked up truck. I have no idea what puddy wagons even means. All I can tell you is that it was the nickname my friends and I gave those types of trucks while growing up in Wyoming. And for the record, Wyoming may very well have more puddy wagons per capita than any other state in the US, or the whole of Canada for that matter.

The puddy wagon is a concept that has always confused me. On the average these trucks are around 3 to 4 feet off the ground, and I don’t know why, but for some reason the owners of these trucks always seemed to be shorter thank your average person. Not like a little person, or jockey, but still a wee bit on the stumpy side, say in the 5’4” to 5’6” region. This confuses me even more because that means the driver commonly needs a little foot stool, step ladder, rappel equipment, or hydraulic lift cowboy boots to even be able to get in and out of their vehicle.

I remember asking what the point was for having a truck that high off the ground. The most common answer was, “To go off roading.” The thing is most of these blokes also implied that because of all the money they had put into their trucks on left kits, oversized chrome wheels, and jacked up suspensions they had no plans on ever taking it 4x4ing. That’s like buying a Hummer and telling people you got it because you want to save money on gas.

I mean I get the point of having a truck. It can be very handy for moving items from point A to point B, or going to point B to pick up a friend and then going to point C to move something back to point A. Regardless the formula for moving things in a truck, the point is I get it. BUT, can you really haul things in a Puddy Wagon, you know, other than groceries, or… a dog maybe? I personally have never seen a Puddy Wagon haul anything around except for the additional cowpeoples that were not able to fit in the front seat.

It’s too high off the ground to be a useful moving vehicle. A few puddy wagon owners even said that they would never haul anything substantial because of the fear that it might scratch the bed of the truck. Boggling, isn’t it?

In an attempt to find some sanity pertaining to the puddy wagon conundrum I’ve done a bit of research over the years, and what I’ve discovered is this… apparently the whole point of this type of vehicle is to help the man (or woman) attract a mate.

Here’s my made-up mathematical formula for deriving this hypothesis:

I also learned that this happens in more than just the cowboy culture. Here are a few examples of vehicles designed for the sole purpose of attracting a mate in different cultures of this planet:

So, I guess I sort of get it now. This type of thing happens all over in the animal kingdom… still, it is bloody obnoxious when a puddy wagon does show up on the random eve and follows you for a few miles making it very hard to see anything other than their blinding headlights.

Can’t we get someone to talk to Obama about an exchange program? So after the puddy wagon owner obtains a mate then they can exchange it for a real vehicle? I personally would be an avid supporter of this type of governmental injunction.

One last thing though, if you are of the disposition that you think this is actually cool…

You sir, are an ass, and the world shall celebrate in the event that your kind fails to ever reproduce… can I get an amen?

Puddy Wagons – A Study in One of Humanities Dumber Ideas

Women's Super Sneaky Secret Storage Spot

by | Nov 17, 2009 | Observationally Speaking

I went out to dinner last night and while I was waiting for my food, I took in some of the local wildlife and did a little people watching. I saw something happen at one of the tables, something I’d see happen before, but something I’d never really given a lot of thought to.

In the middle of a conversation, one of the girls at a table held up her finger, the “excuse me a minute” finger, then reached into her front of her shirt and pulled out her cell phone. I don’t know why, but for some reason it struck me as rather comical. It seemed a little like storing a Hershey’s bar in a bag full of marshmallows. I mean you already have a full container and then you try to stuff more things into it. It makes no sense to me.

So I decided to ask some friends to help clear up this sneaky front loading storage system. Apparently, in the bra wearing culture, bras make convenient and easily accessible pockets for those times when you go out and your outfit does not have any other storage facilities, like a purse or pockets.

Clubbing was the first example I was given. Apparently you can easily store your ID, cash (for entry fees, drinks, and a cab), and your phone (for texting friends, ex’s, and calling a cab if you can’t get someone to give you a ride home) in your bra and you don’t have to worry too much about losing anything while dancing.

Men don’t really have access to this type of extra storage accessory. I mean sure we have short sleeve shirts. You know that 1950’s cigarettes rolled up in your sleeve look. Thing is it’s a unisex storage option; it’s not just for men. Sure, if you want to get technical, the obesity problem in the US has created surge of man boobs, which is becoming quite the an epidemic, and men could easily adopt the use of bras as part of their everyday look.

There is also the demographic of cross dressers that we could take into account, but at this point and time I’d venture that bras are still traditionally and predominantly women only products. Well, unless of course you are trying to build your own woman, then I believe it’s part of the ceremony.

I suppose the only possible comparable option would be tighty-whitey underpants, but let’s face it, once you started dancing around you’d have a big mess to sort though, especially once you start looking for you car keys so you could drive home at the end of the night.

As it turns out, storing a few necessities in your bra is a very common practice. And in my opinion gives a whole new meaning to the term “wonder bra”. I mean, I was wondering where the cell phone came from when I initially saw it produced in the lady’s hand. And now with this new stuffed bra awareness, I’m sure people are going to be wondering what type of gadgets and contraptions are now being stored in there.

I wonder if it could be used as a viable selling point. For example, the new line of Victoria Secrets lush silk push-up “booby pockets”… hmm, that doesn’t sound quite right does it? Maybe the “cleavage stasher”… no… that doesn’t work at all, it sounds more like a code name that gigolo’s have given to women’s turtleneck sweaters. Maybe a more direct and to the point marketing scheme is what they need, I suppose calling them “pocket bras”, or “bra pockets” would work just fine. We could even add the little slogan like, “The perfect portable pocket.”

Then again maybe this is a lot like that little saw on a Swiss Army Knife, sure you can use it to actually saw wood, but you’ll only ever use it after you’ve exhausted every other possible resource for sawing a twig in two. Mostly it’s used to show others, “Oh look, I’ve got a little bloody saw blade in my knife. Aren’t I cool?”

I can understand the need that may occasionally arise that causes women to use their bra as a super sneaky secret storage spot for certain everyday items. But please be aware that even if men understand the reason for it, it still doesn’t change the fact that when they see you do this, they are going to tell the other guys they are with and they are going to start giggling, because, well let’s face it, they’re men and they thing you just pulled out of your bra was touching your boob.

On a side note, it looks like someone beat me to it, they call it the Cleavage Caddy, which I think is a is a crap name, and only reminds me of Bill Murray… which, when I put it like that, is actually kind of cool. Damn you Cleavage Caddy!