With Thanksgiving a day away, I figure what better time than now to bring up one of the staple dishes this holiday season that I consider to be culinary vulgarity. Much like melted marshmallows on baked yams, or carrots coffined in green lime Jell-o, the pumpkin pie falls onto my list of epic culinary failures.

It’s odd too, because I really don’t mind pumpkin as a flavor. For example, I find pumpkin chocolate chip cookies quite lovely. I even enjoy the occasional sit down with a small bag of pumpkin seeds, and not once have they caused me to shudder, gag, or spit up. I’m also a big fan of pie crusts, light and flaky, and with the perfect hint of toasted doughy goodness, they help accentuate the endless combinations that ultimately make-up what is the baking equivalent of Prozac pie.

Say what you will, but next time life overloads you with a series of random events that you’re not sure how to handle, instead of reaching for your pills grab a warm slice of your favorite pie and take a few bites. The worry free euphoria kicks in a lot sooner than the Prozac ever will. I mean, I’m no doctor, but at a basic and logical level it does make a lot of sense. But do be warned, if you have a tendency to do this a lot, the probability factor that your nether region will start expanding at an alarming rate does go way up.

For me, and I’m really not sure why, pumpkin pie is one of those rare experiences where a collection of tasty single ingredients are combined to create a flavor-foul dish. Also, when I bring up my lack of pumpkin pie appreciation, especially around this time of year, people usually stare and point, and call me… a lot of things really. Here is a sample of just a few of them: crazy, deprived, anti-American, broken, insane, damaged, sick, and the spawn of Satan (but that only happened once). Some people take it very personally when you publicly put down their favorite pie.

I’ve tried for years to try to visually explain my distaste for this dessert in the most precise way I could, but I was never able to perfect the imagery… that is until now. Last week a friend sent me an image that I feel encompasses my feelings toward pumpkin pie and how I think those vile buggers taste. Case and point…

Yes, that is truly how I feel about it. But, regardless of my pumpkin pie issues, I do hope you all have a brilliant Thanksgiving… even if you decide to eat pumpkin alapooh.